My story, My journey, My experience filled with protection ... Beautiful ode to November 18

So what is victory? Usually, we label victory as something like the job, relationship, marriage or money targets we have been chanting for. But today i want to take you all on a journey which i had over past two and a half months so that you can decide for yourself about, what is victory?

It all started in first week of September, I was attending a conference in a different country. I was there with a poste though it turned out to be a good one, i talked to many people and professors. There were a lot of questions and i answered them well. It was that one evening where i was on cloud 9 after many years. Till, 3 days after someone pick pocketed my wallet having my spanish residency card (my visa), bank card and cash and so on. I spent evening in police station, next morning in embassy as i had to travel in afternoon to come back to spain. Embassy did some sketchy work of giving me a paper but honestly it was not at all valid enough to enter. I was lucky as my passport was still with me and i came back without any checking or any questions about my visa. I was put into some weird situation where i was belittled with the fact that i had no cash on me. I some how reached home and there i was shattered into pieces as no one ever got any opportunity in my whole life to belittle me for just a small amount of money. It was weekend and i had no cash with no access to bank to take out money. My weekend was spent in running from one police station to another as i needed to file a complaint to apply for duplicate visa. I was crushed, humiliated, embarrassed even though i did nothing wrong. I felt devastated as it was not the time for losing my visa. I was suppose to got o US embassy for getting my USA visa for the big conference, the only oral presentation i got in my 3 year PhD. But no, i was diverted with loss of my spanish visa and next 3 weeks in process of spanish visa. I finished my process but it meant another month wait to actually have the card in hand. Meanwhile, i got hurdles with USA visa from papers to payment and finally i got appointment, did my interview. All went fine. 

I continued chanting for hours, byakuren while gosho was part of my daily life. Time went on, days after days, week after week my anxiety rose and i so my depression and eventually i ended up in my doctor's room.  I didn't stop in efforts. So, my spanish visa was on hold even though it was ready i couldn't pick it up as my passport was in embassy of USA. I had no legal documentation on me. I lost my friends, my house was feeling like a jail and i took every escape i got. I went on a weekend get away which i spent doing running, walking and chanting. The final day came while i already put tremendous daimoku on weekdays and 10 hour daimoku on weekends yet my life state was frozen in lower state. All i faced was failure, i lost biggest opportunity i had because my visa was not sent in time. Not only that, in result my boss once again put me through remarks where i was made guilty for not going to the conference. I worked for an year to get it but i didn't. My november 18 goal was over for me and i cried for once and letting it all go. Now what, 14 days has passed, every single day my mind still process this presentation in my head. Last 2 weeks, my only vision of practice was chant for protection as i was still sitting with no legal document in my hand while my spanish visa expired on last monday and my work permit was kept on hold. I ran out of money due to all expenditure of visa and legal work. 

Financial, relationship, career and health karma name it and i have been bearing it day in and out. 

"Nichiro, because you have read the entirety of the Lotus Sutra with both the physical and spiritual aspects of your life, you will also be able to save your father and mother, your six kinds of relatives, and all living beings. Others read the Lotus Sutra with their mouths alone, in word alone, but they do not read it with their hearts." (Gosho 26, vol 1., Letter to Priest Nichiro in Prison) 

"If the Buddha's prediction is true, there must be a votary of the Lotus Sutra in the Later Day of the Law, and the great difficulties that he encounters will surpass those that occurred during the Buddha's lifetime. I, Nichiren have personally suffered all nine great ordeals." (Gosho 49, vol 1. The votary of the Lotus Sutra)

"Lotus Sutra reads that it is "the most difficult to believe and the most difficult to understand." Many hear about and accept this sutra but when great obstacles arise, just as they were told would happen, few remember it and bear it firmly in mind. To accept is easy; to continue is difficult. But Buddhahood lies in continuing faith. Those to uphold this sutra should be prepared to meet difficulties. To "continue" means to cherish Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, the most important principle for all the Buddhas of the three existences." (Gosho 56, vol 1., The Difficulty of Sustaining Faith.)

After my biggest loss i just sat down chanting and letting it all go. Next morning i woke up again and did nothing but chant and then again in night. I went on doing this ever since each morning i wake up do my daimoku and each night i do it before i sleep. I have polished my Gongyo all over again and still working on it. I did either home visit, or meeting or some byakuren duty almost every day. My only prayer has been that what has happened can't be changed and my heart feels the pain day in and out yet i am determined to be happy or at peace with no dependence on my environment. My prayer has been all about having my protection and getting my passport back safely and sorting out my spanish visa securely. One morning after my daimoku, i opened my mail and my work permit was sitting there. Later on, after 3 days i just came back home from a home visit and i got email that my passport has been returned and yesterday i held my passport in hand and even went on to sort out my spanish visa renewal without having any appointment in hand yet it did work out . Each day, all i do is wake up, chant, do things, and then chant and sleep. I made sure things can go wrong but i will first do things i am responsible for and then i can do all the grieving or crying in the night. 

My career victory hasn't happened but things happened which i couldn't even think of, i transformed my relationship with my mother and i told her for first time in my life, how heart broken i felt. The person who couldn't even support me during my depression in past, this time he gave me hope and tried his best to show me light when i was blinded in my darkness. Victory happens where we are not looking. My letter to sensei is already written with all honesty and pain i felt and it will be posted today itself. My determination to report sensei is going to be fulfilled whether i have won or not but in name of my mission as a Bodhisattvas, i will keep winning.

My faith is stronger than ever, my spirit is in rhythm with gosho of Eight winds, neither let sadness  took me down nor happiness and legal work was done. I am glad persecutions are coming my way and my faith will keep going ahead like flowing water. 

P.S If you faced loss like me then believe me i know it is not okay and it will never be same. But, bodhisattva will keep marching ahead no matter what may come, we will keep cherishing our life with Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. In the end, hours won't make difference but a true heart of bodhisattvas will. Don't stop, never stop, never ever quit no matter how many falls you may face. I am with you. 

Happy chanting