How often are we told that never pretend in front of the Gohonzon? How often we are told, Buddhism is logic? Does this logic is simple mathematics of cause and effect or there is more to it?
In daily life, we struggle through emotions of daily life, some situations or people have overwhelming effect on us. Personally, I am a very sensitive person even a slight incident or just one word from my boss, or colleague or a friend can leave me in despair. I overthink, i criticize myself and i keep putting myself down. But how can i apply buddhism in such daily situations?
Last few weeks, i struggled with a particular case of always ending up in conversation where other person raises their voice and get defensive while criticizing me. Result, i don´t even get to express myself. It left me feeling more vulnerable and eventually i would get distant. At first, i thought my negative karma from past is resurfacing and it really hit me. But i have been doing regular and rather intense practice past week but something wasn´t making sense. Do you ever found yourself, chanting and doing activities yet feeling low and blocked? It feels like you lost your mojo, there is no flow at work despite of you doing things and taking steps to grow.
Answer is nothing but lack of honesty. Honesty here refers to, how consistent are we, did we do our daimoku or meetings out of habit, are we just continuing our life & practice without really acting accordingly. For example, I know my USA vacation was with a dip in my practice, that behavior of negligence in starting days there, is now catching up on me. Even a slight laziness or lack of consistent practice will catch up on us by devils seeping in through little holes we leave behind. I left those holes back in last december, later those wholes only got bigger with a slight miss on daimoku once in a while when i was dead tired due to 15 hours of work or merely lacking spirit of bodhisattva at times. Devils were already in and now they have been just making it harder for me to catch up. All i knew was it is time to push harder, so i did 2 meetings at start of this week and met many members yet personally my daimoku was without the joy i usually feel. I have another meeting tonight and byakuren tomorrow and then 2 meetings over the weekend. Each time i push through, i face another obstacle like yesterday more self- doubt.
This morning, i got up and chanted like most of my mornings for an hour. But one thing was different with my daimoku last days, i was HONEST. I chanted with acceptance and realization that where i lacked. I knew where the dirt was and so i chanted to clean it. Honesty is knowing the dirt is there and acknowledging to it, to be able to clean it. Its like we need to know what is dirty in house and where to be able to clean it. With this form of daimoku, I finally enjoyed my solo daimoku, vibration in my voice, it just sounded like i don´t want to stop. Well i had to but it gave me some wisdom i was seeking. I knew i had to talk to a friend about it who i always found a good source of brainstorming for me. Talking to her makes me filter my own thoughts in Buddhist way and find my own answers. Eventually i realised, devils may have seeped in but i am fighting them head on. My progress might seem like walking backwards but truth is i am pushing forward and i am out of my comfort zone. Suddenly, from me being invisible, i am visible and it´s not easy for me after all my mind is protecting me by telling me its your your safe or comfort zone.
Answer is nothing but lack of honesty. Honesty here refers to, how consistent are we, did we do our daimoku or meetings out of habit, are we just continuing our life & practice without really acting accordingly. For example, I know my USA vacation was with a dip in my practice, that behavior of negligence in starting days there, is now catching up on me. Even a slight laziness or lack of consistent practice will catch up on us by devils seeping in through little holes we leave behind. I left those holes back in last december, later those wholes only got bigger with a slight miss on daimoku once in a while when i was dead tired due to 15 hours of work or merely lacking spirit of bodhisattva at times. Devils were already in and now they have been just making it harder for me to catch up. All i knew was it is time to push harder, so i did 2 meetings at start of this week and met many members yet personally my daimoku was without the joy i usually feel. I have another meeting tonight and byakuren tomorrow and then 2 meetings over the weekend. Each time i push through, i face another obstacle like yesterday more self- doubt.
This morning, i got up and chanted like most of my mornings for an hour. But one thing was different with my daimoku last days, i was HONEST. I chanted with acceptance and realization that where i lacked. I knew where the dirt was and so i chanted to clean it. Honesty is knowing the dirt is there and acknowledging to it, to be able to clean it. Its like we need to know what is dirty in house and where to be able to clean it. With this form of daimoku, I finally enjoyed my solo daimoku, vibration in my voice, it just sounded like i don´t want to stop. Well i had to but it gave me some wisdom i was seeking. I knew i had to talk to a friend about it who i always found a good source of brainstorming for me. Talking to her makes me filter my own thoughts in Buddhist way and find my own answers. Eventually i realised, devils may have seeped in but i am fighting them head on. My progress might seem like walking backwards but truth is i am pushing forward and i am out of my comfort zone. Suddenly, from me being invisible, i am visible and it´s not easy for me after all my mind is protecting me by telling me its your your safe or comfort zone.
No comments:
Post a Comment