Liturgy Cover (English and Spanish)

Victory over emotions: Personal experience

How often do we fight in the midst of challenges, how often do we still smile and say I am happy I am having challenges, how often do we see our problems as our perfect chance to do our Human revolution?

So lately, my daily routine included wake up like 5 am then chant and then  fight with my work karma and then reach home at night like 9 or 10 pm, do my Daimoku and sleep. I have been in a perfect rhythm with eight winds, either good news or bad news but I was not swayed in any of the situation. Till last week, I am thrashed with a lot of emotional situations. I was put into a situation with the person who means world to me. I have to be honest despite all my effort of morning and evening Daimoku and all the weekend spent in Buddhism activities from morning till evening, still I was left a bit sad due to what happened. More than sad, I was pushed hard to feel guilty for living my own life, for having self-love or respect for my own dreams and life. I kept chanting with not a single change in my 3 prayers to unlock anything (Appreciate practice, Protection in all areas of life and give my best where I am). In starting, I wanted to chant specifically on what happened but then I was like no way, I must stick to my rhythm as this is the only way I have fought and overcome my biggest challenges. 

As I was already in weak zone, another person gave another verbal attack and it was like another hit to me. And 2 days later, I was given the biggest hit of the week. Beauty of this whole week was, despite of everything and being emotionally down yet I continued to push through without compromising my rhythm with Gosho on Eight winds. Hit after hit, I still stuck to my plan of doing one home visit, one meeting and then one Byakuren duty in a week. In fact I ended up spending whole weekend in Buddhism activities, not for a single day i doubted my faith or let it reflect on my face. Yes, one day i was dead tired due to extra hours and all but in my spirit, i kept soaring high. I knew those emotional hits happened, as they were my weak points and I needed to do my human revolution of not getting swayed. Faith was testing me and I am happy to say I definitely passed with flying colors. Not only, my practice got stronger but in fact out of 3 situations I actually got victory in all the 3 and those people reflected on their actions and reached out to me. Not only this, due to such a huge shift in my environment, i got connected to my long lost friend and my continuous efforts were acknowledged by leaders as well. 

P.S If we challenge to not be swayed by our circumstances and we continue moving forward, we will see that sometimes these situations are actually not hard. They change immediately as long as we don’t give into them. At times circumstances are like attention seeking child once the child knows that no matter what, person is not giving me attention, the child calms down and stop crying. Similarly, my life was acting fired up but I was not willing to give my attention and destroy my foundation of faith. Here I am, off to my next 10 day challenge and hopefully I will be back with another victory soon.

Buddhism = Self Love and True love (Personal Experience)

Many of us suffer with a huge challenge to have self-esteem and self-love resulting into dented life with bad experiences in love, friends and even family relationships additionally work relationships. If one lacks self-esteem then there is no way you can win over the struggles of your life.

Let’s look at this, and see how familiar it seems, you found love probably first love and you fell in love and then the person moved on and you took longer to accept and forget about moving on. Then someone else came along and a repeated pattern and here you are with feelings like ¨no, i love this person how can i move on¨ or ¨You don´t understand Priya, all i want is this person´s support even though person is already committed to someone¨. At work you are smart and with great ideas and such a creative vision yet your colleagues steal your ideas and make you feel like a failure. You lack at decision making and always looking at others to tell you what to do.

In short:
Tough luck at love, after break up hard to move on
Friends use you and leave and then again you suffer for years at the back of mind
Work or family but you are always looking for others to support us

Why is it so hard to love ourselves?

Firstly: Family upbringing, strict or critical and it made us seek love outside. We kept looking for love or reassurance and our self-worth in toxic relationships. Waiting for our girl/boyfriends or wife/husband or people in your environment to show appreciation and feel the love and the worth. 

Secondly: Our selfless and sincere nature as a daughter/son or wife/husband or mother/father. We feel guilty to take care of ourselves and we continue living like a mess in looks, sleep deprived, spiritually low and so on with mere excuse of being too busy to take care of our own health and attending meetings etc.

Experience: I had a strict upbringing and a childhood based on reverse psychology where you tell the person you are a failure and the person will take it like a challenge and prove them wrong which totally failed in my case. I took everything literally and absorbed everything that was told to me including ugly, failure, dumb and so on. It made it hard for me to shine in school life or anywhere. This led to me getting hurt each time a friend or anyone in my environment betrayed me, till my relationships with people were toxic and more like an addiction and i was seeking love outside home. I thought of myself like the victim, oh poor me, I have no friends, my family thinks i am a failure and now my boyfriend left me and it is all my blame as i am not beautiful or good enough and blah blah blah. 

Buddhism happened, i found it in the turmoil of my broken relationship and i went on with chanting to save my relationship. 6 months passed, who knew instead of saving my relationship with that guy, i would end up saving myself forever. One morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and realised that I never cared to look in the mirror and see how beautiful i am just because whole my life, my sweet family and relatives always put me down saying i was a dumb and ugly girl. I never thought i was good in studies despite scoring in 90s as i was always told only 100/100 is good. 

The journey of self-love never stopped since 6 years of my practice. I learnt how to put the line for people to stop giving me their free remarks as i know my worth and my worth depends on me not what others say. Then guys or friends i lost over the years, i was wise enough to let them go as i deserve better. It did hurt and sometimes i still think on a few people but i know it is part of process of my growth, "Love me or hate me is your personal choice, but if you are willing to stay in my life you got to respect me or i will let you out of my life with all due respect."

Daishonin says again and again, "Master your mind", which is don't let your mind master you. The mind listens to the world and thinks that all is true especially negative things.

VICTORIES

• My mother who has been my biggest critic now appreciates me and says openly how proud she is to have a daughter like me.
• Relationships and friendships got everything like a few countable people but they all look up to me and when i have hard days, they respect me and stand by me. In fact they remind me of what i have done so far and help me grow further.
• Work relationships, no one passes remarks or bully me as they know i have always maintained a line of respect with all and i won't accept such childish behaviour.

Many people look up to me today, in the end i don't care if my people leave me as i am happy with myself and proud of who i have become. I have learnt not to waste my energy over drama of other people, i chose my fights wisely. I don't feel guilty for dressing up or self-pampering as i deserve to be my best otherwise i will only cause more damage to my environment and bonds i have. If one wants to give their best to others, one must give best to oneself first.

P.S We chant to raise our life state and it is an act of self-love. If we are in low life then we are living a life with a downward spiral. Self-love arises from high life state and then it is seen in our self-care (haircut, dressing up, or so on) and the care we do for others. The way we take care of ourselves, is the way we will take care of our environment. Kosen rufu is one's individual happiness that leads to other's happiness and eventually world peace. It doesn't mean be selfish but it means take care of you. Sensei always stress upon women to always take care of how they look or how he stresses upon members to be safe, proper sleep or take care of our health.

TREAT YOURSELF AS A BUDDHA YOU ARE.

Why do we feel low? How to shift from low life to high life?

Question: I am feeling low, I chant but i still can´t break this chain. You know i feel blocked, i need at least one sign of hope or one positive result to keep me going. Plus, i think my situation is so tough in terms of relationship, career, finance and then my health makes it worse. I am doing everything you know and trust me i couldn´t go to meeting due this work or family or ...  But i chant everyday and i am doing my best so why do i still feel low?

Answer: Buddhism is nothing but TRUTH and LOGIC. 

The only reason why we feel low is, ¨We are not doing what we must do¨. Result, we start sulking and then there are two type of people

1. Complaining and putting all the blame on environment including family issues, work deadlines, financial limit and so on.

2. Judging oneself harshly like i am not worth it, i will never get over this and i am such a looser and so on.

I personally fall into second category, my own critic and i went into that spiral for past months and there was no way out. I had a huge phase of mind blockage, i lacked the brains to be able to write at my work with all the research papers and deadlines kept passing but i couldn´t submit anything as i got blocked. I would stay at work for longer but nothing to write and so i missed my gym and so went home drained and then lacked in my Daimoku or sometimes i couldn´t even do daimoku. 

Truth is, deep inside we all know that we lack in our efforts and we are not putting our best. No matter how many excuses we give but the truth won´t change. We know we didn´t do our Daimoku with full determination or lacked the conviction. We know we didn´t apply for jobs like crazy in time of hunting job, we know we didn´t organize or balanced our expenditures wisely during time of free flowing money or now when we are going through crisis. We know we are too emotionally dependent or controlling in our relationships. We know we never took care of what we ate or being physically active. ¨We don´t take full responsibility of our life, which is must in Buddhism practice¨.

I know right now while reading all this, you are like, Priya what do you even know about my life, my problems and so on. I know you just mumbled, that you have applied for 300 jobs or so. Let me share with you i sent 600 applications to get one offer, i was last one in my whole batch for getting it. But thanks to the beauty of practice i did my human revolution till i got the offer made every poison into medicine. In fact i got 2 offers eventually and i went for both one after another with a special extension to the second offer. You can blame me for being honest like hot iron or spitting venom. But you can´t deny the fact that we are the one´s putting causes in our own life. 

Ikeda sensei says, 

If you want to understand the causes made in the past, look at the results as they are manifest in the present. And if you want to know what results will be manifest in the future, look at the causes that exist in the present. The reality of your future self is forged by current action, in your behavior now.

I won´t shy away to tell you that last 10 days i have done tremendous work, i submitted 2 full drafts which i couldn´t do over last 2 years and now that work in hours or days. 

Want to know how? I was in low life and thinking i was doing my best but no somehow i regular in everything but not disciplined. So for a change instead of saying i am blocked and blocked i went to daimoku with 3 prayers: Enjoy daimoku, Protection and DO MY BEST WHERE I AM, RIGHT NOW. Eventually, only my action of waking up and doing daimoku at same time put my life in the rhythm of my prayers and my life is in sync with Eight Winds, Gosho. I am not sad as some days my work goes slow or it needs time and other days i am more productive. Point is forward movement, i put effort and so i am on path of regret free life just like sensei says.

Yes, i eventually gave my best and things turned. I based everything on daimoku and i gave all my worries to Gohonzon and all i did was chant and give my best. I wake up 5:30 to chant for an hour and leave house by 7 and then i come by 10:30 or so and again chant and sleep. I am doing it cutting back my sleep and doing things which i couldn´t do earlier. I put my weekends into activities as now i have no time during weekdays. 

Low life = Excuses, blame and sitting back and hoping for a miracle

High life = Action in practice and  Action in life

P.S if things are not happening chant for making this waiting time which is like a poison into medicine.   

3 step guide to break any deadlock, mind it ANY DEADLOCK!!!

Too many guidance and too much study material but in the end it is the one´s own experience that results into tried and tested solutions. You can say you have 100 problems and so you are in low life, but only deadlock we all have is low life condition once we turn this low life to high there are no more deadlocks.

I was sucked in all 4 sectors of karma from career, relationship, finance and health and when they all dawn together it is like there is no way of coming back up. 3 weeks ago, i lost big time but then i simplified my form of practice.

Here is how i changed my prayers:

1. Chant to cherish that i am chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.
2. Chant to have protection in all sectors of life.
3. Chant to give  my best where i am.

Result:
1. High life state: Despite similar challenges and problems, my life state raised in 2 days
2. Discipline: Being disciplined and desire to practice came naturally
3. Protection: Immediately things that were not moving for a long time started falling in place
4. Victories: YES
5. No deadlocks
6. Karma: Fixed or unfixed both seem to be changing every day.

Personal view point:

This practice is not complicated its just that we want to sort out everything and we want to chant on 100 prayers. I did that for a long time but suddenly after my biggest loss of career in years something did hit me hard. I realized i don´t want to run after life or run after my prayers, if i am votary of lotus sutra then things will come my way on their own. Question was but how and where do i lack? With chanting and reading so much my brain got stuck on one basic principle, cherish this practice and that i have encountered this law and then seek for nothing but protection. When i seek for protection it will cover all my prayers from A to Z, my prayers are nothing but all about finding solutions to the existing problems. For example, seeking protection for family means protection in health, finance or relationships isn´t it, and seeking this protection for ourselves will also cover all the sectors of problem. It helps me from not getting exhausted over my prayers which eventually turn into an obsession. Clear prayers even help me in feeling light and feeling complete without chanting for too much yet secure that things will happen.

Only thing i would say apart from this is, keep daimoku and gongyo pronunciation crystal clear and be sincere with silent prayers, this is truly a secret to break through the wall of negative karma that you have been standing behind no matter for how long. Do it for yourself and be surprised :)

Happy chanting

My story, My journey, My experience filled with protection ... Beautiful ode to November 18

So what is victory? Usually, we label victory as something like the job, relationship, marriage or money targets we have been chanting for. But today i want to take you all on a journey which i had over past two and a half months so that you can decide for yourself about, what is victory?

It all started in first week of September, I was attending a conference in a different country. I was there with a poste though it turned out to be a good one, i talked to many people and professors. There were a lot of questions and i answered them well. It was that one evening where i was on cloud 9 after many years. Till, 3 days after someone pick pocketed my wallet having my spanish residency card (my visa), bank card and cash and so on. I spent evening in police station, next morning in embassy as i had to travel in afternoon to come back to spain. Embassy did some sketchy work of giving me a paper but honestly it was not at all valid enough to enter. I was lucky as my passport was still with me and i came back without any checking or any questions about my visa. I was put into some weird situation where i was belittled with the fact that i had no cash on me. I some how reached home and there i was shattered into pieces as no one ever got any opportunity in my whole life to belittle me for just a small amount of money. It was weekend and i had no cash with no access to bank to take out money. My weekend was spent in running from one police station to another as i needed to file a complaint to apply for duplicate visa. I was crushed, humiliated, embarrassed even though i did nothing wrong. I felt devastated as it was not the time for losing my visa. I was suppose to got o US embassy for getting my USA visa for the big conference, the only oral presentation i got in my 3 year PhD. But no, i was diverted with loss of my spanish visa and next 3 weeks in process of spanish visa. I finished my process but it meant another month wait to actually have the card in hand. Meanwhile, i got hurdles with USA visa from papers to payment and finally i got appointment, did my interview. All went fine. 

I continued chanting for hours, byakuren while gosho was part of my daily life. Time went on, days after days, week after week my anxiety rose and i so my depression and eventually i ended up in my doctor's room.  I didn't stop in efforts. So, my spanish visa was on hold even though it was ready i couldn't pick it up as my passport was in embassy of USA. I had no legal documentation on me. I lost my friends, my house was feeling like a jail and i took every escape i got. I went on a weekend get away which i spent doing running, walking and chanting. The final day came while i already put tremendous daimoku on weekdays and 10 hour daimoku on weekends yet my life state was frozen in lower state. All i faced was failure, i lost biggest opportunity i had because my visa was not sent in time. Not only that, in result my boss once again put me through remarks where i was made guilty for not going to the conference. I worked for an year to get it but i didn't. My november 18 goal was over for me and i cried for once and letting it all go. Now what, 14 days has passed, every single day my mind still process this presentation in my head. Last 2 weeks, my only vision of practice was chant for protection as i was still sitting with no legal document in my hand while my spanish visa expired on last monday and my work permit was kept on hold. I ran out of money due to all expenditure of visa and legal work. 

Financial, relationship, career and health karma name it and i have been bearing it day in and out. 

"Nichiro, because you have read the entirety of the Lotus Sutra with both the physical and spiritual aspects of your life, you will also be able to save your father and mother, your six kinds of relatives, and all living beings. Others read the Lotus Sutra with their mouths alone, in word alone, but they do not read it with their hearts." (Gosho 26, vol 1., Letter to Priest Nichiro in Prison) 

"If the Buddha's prediction is true, there must be a votary of the Lotus Sutra in the Later Day of the Law, and the great difficulties that he encounters will surpass those that occurred during the Buddha's lifetime. I, Nichiren have personally suffered all nine great ordeals." (Gosho 49, vol 1. The votary of the Lotus Sutra)

"Lotus Sutra reads that it is "the most difficult to believe and the most difficult to understand." Many hear about and accept this sutra but when great obstacles arise, just as they were told would happen, few remember it and bear it firmly in mind. To accept is easy; to continue is difficult. But Buddhahood lies in continuing faith. Those to uphold this sutra should be prepared to meet difficulties. To "continue" means to cherish Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, the most important principle for all the Buddhas of the three existences." (Gosho 56, vol 1., The Difficulty of Sustaining Faith.)

After my biggest loss i just sat down chanting and letting it all go. Next morning i woke up again and did nothing but chant and then again in night. I went on doing this ever since each morning i wake up do my daimoku and each night i do it before i sleep. I have polished my Gongyo all over again and still working on it. I did either home visit, or meeting or some byakuren duty almost every day. My only prayer has been that what has happened can't be changed and my heart feels the pain day in and out yet i am determined to be happy or at peace with no dependence on my environment. My prayer has been all about having my protection and getting my passport back safely and sorting out my spanish visa securely. One morning after my daimoku, i opened my mail and my work permit was sitting there. Later on, after 3 days i just came back home from a home visit and i got email that my passport has been returned and yesterday i held my passport in hand and even went on to sort out my spanish visa renewal without having any appointment in hand yet it did work out . Each day, all i do is wake up, chant, do things, and then chant and sleep. I made sure things can go wrong but i will first do things i am responsible for and then i can do all the grieving or crying in the night. 

My career victory hasn't happened but things happened which i couldn't even think of, i transformed my relationship with my mother and i told her for first time in my life, how heart broken i felt. The person who couldn't even support me during my depression in past, this time he gave me hope and tried his best to show me light when i was blinded in my darkness. Victory happens where we are not looking. My letter to sensei is already written with all honesty and pain i felt and it will be posted today itself. My determination to report sensei is going to be fulfilled whether i have won or not but in name of my mission as a Bodhisattvas, i will keep winning.

My faith is stronger than ever, my spirit is in rhythm with gosho of Eight winds, neither let sadness  took me down nor happiness and legal work was done. I am glad persecutions are coming my way and my faith will keep going ahead like flowing water. 

P.S If you faced loss like me then believe me i know it is not okay and it will never be same. But, bodhisattva will keep marching ahead no matter what may come, we will keep cherishing our life with Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. In the end, hours won't make difference but a true heart of bodhisattvas will. Don't stop, never stop, never ever quit no matter how many falls you may face. I am with you. 

Happy chanting

Piece of my heart for all of you fighting hard out there

Yes, i am calling you, you the one out there fighting for long enough to get that job, get that one chance to prove your worth, capability, get yourself a bit of love, get yourself that food on table, trying to save yourself or your family, trying to fight against all the challenges. I know you have lost, i know you are in pain and i know it as i have been there, i am still there. I know how desperately you need to fight your relationship, career, health or financial karma. I might not be in your shoes but as a person who herself is going through each of the karma, i do feel you.

I am not here to tell you that it´s okay that you lost your chance or it´s okay even to go through any loss. I am not here to demean your wishes, dreams or anything. I know you deserved it, i know you have fought hard enough and i know it was your only hope in the darkest tunnel you have been. Once again you might feel like this is it, once again you might be in the darkest tunnel all over again and then you say it once again, i am done and i can´t do it anymore. But listen this is what sensei told us knowing we will be in such times and we need to remember all this:

• Reality is harsh. It can be cruel and ugly. Yet no matter how much we grieve over our environment and circumstances nothing will change. What is important is not to be defeated, to forge ahead bravely. If we do this, a path will open before us.

• There will be times in life when you cannot succeed. Or times when hardship seems about to crush you. Such times are inevitable, yet we should not allow our spirits to be broken by them.

• Anyone can hit a wall. The anguish felt then is proof of one’s desire to move forward. But all is for naught if you falter at that moment. Action—that is the key to breaking through an impasse.

• The times when we experience the most intense suffering, unbearable agony and seemingly insurmountable deadlock are actually brilliant opportunities for doing our human revolution.

• Nothing can match the strength of those whose lives have been shaped and forged through challenging and overcoming hardships. Such people fear nothing. The purpose of our Buddhist practice is to develop such strength and fortitude. To cultivate such an invincible core is in itself a victory.

• An ascending life, in which we keep striving to grow and improve—this is what is meant by human revolution. Human revolution doesn’t mean becoming something special or different from who we are; it simply means striving to improve, no matter what challenges we face.

• No matter how hopeless or bleak things appear, the moment always comes when suddenly our spirit revives, and hope is reborn. That is why we must never give up.

-Ref. Words of wisdom, by Daisaku Ikeda

Are your efforts in practice going in waste?

Answer is NO.

So someone asked me other day, "Priya, do you think our lives will ever change? May be all our efforts have gone in waste. Priya, why do you still practice when your prayers weren't answered? Priya, what should i do? How should I even continue in this dark tunnel?" (In short she said, "what the fuck and why the hell are you doing it?"😜)

Response: Benefits, Blessings, Protection, Answers and victories, they all come disguised. We don't even realize when they come and when they lead to new paths. (so, what we need is faith sometimes it will be easier with visible results other times it will be working with our fundamental darkness and other times it is already there but just a bit longer to manifest)

We as ordinary human beings are blinded by our own illusions which our mind has for example my victory will happen when i will get a job, i will find love or i will have financial security and so on. This practice has something beyond all that. Yes, we will get benefits but the problem is we as ordinary beings are always looking for shortcuts. It's like i am chanting but it didn't happen but you said all my prayers will be answered. Excuse me, my mother gave me everything i needed but she didn't accept my demands of junk food or chocolates everyday. Practice is exactly like that, gohonzon and buddhas of ten directions are like our mother not only protecting from bad but also pushing us in our own ways and limits to do our required human revolution. If we got everything we chant for, then we will keep stalling in our comfort zone thinking "oh yeah i just need to chat and i will have it". When sensei says "Gakkai activities are shortcut to happiness", why you still didn't take this line seriously. Dear, 4 activities does not guarantee life time happiness, each meeting we attend is like a cause which generates happiness immediately like the joy you feel after that meeting. 

Buddhism goes 24x7 without saying, life is about personal growth and this practice not only talks but demands us to act accordingly. We are lazy people, after all we enjoy being one and trust me in my case i started eating healthy just because i am lazy, it is easier to mix salad then cooking. But in other areas of my life laziness comes with its own consequences of stagnant life, un met deadlines and then stupid accusation from bosses. 

If we want to have victories, then we have to give our all out, 100%, why? 

1. Well, buddhism is about taking responsibility of our actions as the first thing. If we actually took this responsibility then why the hell are we blaming the practice or law when things don't go as planned. Which means my first human revolution comes into picture when things don't go as planned and instead of blaming, i must take full responsibility of what has happened. If i didn't blame practice that means i won't be ordinary being because first thing as an ordinary being i do is blame or complain. But once i break this chain, i have already won by taking a big step towards breaking my negative karmic chain.

2. Did i say, things didn't go as planned? Oopsie, aren't we forgetting about the "Strategy of the lotus sutra". We set goals and then we need to chant with the conviction that how or when or where but i will reach my goal and for that i seek wisdom, compassion and courage.  (In my share, i suffered the loss as i had too many plans and all those plans went into dust, i got dissected inch by inch by the truth of lotus sutra strategy testing me if i will still stay strong in faith.)

To conclude, 

"The body is endowed with the four sense organs, and the mind is generally related to all four. Hence the mind induces the rise or fall with respect to the body" (This where we can see why mastering one's mind is so important, this where we can see once again how mastering one's mind we can make hell into heaven); "The ten directions are the "environment," and living beings are "life". To illustrate, environment is like the shadow, and life, the body. Without body, no shadow can exist, and without life, no environment. In the same way, life is shaped by its environment. " (All my heart sees and feels is, our environment is only shaping our life similar to our challenges and that muddy water is making us grow like a beautiful lotus flower); "Lotus sutra conquers the fundamental darkness [from which all earthly desires originate]" (This practice is not about forgetting our desires or wishes rather this practice helps us win over them sometimes in form of real proof other times we just have to get the real human revolution done to reach there to get it) (Gosho 79, vol 1: On Omens)

Being VICTORIOUS without any victory of November 18th

So, who won my Faith or Fear ... continued

Sadly this is my stage 3 or so, where i was meant to share my real proof of achieving the only goal that made me feel alive in last 3 years but my FEAR won.

Peoples said many things but truth is, I have suffered to the extremes that it took its toll on my health for last 90 days. I felt burdened under the weight of my dreams and pressure to do more as a Bodhisattva and keep fighting like nothing has happened. And the final day came, i lost big time and the right time and the biggest opportunity of my this 4 years career came and went. Today, i am free of everything, free of dreams, goals, the fight to do more and more. I felt free of the people as they showed their true colors by neither understanding nor respecting my goals. 

Beauty in midst of struggle: I continued chanting each day for 4 hours and while my biggest fear was do i still have faith in my daimoku for myself like i have for others. I felt saddest the second day of my loss when a fellow ywd got in touch with me and she needed my words to give her hope. I told her everything she should do but at the same i felt like a hypocrite telling her to do everything which i personally did but i still didn't reach my goal. I told her how i wanted to be there but my life state wasn't matching my words but she was nice enough to still take my words positively and appreciate my existence in that moment. 

So now what, November 18 goal is over, practice still going on but where do i stand and what should I do now was my question?

Present: I started chanting to be able to make even this time count, and my pain to become a river of new journey in faith. I have been in some or other activity on daily basis from the day of my loss and i already have my next few days soaked in byakuren, meetings and home visits. My practice has got so consistent that the moment i wake up the only thing i hunt for is daimoku. 

Nichiren daishonin says: "To grieve is only natural. Even sages are sometimes sad." (Gosho 52., vol 1: Hell is the Land of Tranquil Light) In same gosho he says, "If one can uphold this (sutra), one will be upholding the Buddha's Body." It was the line where i knew that i must confront my loss or gain in same way, as upholding the Buddha's body is definitely not going to be a smooth journey rather it demands a constant forward motion in all areas of life without doubting the law or doubting the buddha's protection. One has to understand with such a big mission like ours as bodhisattvas of earth our biggest protection is invisible in simple acts of having food, shelter or basic necessities to go on. 

Take home message: 

**To my fellow comrades and friends in faith if you feel you victory is not in sight then all i have to say is, VICTORY can be either seen in real proof like me getting that opportunity or you getting that job, or better job or financial growth and so on or Victory can be seen in people's true love and understanding in such hard times, it can be personal approach to problems. For me, my victory in all this time is my family and especially the bond i have found with my mother, For me, my victory is my relationship where i found a whole new meaning of love, understanding, respect and forgiveness. For me, my biggest victory is new foundation of practice and new hunt for a deeper faith. 

** "Neither the pure land nor hell exists outside yourself, both lie only within one's own heart. Awakened to this, one is called a Buddha; deluded about it, one is called an ordinary person. The lotus sutra reveals this truth, and one who embraces the lotus sutra will realize that hell is itself the Land of Tranquil Light." (Gosho 52., vol 1: Hell is the Land of Tranquil Light)

** To myself and others my last bit of share is Toda's sensei guidance, "Youth is the time to grow, it is our training ground and therefore, we might feel like we are hit hard by destiny, yet these hits are bricks to the foundation we are building for the future."

Feeling Betrayed, used, heart broken, victim: Buddhism at your rescue

If you are thinking like the following then it is for you: So, i did everything for him/her and we used to be close and i trusted and i put my best effort like always gave too much in fact i always did more for him/er than me then why did s/he did this to me. Why i was betrayed by the only person i believed in? Don't they feel bad or even realise? I wasn't even wrong, i did everything right ... blah blah blah. You are hurt, heart broken and with no trust in friendship or love or humanity in general.

I was there and i see many of you there. So, what did i do and i still do to keep myself and my life balanced despite the "BETRAYAL".

A year and half ago: I was left once again desolated with no answers, no words and a disappearance as if the person never existed. I felt everything negative from betrayal to shock and lots of questions like why me, why again and why why why. Till i saw myself talking through everything that has happened and till i was there with my big question of, how come i still haven't transformed this karms in all these years despite of my practice. 

Result: I digged into my practice as i was lucky it happened during easter break, more lucky as my flatmate went for holidays and i had my home all by myself. I was in shock of not changing my karma in 4 years more than the pain i was left with. I started doing 3 things, running, running on daimoku and running on one gosho "Eight winds". It went on for 7 days precise, till on the 7th day i was hit by a supreme realisation of gratitude. I was spurred with gratitude for not just what has happened but everything that has happened throughout my life. With so much appreciation and gratitude from a hard childhood to rough teenage continued in a huge challenges of life, i faced all on my own. I was jumping with the joy that it was all perfect every pain, every tear i shed has actually led me to where i am today. 

Victory: I was at my best, with so much to thanks for even the person who left with nothing said. Thanks to him i chanted like that, thanks to him i stumbled on that gosho and thanks to him i came on terms with everything from my past, everything little thing. I take full pride in living that life despite the negativity it has, despite the fact that i never got to live a life of a girl and  so much more. 

Present: You know, i know the pain you are going through and trust me when people share such happenings of their life with me, i have tears in my eyes as i hold empathy for you. I can it myself and i feel so bad that you have to go through this. But trust me it is part of our human revolution, it is not the time to close our hearts but keep them open as someone out there is in need of a honest shoulder to cry upon, an honest concern and an honest person to trust. I went through major losses this year as well, someone i still love and care about and someone who still makes my eyes wet. But truth is i cherished what i had but i learnt through buddhism that it's okay to part ways. We all are on our own journey, we might be in same place at one moment but with our own individual growth, we might grow apart and different places in different moment. 

**I cherish what i had, and buddhism taught me one thing about unbending before the eight winds.

** Eight winds=> Attachment to prosperity, honor, praise or pleasure (the four favorable winds). Aversion to decline, disgrace, censure or suffering (the four adverse winds) [Ref; Gosho: The Eight Winds, vol 1, page 794)

**If you are unable to let go of what has happened, chant on it like making this poison into medicine. Chant to use this opportunity to do your human revolution. Chant to open your heart to love. 

** Right now, it might seem impossible, but just stay positive in front of the gohonzon even though you feel nothing but rage at present and let time unfold it to you. 

** My principle from daimoku: Acceptance, grieving of loss, and finally appreciating happy memories and finally smiling from heart that at least it happened.

P.S: It is hard and i know as i have myself taken years or months or weeks to grieve and then come to terms with everything yet when i came, it was a beautiful story with happy moment with a glitter of sadness of missing someone, with a little twinkle of both of us being happy in our own places. 

Who will win my faith or my fear? my story in my words

When we face challenges with our dreams, career struggles, health challenges or financial downfalls, we are surely in a moment of proving the power of law. A dear friend shared something with me other day and i knew i felt nothing less then the following passage. “Nichiren, … in this life was born poor and lowly to a chandala family. In my heart I cherish some faith in the Lotus Sutra, but my body, while outwardly human, is fundamentally that of an animal… Since my heart believes in the Lotus Sutra, I do not fear even Brahma or Shakra…” (WND- 1, Letter to Sado, 303). The Daishonin was on exile; he had no status, wealth or power. His situation was exactly the opposite of powerful figures of the day who were persecuting him. He lacked adequate food, clothing and shelter. All he possessed was his life. In truth, he had been stripped down to his bare humanity. Under such circumstances, the Daishonin declares that his body is “that of an animal.”

"In conclusion, after further self-reflection, the Daishonin proclaims that, because he has thoroughly and sincerely dedicated himself body and mind to the Lotus Sutra, he will attain enlightenment in both body and mind and is certain to become a Buddha. (WLS-3, 119)"

I don´t know where i stand lately while i watch my dreams turn into dust as if someone is snatching away my dreams bit by bit. Yesterday, i sat in front of my butsudan and i couldn´t even open it, i wanted to chant but my heart was so filled with emotions that i could barely catch a breath and then in a moment i decided to let go, let go of all. I knew i was fighting for no reason, if it is my mission i will get it and if not then not. Whether i like it or not, no matter how much I resist the negation part but if it is not happening then it won´t. Suddenly, i could see how the journey has always been this hard and how i have resisted it harder than the journey has been. This time i want to cry my heart out and let the resistance go away. I am not that strong but i plan to continue my practice in an another dimension. I want to let go of it all, while i just breathe in and out with nothing but my mission as a bodhisattva. I want to let go of my hunger and animal spirit.

After 4 years, exactly same time of the year i find myself crushed again with my desperation and obsession of career and goals. I know i am still hoping deep inside that i will just hear something that i will finally get an opportunity to change my fucking career karma. I am a hopeless dreamer and emotional fool like my mom always say. Though i still believe buddhism is all about following once dream yet it takes a lot of courage to chant with the conviction that, ¨As long as i am chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and i believe in Gohonzon, all will be fine and i will be alright¨. Sometimes we face such situations, to face what was underlying in our life for a very long time and in my case it might be my career while relationship karma stopped affecting me, my career took over as playground for sixth devil king.

Now, question is what will happen, will i cross over, will i grow out of it, will i be able to accept what is about to come.... now it is just a matter of some hours either today or monday i might just cross over like i might not even imagine but what if i don´t, what will happen to me, my faith and my spirit... to be continued...

Why you need to stop saying ¨Chant more¨? Learning compassion from clinical Depression

2 months now, people have said nothing but ¨Don´t worry. probably this is not for you¨,¨¨Don´t worry, it will be okay¨, ¨Oh you must chant more strongly ¨, ¨I don´t think you are practicing¨ and blah blah blah

Telling me or anyone to chant more is not the solution to anything or it is definitely nothing close to being compassionate. We need to take a hard look at the person in front of us and think harder how to be compassionate with fellow members. What i am learning from clinical depression and what i have learnt till now is very profound.

Last 30 days:

4 years challenges went on and on while a rough childhood and teenage yet here i am proud of every bit of me from physical or career. I am made of all i have seen in my life from worse to worst and i wouldn´t change a bit of it. I am glad of where i am and where i have reached and more glad that i am still a warm person and will keep extending my arm till i can to be there for others. Roughly 30 days now, i have been growing through clinical depression with anxiety attacks to sleeping for days play eating just greasy food. Wake up like no control over my own life, start crying and not stopping, sick with severe cough, tonsillitis and on and off with fever for now one month. I am irritated by everything people around me do from walking fast to fake smiles. Everyone diplomatic or full of falseness are the one´s bugging me that even thought of it makes my blood boil. 

People´s reaction for 30 days:

• I think you chant less. (-- yeah sure why not)
• Are you even practicing? (--damn right i am just a shallow practitioner)
• Chant more (--yeah i did 10 hours yesterday, should i do more?)
• Come on lets go party (--Girl got work to do)
• I think you are doing it all wrong. (--exactly i am all wrong)
• You need to smile and be happy (damn you, who doesn´t want to be happy)

Practice in last 30 days:

• Byakuren regular
• Daimoku regular, free days reaching 4-10hours
• Study - 3-5 goshos daily, books by sensei
• Faith - well i bought my ticket and another for someone special without any news of my travel, luggage almost ready, definitely did it because i believed my practice

Take home message:

• When someone talks about their determinations, goals or desires kindly and sincerely learn to listen, respect because just because your dream is happy marriage doesn´t mean all the others want same. People are out there fighting for their dreams not because they are fancy or luxurious rather they know what they want and what is important to them. 
• As badly as you want your love of life, someone out their wants their dream job and someone wants only to live through the cancer. 
• Low life or someone not practicing is not a reason for you to lecture them. If someone comes to us and they put their trust is in, we need to learn to respect them and see what is the best we can do. Just telling to chant more is no solution, yes they might have to chant more but they might need that one person who believes in them, believes in their dream
• I have supported my friends in chanting for them, with them but i don´t believe in chanting more is any good answer. 

¨We need to be like winter with ourselves in practice and life that is strict and rigid but when it comes to other we need to be warm and compassionate like the warmth of sun¨  (Can´t recall the source, but this guidance if from sensei which was told to me in a stuyd in SGI Australia, never left my heart)

Look again, ask again and learn to listen more than giving free guidance to anyone

An open letter to anyone who needs to be listened, i am opening my doors to you, ping me if you need one person to trust you, to just listen to you or someone to just walk with you till you reach where you wish to reach. With love, Priya  

Stage 2: Victory towards November 18?

If you are in same boat and experiencing the earthquake in your own little word then keep up as soon we will enter to stage 2 and i will be back with stage 2 of this journey to November 18 victory.

Continued...

Roughly 2 weeks ago after a whole lot of concentrated daimoku, i started going through a stage filled with anger and so much more. And today after 2 weeks, i can say anger calmed down though i have changed my course of fight. I have realized a lot of things including how my heart to heart dialogue that changed course of my relationship while i have discovered my true friends who are equally holding on to my dream and victory to happen. People who seemed closed actually faded away as i grew as an individual and became more selective of people i chose to surround myself with. Don´t be scared of losing people is my one advice to anyone, when we go through our life, we need to understand who adds to our life and who really adds to our dreams and passion, and it is totally fine to grow out of love, friendhsip and so on. If one is on self growth then despite the hard path one will always come in union with mission of one´s life. Though, my gratitude goes to Gakkai, which has played a huge role while i indulged myself in weekly byakuren and more of sending daimoku to fellow members more than talking. 

• Change is non-attachment to people in my environment.
• Lack of hope but one´s dreams should be big enough that they scare you. So, yes i am scared to hell but then i tell myself ¨Faith has to win over fear¨. “Reply to Kyo’o”: “Misfortune will change into fortune. Muster your faith, and pray to this Gohonzon. Then what is there that cannot be achieved?” (WND-1, 412).
  
• Determination: More the people in my environment ask me to prepare for a back up plan, more determined and clear i feel about my goals. I know i am in a position where i am down in hope as well as physically with bad health timing but i am not quitting. 
• Nichiren writes, “Iron, when heated in the flames and pounded, becomes a fine sword” (WND-1, 303). He also says, “Put into flames . . . gold becomes pure gold” (WND-1, 497). Every effort we make now will eventually become our greatest treasure. Facing and overcoming adversity causes our lives to shine like a jeweled sword or like pure gold.
  

In this stage, all i can say is three obstacles and four devils and devil king of the heaven has appeared in its full glory to sap the happiness out of me but i am determined through my actions of continuous daimoku to push through this. I even got one free day during the week where i challenged myself to do 10 hour daimoku while over the weekend i pushed another 10 hour daimoku. At the end of all the hours i put in, i could feel myself whispering again ¨Yes things are going to happen and i will overcome this and i will prove to all that Mystic law is bigger than everything¨. A lot is at stake but there is no more BUT´s. 

Personal Power Prayer

I am not a person with fixed prayers, i always chant from heart like follow my heart and feel every prayer i have. Sometimes, i just follow every emotion i am going through as i don´t believe in opening my butsudan or chanting with a descriptive prayers that is not coming from my heart. This is my reason to be able to chant for 5 minutes to 10 hours. Despite this form of chanting, i have always held some prayers dear to my heart and truth is with each passing day they only got more profound. So here is my recipe to embrace this practice and expand my life in day to day basis:

POWER PRAYER

• I must believe in my gohonzon, i must trust it with all my heart. I entrust it with all my wishes and desires and i chant for these prayers to unite with my mission of bodhisattva of the earth. I chant to believe that i am a Buddha, i chant to have Buddha´s wisdom, Buddha´s mind, Buddha´s face, Buddha´s eyes, Buddha´s ears, Buddha´s voice and Buddha´s heart filled with compassion. I chant to live a life of Buddha with all Buddha´s actions in accord with Mystic law.

Power Prayer when deadlocked:

• Gohonzon surprise me with the limitless potential you hold for me and i seek the wisdom to embrace it and live with this potential each day with Buddha´s courage .

• Faith wins over fear

Power Prayer for relationships:

• I chant for both of our happiness to come in union with each other and universe. I chant for the true Buddha nature to emerge in both of us and create value in our lives and in lives of people we are connected to. 

How to deal with a broken heart

Want a job, love of your life or home follow ...Beauty, Benefit and Good

Mr. Makiguchi taught that there are three kinds of value: beauty, benefit and good. In the realm of employment, the value of beauty means to find a job you like; the value of benefit is to get a job that earns you a salary so that you are able to support your daily life; the value of good means to find a job that helps others and contributes to society. Mr. Toda once said, "Everyone's ideal is to get a job they like (beauty), that is financially secure (benefit), and where they can contribute to society (good)."

Personal take: I have come to believe that this guidance is actually a solution for all our desires including a life partner, or a dream home. Likely said, Buddhism is logic, a strong foundation of nothing but basic principles and no matter what question we have, this is the only answer. 

Beauty: job you like, person you like, home you like (physical characteristics, and qualities and so on)

Benefit: Good salary, Supportive companion with a proper understadning, respect and trust or Comfortable home (resulting into day to day peaceful life)

Good: Job that contributes to your and others happiness, relationship where 2 people grow together with extending that happiness to family and friends, Home that can be a place for kosen rufu like meetings or kaikan or just a place where anyone who comes to your place find themselves calm and happy

Mr. Toda explains, but not many people are able to find the perfect job for them from the start. For example, someone may have a job that they like, but it isn't putting food on the table, or their job pays well, but they hate it. That's the way things go sometimes. Then there are some who discover that they're just not cut out for the career they dreamt of and aspired to.

Personal take: It is as if one can find a home and realize that it has some old water pipe or electricity issues or no elevator for old parents and so on. In case or relationship, a happily in a love couple is not having fights everyday while they discover how they are so different in day to day life or one has grown in his or her own life and now two of them are no on same page anymore as if falling out of love.

Mr. Toda said that the most important thing is to first become an indispensable person wherever you are. Instead of moaning over the fact that a job is different from what you'd like to be doing, he said, become a first-class individual at that job. This will open the path leading to the next phase in your life, during which you should also continue doing your best. Such continuous efforts will absolutely land you a job that you like, one that supports your life, and allows you to also contribute to society.

Personal take: We all want big things, but we all shy away from working for it. When we want to become a CEO of a company we need to remember it is not happening overnight. One passes college and then gains experience over years to reach to that level. We will be making our own mistakes and we will be learning through our own unique mission. Similarly, right now when that dream home is not built we are working on by saving money, while thinking on how we would like to design it or what color theme one would like. When it comes to matters of love, we might think like where is he or she, i am so lonely or i miss someone to share my life with. Though if we want a strong companion we also need to work on becoming ourselves equally strong, or grow as an individual that our future partner would also feel like ¨ohh wow he/she is amazingly beautiful or a true inspiration or qualities that make us grow fond of each other¨. 

And then, when you look back later, you will be able to see all of your past efforts have become precious assets in your ideal field. You will realize that none of your efforts and hardships have been wasted . . .

To conclude, we need to improve ourselves as an individual wherever we are right now while the effort we put today is actually like building a strong foundation for our future. It is like even though we don´t know what we want or where we would like to be but the best we can focus is on what we have in front of us and eventually we will reach where we want to be.

How to embrace Gakkai, leaders, fellow members and its rules without any grudges?

Have you ever hit that stage where you don´t connect with members anymore or you feel lack of trust or understanding with them. There is that time, where suddenly all the leaders seem wrong and we feel a surge of anger with their attitude of dealing with members. Somewhere, our brain is running with thoughts and so many mind strategies like how Gakkai could be improved and how this and that is so wrong. And there I was standing once again on this edge of fixing everything and how I was not able to trust my Gakkai family at my land of mission, Spain. Interestingly, I was still reaching out to Gakkai family of my previous land of mission from Germany. Truth is it wasn´t just Gakkai rather I was angry with my kosen rufu relationship, my kosen rufu home and suddenly my work place which was my hell seemed to be my only place to hide, hiding in my work and deadlines.

I wonder how many of you will hate me for saying this truth out loud or how many of you will really relate to it. But here is my journey and understanding; like every organization it has got its own rules and these rules or way or people working varies based on two major factors such as culture and background of Gakkai in respective country.

October 9: There may be times, certainly, when being a member of an organization seems bothersome and we just want to be alone. But how sad it is if we are left alone without any support and then lose our faith. True growth comes from striving together with our fellow members in the living realm of human beings, experiencing the rich gamut of human emotions.

Daisaku Ikeda, SGI President

It was yesterday´s daily guidance just in time as I am finding my balance of Gakkai and relationship with members while I am on a verge of huge human revolution, ¨Darkest before the dawn¨. I already went to two leaders in a week and I opened my heart to them. I told them how I believe in this practice and Gakkai but for now I am not able to trust anyone. I can´t even sit in monthly zadankai but still I pushed by taking multiple byakuren activities, attending meetings and reading multiple goshos every day. Surprisingly, my seniors knew what I was talking about and that moment I knew how normal it is to encounter such situations. And my YWD leader told me one thing, ¨Priya, stop demanding too much from yourself, I know you feel like you are not making any difference but in coming years you will see how much difference you made¨.

Self-reflection in today´s date:

• ·  All members are going through their own human revolution and yes it is normal to not like everyone
• · If we don’t like someone, time to remember that our environment is reflecting the conflicts and insecurities and fear we hold deep inside
• · Chant a lot for people´s happiness and to take full responsibility of their human revolution in my own hands and my daimoku has actually shown some real benefits
• ·  If I feel that my district lack some motivation or inspiration then I take more duties as emcee or in concept to share sensei´s guidance and gosho to impart the same emotion of sensei which is lacking.

Personal Victory: While I was short of words, I found a way of showing my love and concern through my actions at my kosen rufu home alongside I had an open heart to heart dialogue for my kosen rufu relationship and above all my action to meet leaders was appreciated as they thanked me for putting that trust and effort out there while I couldn´t trust anyone.

Take home message: I encourage myself and each one of us to have independent faith but always make sure to practice with others. Don´t waste energy on changing the outside or people, as change begin from within. This structure of Gakkai is made for a certain reason and we need to remember that like work and relationships, Gakkai is also a ground for our training playing an important role in our mission to turn poison into medicine.

How does daimoku, activities and efforts are working for our victory towards November 18?

November 18 is not far away and we all have already started walking towards it with endless amount of daimoku, activities and endless efforts get our goals.

Like you all, i am working towards my biggest goal for November 18 with nothing in my sight but reporting my victories directly to sensei this time. So, yeah this time it is not just any goal this my ¨The Goal¨, ¨The real proof¨ or say this is it for me to advance in my faith. Exact 1 month ago, i was stuck like there was no turn around, i lost calm and i went into low life though it was for merely 2 days before i got up again and recharged my batteries with fresh determination. After 25 days, here i am still charging towards my goals though a lot has been going around. 

I am realizing this is the first stage in this journey of victory as i can see a clear change in my environment from work to home and my personal life with all the people in my environment. Now probably you are wondering, this is all positive change well here is the surprise. 

In last 25 days, i started reading Gosho more than usual like 3-10 goshos every day with daimoku and continuous participation of byakuren. I encountered over a quote of sensei ¨Complain erases the good fortune¨. Along with, an experience where a ywd started chanting on ¨transform resentment into compassion¨ as no matter how hard work she did and good causes she put but she was not able to have a breakthrough. Even though i never felt any resentment other than for my life at times, i thought to give it a try.  Two weeks of chanting on ¨transform resentment to compassion¨, i have turned into a walking fury. Every minute, i can feel how i am on a edge, i need to control my anger with a control over my sarcasm. I have to apologize multiple times to my boyfriend for being so sarcastic. Man, who said daimoku doesnt´t work :P My one prayer is challenging me by putting all sections of my life on forefront with nothing but so much anger and resentment. Interestingly, suddenly even the invisible resentment has come out. All of a sudden, i am irritated by everything people do, i don´t trust anyone not a single person. Additionally, all fellow member are also in similar boat saying hell is broken lose and questioning me that what happened to all their hard work. Well here is what i am telling myself each day.

Pointers:

• Remember, it is always darkest before the dawn. This situation of hell broke lose is like blessing in the disguise, answer of our prayers. This is the wake up call and the dirt sitting under that carpet is finally out.
• Answered prayers can bring out what might have become invisible to us, but need to be taken care of to bring that change (human revolution)
• Not a single effort goes to waste, just keep pushing forward soon this dust will settle down after practice is like ¨Dragon Gate¨ Dragons have the job of making the rain fall—this same work can be regarded as a burden or as a mission, depending on how one looks at it. This difference in outlook or attitude is also what determines whether we will be defeated by negative influences, or evil friends, or successfully attain Buddhahood. Truly, as Nichiren says, “It is the heart that is important” (“The Strategy of the Lotus Sutra,” WND-1, 1000). And this difference in heart or spirit comes down to whether or not we embrace the great vow that is mentioned in this letter.

If you are in same boat and experiencing the earthquake in your own little word then keep up as soon we will enter to stage 2 and i will be back with stage 2 of this journey to November 18 victory.