Real proof, real victory - Nam myoho renge kyo

Heads up, leave what you are doing as today i am going to stir your faith with my final chapter of PhD life. Get your coffee and find your quite corner otherwise whoever is bothering you, will end up crying as you are going to scream like run away, not now :P

After 7 years of practice, and past 4 years with nothing but human revolution and getting stronger in faith and focusing on becoming a better person has finally led to historic moment in my life, in my faith and yes every 7 years something big happens.

I was planned to do my thesis defense on 30th October, it is something like a court scene, jury is sitting and you get only 40-45 minutes to present your 4 years or work and then defend your work by answering questions for 1 hour or so. Later, the jury panel takes a decision on what grade of PhD you have done. And so i was all set to leave for India on 10th November and see my family after one year and half.

Little background from my last post. Though a lot of questions were still left to be answered. 3 and 1/2 weeks before my defense, i was told that it is cancelled as my professor from Germany was not able to submit my review due to his tight schedule... which resulted in cancellation of my defense date while i was about to run out of my visa on 14th November due to which my trip to India was planned a little before that.

Continuing...

My immediate reaction was to reach out to my finally which i rarely do, though this time gohonzon turned around my game. He directed me to learn how to lean onto my loved ones. I went back to work next day and the practice gave me strength to take it all on me. I didn´t complain to anyone, my emotions were going haywire with my body´s response but i kept looking ahead. At the end of the day, when i found that no one could help me out, so i decided to write an constructive email. It resulted into an indirect response with a little glimpse that review might be submitted in coming days but there was no direct response to my email. I went home and chanted and somehow survived another night. Next morning, i still got no response and sent another mail which resulted in a very negative reaction and it stirred me to the core. It was Wednesday, i was appointed for my byakuren duty in evening for 3 hours. I was clear with one thing in my head, no matter how shitty my situation is or how i can lose my 4 years of hard work in matter of a second, but nothing can come between me and my practice. I washed my crying face, switched my mind to Bodhisattva Priya and went to centre. I welcomed members with a big smile and did my duty to the best. I went again on Friday when centre is open again and chanted till the end. Still no confirmation and so weekend went soaked in gakkai activities and me only living as a Bodhisattva. Finally, Monday morning we got to know review is submitted but defense will be pushed to 10th of November. Right, exactly the day i was supposed to walk out of Spain. Gohonzon was working its own thing, i got worried on how to extend my visa and stay here longer. Another week spent in running to different people but nothing to rescue. I found two risky ways to find a way out. I tried applying for work permit all over again with no work contract and no surety about what might happen. I continued only one thing, living like a Bodhisattva, didn’t tell many people what was really going on with me. I steadfast in my faith, each time kaikan was open and i was there. Meanwhile, Thursday i got to know that the dream job i applied for, i didn’t get it. It was my breaking point, it broke me till inside as I was only holding on to that and chanting with a joy that yea gohonzon, you and I are finally going to Ireland and finally 4 year suffering has brought me this beautiful job and new country and new life. I was crying for few days but still kept the news between me and only 2-3 people. Immediately, on coming Sunday, I was supposed to go to Madrid for biggest zadankai where 1000 members were coming together from all over Spain, Portugal and even islands in near proximity. And my fundamental darkness was on surface so strongly that my body shut down, my face went blank and I knew I needed a time off but there was no break for me. As my financial karma has been on fire last year, I had to take overnight bus to be there next day for 2 hours meeting. I finally made it there and looking at all the YWD leaders, my fundamental darkness got haywire and I just wished to run away from there. Though when I got on stage with rest of the youth to sing the song, I saw those members out there and I knew it doesn´t matter how I feel personally, as I am part of something so big and how we all come together to work for becoming happiness and share this happiness that my personal emotions doesn’t even stand a chance. I soon left reminding myself that my big mission might seem inexistent to myself at this point of my life but i will continue my journey as a member of gakkai no matter what.

My return from Grand zadankai only resulted in more darkness and I had huge problems with fellow ywd leaders. But one thing I knew very clearly was that if I have lost my dream job and who knows what might happen with PhD, unemployment support or even when visa expires then I am done living a life of compromise. And I had courage to give up only thing I was left with and I gave up on my 2 and ½ year relationship. I knew I needed to discover who I am and what is really going to happen to me. This decision stirred a lot and only good thing out of this was that for first time neither I nor my boyfriend ran away without saying anything. I had courage to face the consequences of my decisions with the bullshit of present age that involves blocking the other person. I have chosen to stay by his side as a friend and beauty of everything is that he has started chanting and now I support him through my daimoku and I will let him discover his own journey with his own daimoku.

On the other hand, as my situation in gakkai was really hurting me and so, I finally reached out for a guidance from WD leader. I continued with byakuren duty and practice while I was told that everything starts from a dialogue. Soon, as my biggest cause I reached out to an YWD leader expressing my concerns and soon I got a fresh guidance from her. Even though there wasn’t much for me to really uplift me but just a simple act of expressing my emotions about members around me and my challenges made me feel so light as if the dark cloud of my own fundamental darkness got lifted immediately.

And finally, I did learn my biggest lesson which had made me go strong in gakkai as organization, even if I don´t like someone but for kosen rufu I should find just enough balance to not let kosen rufu be affected due to personal differences. I had 12 days ahead of me and so I determined to live each as a walk of 12 days from kamakura to Kyoto. And so I home visited the member who was acting as biggest function of devil king for obstructing my practice and making me feel worse after each meeting. I got real proof when this same person gave me her notes to help me study for my level 2 exam in gakkai. As I was under PhD issues, and endless problems so reading whole material in Spanish really took a back seat for me. Exam was going to happen on 5^th November in 3 days while on 10^th I had my defense. Meanwhile my presentation draft and my rehearsal for defense was a big failure and so much to be changed and still I was with no time to read material for exam. Despite my career priorities, I made a decision that I will focus only on exam and after that I will focus on my PhD defense. And, finally I wrote level 2 Buddhism exam in Spanish with my head set on doing it as my final biggest cause for my mission here.

Devils are my biggest friend, and so 3 days before my defense I got to know that my work permit application was required to show financial support for next year. As I had no money in account and I needed 6000 euros and I knew my game here is over. Without asking for help just knowing my situation my boss and friends showed up support thought it wasn´t enough. With all the problems on my plate I continued and soon, on 10^th November, I did my defense with my only prayer to have a voice clear as moon and be bright as the sun. I was fearless and I enjoyed those 2 hours of defense. I was given excellent grade from Spain while Magnum cum laude (great distinction) from Germany. So, yeah after 4 years I have two doctorates. In fact, I even got special remarks from external jury in person. I ended my day by going to kaikan and not to some celebration. You might wonder wow so she has what she wanted. Truth is, I didn’t feel anything like happiness despite all that. Rather, my body was finally shutting down and I could barely eat food for another 4-5 days.

Till on 12^th November, I got to be part of byakuren for level 1 exam and I cried out of joy to see how many people are really working towards becoming happy. That absolute happiness took over me and despite of weakness I stood in front lines as a byakuren. And, soon on 14^th November my visa was over and I found out that my work permit was rejected. I was wondering like gohonzon what is really going on. I went for my second risky way and another day went with another big hit as I was denied for that option as well. I started chanting with one thing in my head, if my mission is still here than I will see a real proof with my own eyes. Soon I shared my experience in last zadankai of this year and I found my colleague at work being moved by experience. As an audience at my defense she even told me how my defense was transmitted to her. She said exact same words that I had been chanting for all this time. That was first time I realized that I achieved my goal without even realizing. Meanwhile from 3 days even on weekend I and my flatmate took challenge to chant together for my legal situation from 6:30 to 7:30 am. And 2 days back, I chanted for 7 hours and I went to ask for unemployment with only one paper saying I have applied for work permit. I chanted to have buddha´s and shoten zenzin. When I reached there I was supposed to deal with 3 women and believe me or not but all three were truly buddha´s to me. I even ended up becoming friendly and making jokes with them. And I got my biggest real proof in 4 years and gohonzon actually showed me that my mission is still here while I was provided with unemployment support. I came home and got back to daimoku of gratitude it was the biggest proof I have seen in my last 4 years of stay in Spain. In fact last but not least, yesterday I got the news that the secret voting of Spanish PhD defense has given me highest grade of PhD as I aimed from last 3 years.

For now, I am still on with my visa renewal process while I don´t have to depend on my family for finances and I get some time to find for my new land of mission. Who knows what might happen but I have successfully send my PhD thesis copy to sensei as a token of my gratitude to him for standing by my side throughout this journey. I am not just a doctorate, i have actually become a person who doesn´t complain, or get angry yet sadness might get best of me but i have learn appreciate that about me as i am human. Pain is required at times to realize that we still have a heart and we still have something important left with us to lose which can cause pain. It took me 4 years to see a real concrete proof but i have only gone strong all these years with putting faith as first. 

Happy chanting.

What is Victory and why you should stop waiting for it? - Nam myoho renge kyo

I shared my journey... i shared how i have kept winning each day... i shared how our practice gives us the way to be victorious each day. I am just trying to learn from what sensei has done over the years.

My secret to find my smile in midst of all the challenges is my faith, it is how i have understood practice and the meaning of ¨Victory¨.

5 years back, a leader showed me the hard truth of my life that how selfish i am as i just couldn´t reach my goals. That day in fact even one month following that i struggled to even understand what he really meant. How can a person like me be nothing but selfish? He was right, i was only focused on reaching my goals, reaching those end results that only represented how my whole existence and happiness was dependent on something outside.

Fast forward to today, i am in most uncertain time of my life, being in foreign land and having no back. For many i am not okay or happy or any close to victory. But i know i have won already. Truth is in all the uncertainty, i am still OKAY. I don´t need world to see it that i have won today as i made it out of my bed, I am victorious each day in multiple ways. Believe me or not same goes for you. Just because dream, job, a perfect soul mate or love or money is not happening even then you can win each day. My biggest victory is my smile, the warmth i carry with me for people around me including strangers i walk by on streets or the lady who sat next to me in the bus. My smile and kindness and hope i shared with others through my eyes is how i win each day. We can´t keep waiting for days and months or even years in hope of someday it will happen or someday i will meet someone. Wake up tot the truth, opening that Butsudan and chanting each morning is like embracing the law that says ¨Chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is happiness¨. This absolute happiness is in your hands. I know you feel like crying and your heart aches as relative things didn´t work out as you wished but despite that when we start living our life as bodhisattva of the earth, we are already victorious.  I won the day I personally came to accept the truth that my face is a reflection of Soka Gakkai spirit, or my smile even on tough day shows how Buddhism helps me improve day to day life. Now that´s how i have seen real proof of practice. Proof is when at night i still have a bed to sleep in or some days have even the food. Some day’s just one person who can sit by my side. Victories have no name, they are what you think they are.

Reflect upon your journey, earlier i will have tough times and i will complain and stay sad till life wasn´t fixed. Now, i am conscious of my life, my emotions yeah may be i feel hurt but acceptance of my emotions doesn´t mean that my emotions have to control me. The concept of ¨Master your mind¨, put that into application and i have learnt to do this and i do it consciously each day. With all i am going through, i am come closer to my family, a hard core person like me has learnt to lean on to my family. That’s my victory. I have learnt to put my problems aside and be there for others. I have to continue living and enjoying those beautiful meetings.

The real meaning of our faith and how to apply in our daily life is explained again and again by sensei. In fact the book, discussion on youth talks about, ¨Drawing on the belief that every person has within them an “inexhaustible wellspring” of strength and wisdom, the authors assert that every difficulty, no matter how serious, are essential experiences to achieve a fuller, happier life. The most fulfilling way to live, they assert, is one spent for the happiness of both oneself and others.¨

Sensei has written his journey over the years explaining the hardships he had to go through and his spirit to go on without weighing his past or present in terms of victories. You know for me you are victorious when despite all you are going through or a night spent in tears yet you showed up next morning for the meeting with a smile on your face.

Sensei says, ¨ In society we find those who win and those who lose. Fortune and misfortune cannot be calculated. However, even if one wins, his elation will not last indefinitely. But a person of self-awakening, even if temporarily defeated, can go on to build a future vaster, broader, deeper and greater than that of the person who originally won. As long as one is not defeated fundamentally, he should continue step-by-step, confident of his eventual victory.¨

Fortune and misfortune cannot be calculated. However, even if one wins, his elation will not last indefinitely. But a person of self-awakening, even if temporarily defeated, can go on to build a future vaster, broader, deeper and greater than that of the person who originally won. As long as one is not defeated fundamentally, he should continue step-by-step, confident of his eventual victory.

Chanting diamoku is the only way to break deadlocks, whether of the body or the mind.

The sooner one knows the Mystic Law, the sooner he can attain happiness and peace. Even a day’s hesitation will cause a day’s delay of happiness and peace.

Only the Gohonzon enables us to solve everything. All I must do is reflect on my own faith, and whether or not I am committing any slander.

Now about your goals, well you will reach them if not today then tomorrow but all you got to do till then is live your life to the best and work on your human revolution. You can´t spent all this time weeping and only smiling in good times as that is no what Soka spirit is. Anyway, if you ask me but I don’t feel happy so how do I do it… remember what sensei said, ¨Gakkai activities are shortcut to the happiness¨

-Happy Chanting

Victory...i keep screaming victory - Nam myoho renge kyo

As I sit here looking outside the window of my office, cloudy day as if universe is trying to cheer me up while my heart breaks into zillion pieces. How fascinating it is, one heart which basically exists only to pump blood yet every time something happens in our life, we blame our heart. It crushes so hard and it seems impossible to breathe.

Let me tell you why on such a low day, I have decided to write my experience. Because it was me who told every single member I have ever supported in faith, to write your experience when you have nothing to feel gratitude for. Today, I miss being alive, miss my smile and all I  wana do is run and run harder till my legs give up and my heart screams stop and then open my butsudan and chant to embrace it all. When you live 6 years out of your own country and your home, you know people might remember you but everyone has learnt how to live without you. In the end, I have only one home and that is my butsudan.

Rewinding back to 1^st September seems stupid and useless in fact it seems as if it never existed. Anyhow, sit back and join me on this crazy journey I have been through.

It was a hard month especially with my load of financial karma. I went back to work, with running thoughts on how to manage finances while I was in middle of printing 12 thesis, defence registration and 1 week in conference in another country where I was supposed to pay everything on my own while reimbursement will happen at end of month. When I calculated all those expenditures, I knew I had no money for rent or food this month. I sat in front on my gohonzon thinking well my September karma is back, so what´s your plan this time. I sat for chanting only to seek out for protection. I needed nothing but protection no matter what might happen in coming days. Salary came, paid my bills and there I was with no money for conference as my thesis and defence registration were my bigger priorities. My life state was fine even though my brain and my financial limits were crushing my daily life. Soon, ways opened and I got financial support from my boss and my registration was paid directly from my scholarship. Though I have said it so easily, it is basically impossible to explain how I felt each day, each minute and my nights spent in nightmares. I am a proud person in financial matters like my mother. I choose to die of hunger but never ask for help. I just don’t know how to ask for help. My biggest human revolution this time was to speak up and trust other person to help me out. Even though I was worried that I will be degraded by this person though gohonzon made sure nothing like that happened. Above all, this September I actually made best of my bank balance. I changed my own negative karma into positive when I learnt how to manage expenses and still manage to save even if that meant just few bucks. Some unimaginable things happened, from transformation of relationship karma at work and for the first time I even got an opportunity to prepare study for my byakuren meeting and I did tough every single person´s heart.

While all that was happening, I didn’t know my PhD was soon gonna be in danger. Just How can I forget that Monda, a holiday. I didn´t wana do anything, I was slave of my female hormones and I was gonna sit on sofa whole day or even eat whole bucket of ice cream. Till my mobile made that beep sound and the title of the email ¨Problem with defence¨. That was it, I read it and I sat there in shock. My fight of past 4 years started flashing in front of my eyes as if I fought all this time for not even getting one single PhD title forget the double title. My biggest benefit in middle of all that was, I finally made a call, a call to my family which I have never done especially in tough times. At last, for first time in 28 years only people I thought of was my family, I told them how I felt, how broken I was… I had just my family who could feel my pain and even hear it through my tears. In that moment I knew, I had no one but my family, who can pick me up. Friends and love nothing was real in the toughest moment but it was my family.

Another benefit was, I went to work Tuesday knowing what has happened, knowing no one could do anything but I didn’t spit not a single word of complaint. I made a wise decision and then another stupid decision but that’s fine with me. I realized I am just girl, fighting with all her might to save her career as her career is all she had to survive in the harsh realities of the word. I kept running from one office to another to find any way to renew visa while I was denied rights to even receive government support for my period of unemployment.

You know what my victory was, that Wednesday I cried and then stopped my tears and told myself ¨I have byakuren duty today and this is not how a Buddha´s face look¨ and went to kaikan and opened door for members with a big smile as if I was the happiest person on the earth. I chanted with only one thought, I will overcome all this with pure protection as these obstacles can´t stop me from my mission to spread law. I don´t know if I can yet that I have won but yeah with that one prayer things moved, there is still nothing sure what might happen to my PhD or visa or unemployment but I just know I have gohonzon and I am going to hang on till I have to.

¨That Monday mail, made me realize how I have reached that 12^th day from  kamakura to kyoto, how it is darkest before dawn and how I must be doing something so right that I am facing such challenges and how much I have grown.¨ It has been hard, my fight with my depression and anxiety is going on daily basis but real proof is I am still hanging on. With the cherry on the top, my relationship karma is back and I know it´s not very optimistic view but for now I wanna sit up there in mountains, watching the sky, stars and may even let myself feel broken for a bit but I know my biggest victory is around the corner. Soon this whole 4 year mission will make sense to me… to be continued

P.S just hang on, if you need someone to listen to you, I am here, I will make sure you can go to sleep or give you a reason to wake up

2 AM walk in Barcelona

I wasn't wandering but just on my way back to home... knowing the streets as if i grew around here. I walked down the streets as if living in another age. My mind slipped down to memory lane. The first memory to fly off to another continent as if i was going to a nearby market... the night i dared myself and took off to club all alone, took some drinks and danced out for an hour...
the day i enjoyed the dancing there like a free spirit so free that i scared men away, they watched em move but no one dared to lead me...that night when my heart was broken and that guy just sat with me by lake explaining me his own shit love story while i walked home all alone... then again another man didn't dare walk me to my place...
the return  where they made me feel i never belonged there and made me more sure to better be alone, i kept going through my daily life touching lives, moving on, spreading smiles still never been good enough... all she wanted to do was control me but still i chose my way ...
that night with no food, then a year long lived in darkness, from unknown language to finding my voice, those tears and screams when i saw my favorite team, that magical night where the songs moved me, till tonight still finding me walking by myself... no witnesses, no companions, no tears and no joy. I just walked around the corner, the waiter said good night beautiful, i replied you too. He stumbled, blaming me for losing his focus, i smiled and left. A sudden twinkle of reflection, i am turning into a bird, starting to fly, finding my voice... who knows where i will be but tonight i needed to let my words flow. Who knows, who will make sense out of it, even if anyone will read it but i knew i needed to type... i am writing for myself tonight, some day someone might see it, someone might wana know me, someone might find me lovable, someone might actually love me, make me smile and hopefully before anyone it will be me.

a lonely soul, beautifully flawed wishing to watch over the sight of ocean and brightly lit moon in the night sky, with those arms around me because i know someone is there waiting for me like i am waiting for him... loving the love, ............but tonight its just another night but the silence keeps me awake and tomorrow will be a new day where i will work hard, wish harder and who knows what

sleep tight
KK

Faith results into protection and victories - Nam myoho renge kyo

Here we go again, before I lose everything I want to write this experience, if I do cross over this phase or let’s say when I will… I will share my biggest persecution I have been through till date in 6 years of practice.

2 months ago…

 4^th August, 1:00 AM I finally reached my home back in Barcelona now what… the feeling that was so strong that I just dragged myself to sofa tired yet no close to sleep with my an empty house, my Italian trip felt like a dream with no sense of reality. It felt as if I just woke up from a nice and happy dream and here I am back to my living hell. Physically speaking no one to lean on, a shoulder to cry upon or to share my laughter with. The silence of house made me wonder if I even have any future. Even the thought of reaching the end of PhD was sucking the life out me. Going back to India, with no job or even the idea to live again in India was killing me. Just the mere thought of losing my life, independent career and being interrogated by every person I will meet there, ¨so what now, are you getting married, you know its late you should look for some fucking asshole¨ … well my brain was on fire, rethinking on what I was going through seems so foolish in picture of today. Dammit who knew I have bigger persecutions waiting for me. Anyway my first 4 days were, me living on that sofa, watching TV and going out just to buy some salads to eat. I didn’t even care to eat properly. My depression and a cycle of negative thoughts were killing and the only thing I did was gongyo, I was so sick mentally that I could barely move from that sofa. In the end, I started chanting in heart and contacted a senior leader to chant together. I asked her if I can visit her. Mystically, same day I got another message from a member next to house. And there I was exactly 4 days on that sofa and I was getting ready to visit one member and later meeting another. That night after 2 meetings, I came back to same empty house but no more paranoid. Not only this with in next two days I opened my tiny room for daily daimoku for members from my group. Members came to my house for 10 days in a row and I opened my house twice a day.

During these 10 days, the only time I genuinely cherished my life was during those daimoku and later study sessions. I was supposed to do my thesis corrections based on external reviews and print them and send by 15^th August. Though on 16^th I and my colleague found that one of the external reviewer never received that thesis as well as all the shops to be able to print our thesis were shutdown till 21^st August. I was working day and night by now. With daimoku came protection and I got my final review in another two days. Finally, by the time shops were back in action, I was chanting to print my thesis under my financial limit plus no problems in final print. I continued with my daimoku from protection and somehow just one house before i was supposed to leave my house for printed, my word file crashed. I lost all the style format i had. I felt as if i couldn´t breathe in that moment. I continued chanting in heart and i made manual changed for another hour till i got my PDF version done. Soon, the real proof was in front when I found that the amount I am supposed to pay for thesis printing was exactly what I chanted for and copies very done without any surprise issues. Benefits didn´t end there… I finally sent my thesis and later even more was just around the corner. Meanwhile after 10 days daimoku at my place, another member felt motivated to open her house for 5 days to chant daimoku. Finally, the end of august brought me to realise how my only reason to live my life is my work while my foundation of faith has only made me better at what I do … I took 3 days break to cherish my thesis submission. Oh did I forget to tell you the same day I return from my 3 day break I found some papers were missing and with total protection and daimoku I submitted everything in 2 days though still no news on that. I got back to work wondering what might have happened, who knows what happened

To be continued…

Chanting for protection, unimaginable benefits - Nam myoho renge kyo

I prepared my black coffee and sat in front of my Buddhist altar other day. I was going through the comments of all those who read my last post. I have to say I have accumulated so much fortune knowing how so many of you send me love and wishes even know we haven´t met ever or only a few times. I have to say my last post moved me and my life. It was a beautiful Friday. I went to kaikan, chanted for 2 and half hours and eventually a beautiful evening filled with indian humor thanks to another indian friend and so much laughter. As you can see, I love sarcasm, craziness and laughter… my smile is all I am.

Thinking on my smile, I just recalled my experience from 26^th July onwards. If you recall, I had already bought my tickets to Italy with an impulsive decision without knowing how I will do it without much money or where I will stay and so on. What I didn´t mention is that on 23^rd july, my flatmate left for Italy and told me that she will come to airport to pick me up if she can arrange car or otherwise she explained be a bus route. I had my tickets for Naples, Italy while I had bus tickets for Rome for 3 days. During all this crazily busy days with me doing daimoku without any specific goals. The only thing I chanted for was ¨Protection¨. I still had no money to book for hotels in Rome. Suddenly just 2 days before my trip I found out about a Buddhist member living in Rome. She offered me to sleep at her place. So far, my luggage and my tickets were ready but mentally I had no expectations rather I was hoping that my first 3 day solo trip in Rome and Naples living with flatmate and her parents would be fine. As I didn’t wana be a burden on them.

25^th July: I was running for some basic stuff and doing packing even though I was so lazy to do anything. Suddenly, I realised that I was so tired physically and mentally that even thought of Italy wasn´t helping. As I felt more concerned on how it will go then being excited to travel. I knew it was my depression side that was trying to suck me in my darkness. I knew my budget was only certain XXX euros for 8 days there, and I already found my accommodation and all. Though my itinerary was still not clear as my main goal was to be able to go to kaikan/centre in Italy. By night somehow I tried to finish my packing while drying my wet shoes with a hairdryer :P Desperate measures at desperate times :P Eventually I forced myself to sleep knowing I only have 4 hours. In morning my inner darkness was stronger to not even give me energy to get up. Somehow I made it to airport, chanting till I reached airport, Welcome to fun part, there was such a long queue that I basically found myself standing in line for one hour thinking dammit my Italian trip would never happen. Finally, I begged 100 people ahead of me in the line to let me pass a si had only 10 minutes and I did make it to my plane. At last, reaching airport and seeing my flat mate and her dad so excited for coming to pick me up that it made me relax a little. And a whole new journey of benefits started coming through. I planned my trip in Italy after planning when and which days i will be going to kaikan. I changed my itinerary based on the availability of people with whom I could go to kaikan. Eventually I was in kaikan of Salerno and later in Rome. I even attended the ceremony of people receiving gohonzon and later a small get together at one of the members who received gohonzon.

Did I tell you, in Rome I stayed in the house of member not on a couch or something but she had a whole another apartment with my own privacy, double bedroom and so on. The list good things doesn’t stop there, I even could chant on her butsudan every single morning before leaving for whole day of tourism. On the other hand, staying with my flatmate was like a family holiday, her father will make our morning coffee and breakfast later we will chant for one hour and then go for tourism. I met so many people and members, in fact in Salerno, I could even lead chanting for few minutes later connected with one of the senior Byakuren who was feeling sick so lacked smile on her face but when she saw me. She was like you must be Byakuren as your smile says it all. I love how people recognize me for my smile and laugh. The spirit I carry and being the face of Buddha even in midst of challenges is like my biggest benefit of this practice. While the day of return was coming, I realized that these 8 days in Italy were first time I forgot about my PhD, Family or any responsibilities’ and had a truly kosen rufu holiday with so much happiness, benefits and eventually growing and doing my human revolution by putting practice as first even during vacation.

Oops, on the first day itself I received a mail regarding my work that one of my external reviewer had already read my thesis and send me a report. It was like a moment where I was relaxed as one thing was less to worry.  

In the end, last but not the least the best benefit that happened and that I didn´t even realised or think upon during those days was my financial karma. Like I said I had on xxx euros and now don´t be shocked my whole travel was basically covered in exactly those xxx euros. With no expenses of hotels or without counting money while I had to eat outside while tourism. In the end, my departure was filled with happy tears, my Italian mother who has always reminded me of my maternal grandmother had tears in her eyes and I knew, I have so many bonds in life to eb grateful for as well as my bond with my flatmate got profound.

Don´t worry I am not finished as benefits continued and for now we have reached 3^rd august and I will be back soon.

To be continued…

Protection prayer opened gates of benefits - Nam myoho renge kyo

A 3 month journey which was kept sealed between my lips for so many reasons but here i am ready to take my leap of faith.

With the sound of heavy rains, and my brain evaluating the words of a WD who contacted me two days back, asking if I am okay as I didn´t write any blog in past 3 months. It made me wonder if there is any way I can write upon past months.

It all started with that day where I got to know that I need to submit my thesis in 45 days, normally people write in 6 months or 1 year. Well I was in such a shock that I didn’t even know how to react and I kept laughing. Somehow I was still okay well there is no choice so let’s do it. Chant and work was my only principle. What I didn’t know was it was time to go through not only challenges of career but financial, living situation, health and relationships.

Following 45  days, i did nothing but work like a machine while living situation was so dark that I was at a point of moving or finding a place to sleep peacefully for one night. The only person with whom I used to talk about my life was gone. But despite all that I was like I will reach the end and all the movements and struggles are happening for one or the other reason. Daimoku gave me strength to say yeah I will do it. Finally, with continuous daimoku, home visits and every Friday evening in kaikan with daimoku and study I continued going further. After 3 weeks, something happened, I created many new causes for my living situation but the place I went to see left me feeling so vulnerable that I was shattered into pieces. I was left so vulnerable that I couldn’t stop my tears and my real proof was that still I didn’t have any doubts. I had a lot of decisions to make so I was lost and exhausted but finally I did everything and every single decision has turned into a clear proof. Suddenly, I got a huge protection as well in terms of my kosen rufu home that after 12 hours of writing and typing, going back to home cooked meals thanks to my Italian family. Not only this, with a spur of the moment I got a financially good offer to travel to Italy after my submission of thesis. I got my tickets not knowing what will happen (can´t share details due to privacy of other person). I was taking action and I was just going forward with no expectations. Challenges continued, my health was destroyed and an event with some harsh words left me feeling useless, demotivated for a whole weekend just 5 days before submission.
I continued with my daimoku, kaikan or meeting members, I only remembered one guidance I had months ago ¨you will see¨. I have been living in a dark tunnel, every day new mails with new issues and till date things are not sorted. Despite all that, I said something to my boss expressing how I felt and she gave me moral support. I fought on and on the evening before submission (Thursday) my bosses called me for a sudden meeting. Surprisingly, they asked me to postpone my submission to Monday. This way I got a whole weekend even though thesis was already written and read my own work and finally the work my submitted under the impossible deadline. Challenges from work didn´t stop, many administrative challenges came further on delaying the official process. I have to say later that week I had a most beautiful conversation with my mother which was a real proof of how my practice has helped me transform my bond with her. The conversation was two way, she listened to me and I shared how much I have been fighting in my life. She listened and said I know not everyone can do this. That evening I chanted with nothing but gratitude, I could have never imagined that it was possible to talk to my mom like that. During all these 45 days, not for a single day I missed my gongyo or daimoku.

25^th july, Victories so far… thesis sent for external reviewers, living situation back to my safe place, family stood by my side, the one person I needed was there again to support me. Above all, I didn’t give up.

I have to agree, my biggest strength in that time was i was there for ywds or my group. My human revolution was my happiness and sadness were mine, but when i step out of my room, i lived like a bodhisattva of the earth, I continued sharing practice with people and i was verbal of the fact that thanks to practice i am doing okay except i am just tired. 

To be continued…

Victories pouring through my attitude towards my Buddhist altar

Importance of Buddhist Altar

Talking about faith with others

In the midst of my challenges over years, i have been told that i should share this practice with others. I have heard these words again and again while i struggled to reach my goals of bringing friends to meetings. It is not easy despite of me talking about practice with people every day. I have always been open about my practice as i have seen my own life transformed over years. I have even talked about practice in visa office or post office or during my trips in public transport. 

I always told myself that most important is, i put seeds of this practice in others life till they encounter it again and practice. Though deep down i always craved to do more than putting seeds. Till...

January 2017 brought new challenges and it involved people asking me about practice on their own. Despite me being a real proof at my work place and people calling me Buddha or psychologist just for having a voice and actions of Buddha, but they always found excuses to never show up to my invitations for meetings. I started chanting harder that people will come to me on their own and they will be responsive. They all loved listening about philosophy from me and they would ask me more yet they will always tight schedules or so on. Eventually, i successfully turned around situation with my support in darkness moment of someone´s life,  and she came to meeting and even chanted continuously. Eventually with tremendous benefits within a span of 2 weeks she won over her situation and left practice as life was beautiful again. On the other hand, a dear friend of mine was fascinated by my passion and dedication for practice and she showed interest in practice. I decided to join her to a nearest meeting in her city. She truly cherished the experience in fact shared it with her fiancee as well. She continued her practice till date though she hasn´t been able to attend all the meetings but she goes once in a while.

This journey has been a period of self-reflection for myself and an on going process of human revolution. Initially i got pissed off with the fact that the person who had so many benefits that how she can just vanish away from the practice and become unresponsive to my messages for coming to meetings. I clearly took it personally as i realized that i expect people to practice as sincerely as i am doing it. On the other hand, my friend as she has been so consistent with it despite of not being able to meetings, i have been patient with her and i respected her journey to grow in faith at her own pace. But then what was it that i lacked or do more to help my first shakubuku in this case. The more and more i chanted, more i encountered sensei´s guidance on believing in potential of the other. There i was, sat with a moment of shock. I knew i didn´t believe in her potential to become Buddha. Suddenly, it all made sense to me. When we try to introduce people with our faith and to soka gakkai, it is not only about introducing them or knowing that even they can become happy. There is so much more to it, it is about believing in the capability or potential of this person to be Buddha. From that moment on wards, i got more conscious of my thoughts, words and actions towards people. I knew i have to become more patient and let them grow on their own pace. Recently, this person showed up for another meeting even though it was for only last 10 minutes but my sense of joy had no bounds. I was very appreciative that she made an effort and i continue to believe in her till she comes to another meeting. After all, how i am with her and my warmth is a symbol of how soka gakkai is. On the other hand, i continue to work on putting more and more seeds day by day, some times i pass on NMRK cards or some times i just talk about my journey of last 6 years. 

** Shakubuku is not about numbers, it is about how much we put in other life including trust, effort and so much more. 

I chose to invest all i have in the person in front of me and let it be my only mission. 

Happy chanting 

My new recipe to unfold victories even after years of deadlock

Here I am, sitting by my window, my favorite thinking spot and self-reflection time. I tightly hold onto my coffee mug with a sight of perfect sunset. I am all set to get down to reality and open about my biggest challenge. I would like you to make your tea or coffee, find your reading corner and sit down with me for next few minutes. This is going to be a ground breaking experience on my behalf. It has the power to unleash many victories for you as well in coming days. As I am about to give you an answer to why some of us are feeling stuck and others are having crystal clear victories…why?

I have always believed in enjoying the journey of human revolution and the path of unseen virtues leading to visible rewards as explained in Gosho (WND-1, 940). Victories will come and we will cherish them for barely few seconds and another strike of now what will happen. I have tried been an active YWD irrespective of my land of mission, language or cultural differences. I have been a very active byakuren in past 2 years and soon I will be graduating in coming months. From a shy byakuren without knowing Spanish, fear of dealing with technical stuff, today I am come far enough to deal with every challenge I face during activities. I have not only opened the door of Buddhist centre for newbies, visitors and especially contributed as a language translator for new members. Apart for this, late night meetings with fellow members due to our shared struggle on not having any time during day has been a great function throughout. I have seen people grow, won and do their human revolution. What I lacked to see was my own victories in terms of a clear real proof. I have heard endless experiences and people receiving gohonzon with my eyes filled with tears of joy. Yet, one question always haunted me, ¨What is it that I am not doing right? ¨ I went for multiple guidance with pioneers of gakkai here and later even in Germany. I raised same question again and again, ¨Same daimoku, same practice, more efforts yet I haven´t seen a breakthrough, please guide me where am I going wrong? ¨ ¨Why am I unable to change this impossible into possible? ¨ Answer: persevere, don’t be too harsh on yourself, you are putting too much pressure on yourself. I was told the same thing twice from two different leaders in two countries.

I had no clue what they meant by it, though I continued with my efforts without regressing even a bit. The only thing that kept me going was ¨you will see¨, words of a pioneer during one of those guidance. Every time I felt discouraged, I focused on these words.

Enlightenment:

It happened finally after 6 years of practice I was awaken and I found the big answer to my question. I have been begrudging my life without even realizing it. During one of the usual Buddhist discussion dinner, someone was talking about the gosho ¨14 slanders¨. At first I was taken aback as I feel the word ^Slander^ is very strong and personally I don’t like to use it at all. Yet I loved the discussion so took another step towards reading it for myself. As soon as I started reading it, I found a lecture on this particular gosho given in SGI UK. And there I was, awestruck of my own moment of enlightenment. In that moment, I know how I am too harsh on myself, I was begrudging my life. Believe it or not, suddenly every YWD, WD or even YMD anyone who has ever talked to me in their tough time, they all have been committing same error. We all begrudge our life just by comparing our own growth or victories by victories of others.

Let me break it down for us, I haven´t had that much fortune in getting sufficient results or conferences in 3 n half years like other PhD students did. I have been putting myself down because others had more results or oral presentations at international conferences. I forgot to appreciate, I have my mission and each obstacle I face right now or set back is actually my training for my big future. My efforts in gakkai are never going to waste likely said, not a single Nam-myoho-renge-kyo ever goes to waste. Similarly, my efforts will manifest on its own right time. It is exactly like the words told to me by my senior, ¨You will see¨. I never doubted these words.

To my surprise, on immediate understanding of my cause (comparing my life with others, is nothing but me begrudging my life. This is how I have been begrudging my Buddhahood, obviously I was suffering deep down due to later. Fast forward to present, here I am so much at peace with my life, I even got an invitation for an oral presentation last week. Also, suddenly my voice of Buddha and my heart of Buddha has been reaching out to many new people. I have become more empathetic with fellow YWDs and trying to make their victories as my own mission. The anxiety of what will happen might put me down at times though my heart only whispers ¨you will see, Priya¨.

Take home message:

No more comparison with fellow friends, or measuring my worth on a barometer set by society.

Comparison with anyone means we are putting ourselves down.

Comparison means we are begrudging our life.

Appreciation means victories, comparison means low life and delay in our happiness and victories

Buddha only knows appreciation, and advancing in our life.

Happy chanting 

What is faith?

I sat by my window, sipping on my coffee and looking at the world. While my heart and mind were just having an internal clash. I might have done my morning chanting for an hour yet i lacked hope. I could feel how i just wanted to sit by window whole day, doing nothing. My mind wandered from one thought to another till i hung by a question. Do i have faith? If yes then why don´t enjoy chanting or why i am unable to have a break through. Once i started thinking in this loop, there was no stopping. I immediately shake it off and go back to my room and took up gosho with intention to find what is faith? 

There i was jumping from one gosho to another with whole gosho marked with different colored markers. Suddenly, i asked myself; what am i doing? And at the back of mind, i was putting action. 

So there i was, Dammit Priya there is no definition of faith. Then, what is faith and how do i reach my goals...

Faith is action.

Faith is chanting whether i feel good or bad.

Faith is going to meeting even though my mind give 100 excuses for not going.

Faith is when i wake up and my first priority is to pick my coffee mug and sit down for chanting.

Faith is after 16 hour of long day, i reach home feeling dead tired yet i sit down do my evening gongyo before i can drift off to sleep.

Faith is when i choose to practice despite seeing any visible change in my situation.

Faith is not giving up.

Faith is not doubting each day why i am chanting.

Faith is letting it flow and enjoy my journey till i reach my goals.

Faith is reaching my goal but going back home for gratitude daimoku.

Faith is sharing this joy with rest of the world.

Faith is ACTION.

Do you have faith? Yes, you do. Even though you might be stuck and having irregular practice but reaching out to a leader. Even though you haven´t practiced in days, weeks or months but you go back to a leader or fellow member. Even though you return with a dozen of excuses, complaints and what not. But reaching out is a sign of having faith. You have faith and you have the hope, otherwise why would you even care to go back. 

Yes, faith is nothing but putting our practice in action.

Do you have faith?

We have same practice like you do.

We have same gohonzon like you do.

We have same daimoku like you do.

Then when the problem comes;

Why do some of you choose to call and talk?

Why do some of you choose to beg for daimoku?

Why do some of you choose to suffer and make others suffer with you?

A ground breaking point in my practice was when I understood meaning of independent faith and PRACTICE TOGETHER.

We encourage members to meet other members. But we encourage for practicing together not crying together. We don´t say ¨talk¨ rather we say STUDY TOGETHER. 

We encourage you to win together and strive together. We don´t encourage you to call and talk every time a bomb falls on you. 

We encourage you to take guidance and may be take support of members. We don´t encourage you to get clingy or start begging for daimoku.

Now once again i ask you, do you have faith? If you said yes but you are acting otherwise (doing things we don´t encourage), then i would have to ask you again. Do you have faith?

I have faith means; i will go to gohonzon when problem or victory comes. I will put more daimoku rather then begging for daimoku. I might be in tough moment but i will work on pillars of faith, practice and study. If i feel lost, i will seek guidance not to complain practice rather to have a clear direction on how to proceed. 

Yes, you can call each other and may be share your problem. BUT don´t use this person as a way to vent out. Learn to grow in faith, support each other by reading sensei´s guidance or gosho together. Focus on advancing not on talking in circles filled with complains or excuses. 

Now, DO YOU HAVE FAITH? YES. 

What will you do when problem comes? I will chant, study and act. If i feel like giving up, I will reach out for guidance and practice more with fellow members. 

Mind it! Practice together - daimoku, study and soka gakkai activities.

One secret for making impossible to possible

Yesterday was a groundbreaking day for self reflection, shaking my resurfaced karma with Gakkai members and so much more.

I have been putting a huge amount of effort in taking care of my place where i put my Butdusan and things like printing NMRK cards, ordering extra liturgy books to give away to new members and so on.

Without losing any time, here goes my ground breaking realization:

If we go full force for working for the law of cause and effect then life will naturally start falling in place. Challenges will come and we will overcome then too. So the only truth is,

¨Our tendency is to live life and practice to make life work BUT the secret is, Live the practice
and rest all will workout. ¨

Last weeks, my only priority was to attend every meeting i had every single day whether daimoku at 9:30 pm or reaching center for byakuren or supporting a fellow member with one message or phone call. Result, i was more productive at work and things started shaping up on their own. Yes i worked, i put my actions yet it worked out as my priority is my practice.

By default, we put our practice either as a last priority saying if i have time i will chant or go for a meeting. We put everything first and buddhism last. But that´s the reason we have doubts or we fall often. Buddhism is a 24 x 7 practice, if we live it as our only priority then rest of the priorities like life, health, fiance or career will naturally fall in place.

Give it a try and experience what you haven´t experienced yet.

Happy chanting

The journey of Human Revolution

Day after day, something moves in me. Day after day, something stirs me up. Day after day, I keep falling and rising again. And day after day, I keep chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and practicing harder.

I faced many challenges and I overcame some while others I know those victories are in process. Sometimes we don´t see any real proof but is it really true? I worked hard to challenge my work karma but still I feel as if I have not moved even an inch closer to them, forget about making that impossible into possible. Not only this, two months back a lot of things have changed. My personal life in Spain has always circled around Gakkai people. And when those relationships took a down fall, my life took it too. This strong shift not only left me feeling lonely but at first I lost my capability to trust gakkai members again.

Interestingly, with my continuous practice, I came to a realization that it is not first time when something like this happened. 3 years ago, my life was soaked with people at my work place. I lived with them, cooked with them and I got confused between work relationships as friendship. So, once again I felt like my karma from past was resurfacing but this time in Gakai. My immediate instinct was I need to learn something from this or this negative cycle won´t leave me in peace.

Therefore in past few weeks, I spent fighting my inner devils and kept facing the decline, disgrace, censure, or suffering (the four adverse winds) (Ref, Gosho: The Eight Winds, vol 1.). It started with my gakkai or personal life in Spain which later own extended of becoming visible from invisible at work. I have always kept my head down and mouth shut at work. But this year it was different, I started a journey of building a better me. In result, things like how I carried myself, how I voiced my opinions or ideas or asking questions in group meetings brought me in lime light. Suddenly, people knew I exist and at times I got some looks as well. At first, as I was in my own emotional turmoil and facing wind of huge human revolution, I got affected with movements at work as well. Then, my experiments at work failed all over again and I lost hope of ever changing my situation. Until, I pushed harder in gakkai and rise above it.

Actions: I have been working 11-16 hours per day depending on the work situation, later even if I reach home at 9:30 pm I had one activity per day for last 2 weeks. While this week was a bit slower yet it is invested in gakkai as I got some intense guidance last Sunday and all my force is to put that guidance into action.

Observation:

1. I have learnt the importance of never mixing work with personal life and similarly in gakkai. I meet or talk to members as fellow members, support them or they support me but only in terms of faith.

2. After 3 year and half, I have cordial relationships at work and I focus on work by working one day at a time. Honestly, my work is moving forward though soon I will be challenging impossible into possible every day in coming weeks.

3. With Gakkai, I am more and more grounded with my goals to work in rhythm with this law. Result, I shared this philosophy with 5 people at work and 2 are already practicing. While one is in my group and other is out of Barcelona, thanks to her I went to her group and got connected with more members

4. Talk about family, my mother who was once against my practice these days she is sharing with me words of Daisaku ikeda gakkai books. My father goes to meetings and my sister is already a practitioner is walking her own path.

Conclusion

Yes, there is no denying to the fact that we all want to overcome challenges and share our victory. But, just reaching one goal doesn´t liberate us from our fight or suffering. As soon as we overcome one problem, another is already waiting for us. Yes, it is easy to smile on the day you reached your goal or win over your problems, but Buddhism is a practice of every day. We need to win each day no matter where we are. We shouldn’t forget, Buddhism teaches about, ¨how we live our life¨. Each day I take a step forward, some days feel like as if I am walking backward. Some days are just hard and life doesn´t make sense. But Life is not about making sense, life is about living it and growing through the process. While life was falling apart, my faith got stronger so does my goals for Gakkai. I know I can´t see my goals in sight but something has changed that I am able to share this practice with people at my work place which never seemed possible. People talk to me, as I listen and talk to them with Ikeda´s spirirt , heart to heart dialogue. I feel the strong wind of obstacles which is a sign that I am not only growing more and more but also I am moving forward.

Take a minute today and be grateful to the winds you are facing, observe how our way of talking or listening and supporting others have changed over years or months. From a girl who couldn´t even speak Spanish forget about reading Gakkai magazines in Spanish today I not only read, but I feel those words and I share it with people. I know I am changing for better and believe so are you. We are victorious already as we fight each day and wake up with new spirit.

Happy chanting

Honesty leads to breakthroughs

How often are we told that never pretend in front of  the Gohonzon? How often we are told, Buddhism is logic? Does this logic is simple mathematics of cause and effect or there is more to it?

In daily life, we struggle through emotions of daily life, some situations or people have overwhelming effect on us. Personally, I am a very sensitive person even a slight incident or just one word from my boss, or colleague or a friend can leave me in despair. I overthink, i criticize myself and i keep putting myself down. But how can i apply buddhism in such daily situations?

Last few weeks, i struggled with a particular case of always ending up in conversation where other person raises their voice and get defensive while criticizing me. Result, i don´t even get to express myself. It left me feeling more vulnerable and eventually i would get distant.  At first, i thought my negative karma from past is resurfacing and it really hit me. But i have been doing regular and rather intense practice past week but something wasn´t making sense. Do you ever found yourself, chanting and doing activities yet feeling low and blocked? It feels like you lost your mojo, there is no flow at work despite of you doing things and taking steps to grow.

Answer is nothing but lack of honesty. Honesty here refers to, how consistent are we, did we do our daimoku or meetings out of habit, are we just continuing our life & practice without really acting accordingly. For example, I know my USA vacation was with a dip in my practice, that behavior of negligence in starting days there, is now catching up on me. Even a slight laziness or lack of consistent practice will catch up on us by devils seeping in through little holes we leave behind. I left those holes back in last december, later those wholes only got bigger with a slight miss on daimoku once in a while when i was dead tired due to 15 hours of work or merely lacking spirit of bodhisattva at times. Devils were already in and now they have been just making it harder for me to catch up. All i knew was it is time to push harder, so i did 2 meetings at start of this week and met many members yet personally my daimoku was without the joy i usually feel. I have another meeting tonight and byakuren tomorrow and then 2 meetings over the weekend. Each time i push through, i face another obstacle like yesterday more self- doubt.

This morning, i got up and chanted like most of my mornings for an hour. But one thing was different with my daimoku last days, i was HONEST. I chanted with acceptance and realization that where i lacked. I knew where the dirt was and so i chanted to clean it. Honesty is knowing the dirt is there and acknowledging to it, to be able to clean it. Its like we need to know what is dirty in house and where to be able to clean it. With this form of daimoku, I finally enjoyed my solo daimoku, vibration in my voice, it just sounded like i don´t want to stop. Well i had to but it gave me some wisdom i was seeking.  I knew i had to talk to a friend about it who i always found a good source of brainstorming for me. Talking to her makes me filter my own thoughts in Buddhist way and find my own answers. Eventually i realised, devils may have seeped in but i am fighting them head on. My progress might seem like walking backwards but truth is i am pushing forward and i am out of my comfort zone. Suddenly, from me being invisible, i am visible and it´s not easy for me after all my mind is protecting me by telling me its your your safe or comfort zone.

Birthday Blues

So yesterday was my birthday (no need to wish, i hate formalities ;)) 

The word ¨Birthday¨ itself comes with a lot of expectations like family celebrations or spending time with someone special and everyone giving you special treatment, more love and more care. The ideal picture shows lots of happiness, love and fun. 

While over the years for me it only got worse, I get birthday blues and knowing once again some big tragedy would be happening and there will be nothing like happiness forget about celebration. Year by year those expectations were thrown into garbage, till I was the one not even remembering my own birthday. As I moved away which was not very much different due to my pretty lonely life, those fake smiles turned into fake smileys with one line wishes, ¨Happy birthday, party hard or have a blast¨. The more I hated these phrases more I took a back seat in wishing people with similar fake shit.

I don´t think i know anyone who hates their birthday but I do. It is the most haunting day in my life while 100 people ask me same question ¨what are my plans? ¨, i am holding my sadness, anger and so much inside and trying to be polite by saying nothing special. It doesn´t stop there they try to barge in with free advice and comments like why not, it is your day, you should party and have fun, why are you sad on such a beautiful day and so on. I am not sorry to say that yes I am sad and I don´t think I owe you any answer for that. Do people even realize that it has been a whole year and we haven´t talked and today you give me wishes on the name of bloody formality. What makes you think I care anymore?   Every year same story and with each birthday it felt worse, not because I don’t like getting old which I surprisingly love but it was just hard answering those stupid questions. But yesterday was a little different.

I woke up with my phone filled with some honest while rest of the fake shit. Deeply, I would wish for this day to never exist or I just don´t want to be depressed again. I kept pushing myself in my head it is just a normal day. Soon early morning phone call from mom gave me my first wishes while some people wish me like they are even ashamed of telling me happy birthday. I started my day like every day, did my chanting where I cried and let go of the pain and soon I got ready while left my phone on charging. I went on with my morning chores and left for my bus and suddenly my phone beeps and I was reminded again that it was the big day. I realized how easy it is that I no more remember it, how peaceful life is without those expectations from the childhood stories. I started my day at work, some wished and some neglected but I was okay. It had no more effect on as I knew soon it will be over. I ended my day on planning for the week ahead, meal prepping and finally another Buddhism meeting at my home. Everyone acted normal as no one knew it was the D-Day. I slipped into bed, read for some time and I was in my awe that how it was like just another day with no drama, no expectation. I guess it´s good to have a past where expectations were never met. As yesterday, I was okay just being me and living my normal life with no one special or anything special about me or the day. I was genuinely at peace as I know who I am and I am perfectly fine with it and I have no desire to hold onto the vision of life which rest of the world is holding.