Being VICTORIOUS without any victory of November 18th

So, who won my Faith or Fear ... continued

Sadly this is my stage 3 or so, where i was meant to share my real proof of achieving the only goal that made me feel alive in last 3 years but my FEAR won.

Peoples said many things but truth is, I have suffered to the extremes that it took its toll on my health for last 90 days. I felt burdened under the weight of my dreams and pressure to do more as a Bodhisattva and keep fighting like nothing has happened. And the final day came, i lost big time and the right time and the biggest opportunity of my this 4 years career came and went. Today, i am free of everything, free of dreams, goals, the fight to do more and more. I felt free of the people as they showed their true colors by neither understanding nor respecting my goals. 

Beauty in midst of struggle: I continued chanting each day for 4 hours and while my biggest fear was do i still have faith in my daimoku for myself like i have for others. I felt saddest the second day of my loss when a fellow ywd got in touch with me and she needed my words to give her hope. I told her everything she should do but at the same i felt like a hypocrite telling her to do everything which i personally did but i still didn't reach my goal. I told her how i wanted to be there but my life state wasn't matching my words but she was nice enough to still take my words positively and appreciate my existence in that moment. 

So now what, November 18 goal is over, practice still going on but where do i stand and what should I do now was my question?

Present: I started chanting to be able to make even this time count, and my pain to become a river of new journey in faith. I have been in some or other activity on daily basis from the day of my loss and i already have my next few days soaked in byakuren, meetings and home visits. My practice has got so consistent that the moment i wake up the only thing i hunt for is daimoku. 

Nichiren daishonin says: "To grieve is only natural. Even sages are sometimes sad." (Gosho 52., vol 1: Hell is the Land of Tranquil Light) In same gosho he says, "If one can uphold this (sutra), one will be upholding the Buddha's Body." It was the line where i knew that i must confront my loss or gain in same way, as upholding the Buddha's body is definitely not going to be a smooth journey rather it demands a constant forward motion in all areas of life without doubting the law or doubting the buddha's protection. One has to understand with such a big mission like ours as bodhisattvas of earth our biggest protection is invisible in simple acts of having food, shelter or basic necessities to go on. 

Take home message: 

**To my fellow comrades and friends in faith if you feel you victory is not in sight then all i have to say is, VICTORY can be either seen in real proof like me getting that opportunity or you getting that job, or better job or financial growth and so on or Victory can be seen in people's true love and understanding in such hard times, it can be personal approach to problems. For me, my victory in all this time is my family and especially the bond i have found with my mother, For me, my victory is my relationship where i found a whole new meaning of love, understanding, respect and forgiveness. For me, my biggest victory is new foundation of practice and new hunt for a deeper faith. 

** "Neither the pure land nor hell exists outside yourself, both lie only within one's own heart. Awakened to this, one is called a Buddha; deluded about it, one is called an ordinary person. The lotus sutra reveals this truth, and one who embraces the lotus sutra will realize that hell is itself the Land of Tranquil Light." (Gosho 52., vol 1: Hell is the Land of Tranquil Light)

** To myself and others my last bit of share is Toda's sensei guidance, "Youth is the time to grow, it is our training ground and therefore, we might feel like we are hit hard by destiny, yet these hits are bricks to the foundation we are building for the future."