As I sit here looking outside the window of my
office, cloudy day as if universe is trying to cheer me up while my heart
breaks into zillion pieces. How fascinating it is, one heart which basically exists
only to pump blood yet every time something happens in our life, we blame our
heart. It crushes so hard and it seems impossible to breathe.
Let me tell you why on such a low day, I have
decided to write my experience. Because it was me who told every single member I
have ever supported in faith, to write your experience when you have nothing to
feel gratitude for. Today, I miss being alive, miss my smile and all I wana do is run and run harder till my legs
give up and my heart screams stop and then open my butsudan and chant to
embrace it all. When you live 6 years out of your own country and your home,
you know people might remember you but everyone has learnt how to live without
you. In the end, I have only one home and that is my butsudan.
Rewinding back to 1st September
seems stupid and useless in fact it seems as if it never existed. Anyhow, sit
back and join me on this crazy journey I have been through.
It was a hard month especially with my load of
financial karma. I went back to work, with running thoughts on how to manage
finances while I was in middle of printing 12 thesis, defence registration and
1 week in conference in another country where I was supposed to pay everything
on my own while reimbursement will happen at end of month. When I calculated
all those expenditures, I knew I had no money for rent or food this month. I
sat in front on my gohonzon thinking well my September karma is back, so what´s
your plan this time. I sat for chanting only to seek out for protection. I
needed nothing but protection no matter what might happen in coming days. Salary
came, paid my bills and there I was with no money for conference as my thesis
and defence registration were my bigger priorities. My life state was fine even
though my brain and my financial limits were crushing my daily life. Soon, ways
opened and I got financial support from my boss and my registration was paid directly
from my scholarship. Though I have said it so easily, it is basically
impossible to explain how I felt each day, each minute and my nights spent in
nightmares. I am a proud person in financial matters like my mother. I choose
to die of hunger but never ask for help. I just don’t know how to ask for help.
My biggest human revolution this time was to speak up and trust other person to
help me out. Even though I was worried that I will be degraded by this person
though gohonzon made sure nothing like that happened. Above all, this September
I actually made best of my bank balance. I changed my own negative karma into
positive when I learnt how to manage expenses and still manage to save even if
that meant just few bucks. Some unimaginable things happened, from
transformation of relationship karma at work and for the first time I even got
an opportunity to prepare study for my byakuren meeting and I did tough every
single person´s heart.
While all that was happening, I didn’t know my
PhD was soon gonna be in danger. Just How can I forget that Monda, a holiday. I
didn´t wana do anything, I was slave of my female hormones and I was gonna sit
on sofa whole day or even eat whole bucket of ice cream. Till my mobile made
that beep sound and the title of the email ¨Problem with defence¨. That was it,
I read it and I sat there in shock. My fight of past 4 years started flashing
in front of my eyes as if I fought all this time for not even getting one
single PhD title forget the double title. My biggest benefit in middle of all
that was, I finally made a call, a call to my family which I have never done
especially in tough times. At last, for first time in 28 years only people I thought
of was my family, I told them how I felt, how broken I was… I had just my
family who could feel my pain and even hear it through my tears. In that moment
I knew, I had no one but my family, who can pick me up. Friends and love nothing
was real in the toughest moment but it was my family.
Another benefit was, I went to work Tuesday knowing
what has happened, knowing no one could do anything but I didn’t spit not a
single word of complaint. I made a wise decision and then another stupid
decision but that’s fine with me. I realized I am just girl, fighting with all
her might to save her career as her career is all she had to survive in the
harsh realities of the word. I kept running from one office to another to find
any way to renew visa while I was denied rights to even receive government
support for my period of unemployment.
You know what my victory was, that Wednesday I cried
and then stopped my tears and told myself ¨I have byakuren duty today and this
is not how a Buddha´s face look¨ and went to kaikan and opened door for members
with a big smile as if I was the happiest person on the earth. I chanted with
only one thought, I will overcome all this with pure protection as these
obstacles can´t stop me from my mission to spread law. I don´t know if I can yet
that I have won but yeah with that one prayer things moved, there is still
nothing sure what might happen to my PhD or visa or unemployment but I just
know I have gohonzon and I am going to hang on till I have to.
¨That Monday mail, made me realize how I have
reached that 12th day from kamakura to kyoto, how it is darkest before dawn and
how I must be doing something so right that I am facing such challenges and how
much I have grown.¨ It has been hard, my fight with my depression and anxiety
is going on daily basis but real proof is I am still hanging on. With the
cherry on the top, my relationship karma is back and I know it´s not very
optimistic view but for now I wanna sit up there in mountains, watching the sky,
stars and may even let myself feel broken for a bit but I know my biggest
victory is around the corner. Soon this whole 4 year mission will make sense to
me… to be continued
P.S just hang on, if you need someone to listen
to you, I am here, I will make sure you can go to sleep or give you a reason to
wake up
No comments:
Post a Comment