Here we go again, before I lose everything I want
to write this experience, if I do cross over this phase or let’s say when I will…
I will share my biggest persecution I have been through till date in 6 years of
practice.
2 months ago…
4th
August, 1:00 AM I finally reached my home back in Barcelona now what… the
feeling that was so strong that I just dragged myself to sofa tired yet no
close to sleep with my an empty house, my Italian trip felt like a dream with
no sense of reality. It felt as if I just woke up from a nice and happy dream
and here I am back to my living hell. Physically speaking no one to lean on, a
shoulder to cry upon or to share my laughter with. The silence of house made me
wonder if I even have any future. Even the thought of reaching the end of PhD
was sucking the life out me. Going back to India, with no job or even the idea
to live again in India was killing me. Just the mere thought of losing my life,
independent career and being interrogated by every person I will meet there, ¨so
what now, are you getting married, you know its late you should look for some
fucking asshole¨ … well my brain was on fire, rethinking on what I was going
through seems so foolish in picture of today. Dammit who knew I have bigger
persecutions waiting for me. Anyway my first 4 days were, me living on that
sofa, watching TV and going out just to buy some salads to eat. I didn’t even
care to eat properly. My depression and a cycle of negative thoughts were
killing and the only thing I did was gongyo, I was so sick mentally that I could
barely move from that sofa. In the end, I started chanting in heart and
contacted a senior leader to chant together. I asked her if I can visit her.
Mystically, same day I got another message from a member next to house. And
there I was exactly 4 days on that sofa and I was getting ready to visit one
member and later meeting another. That night after 2 meetings, I came back to
same empty house but no more paranoid. Not only this with in next two days I opened
my tiny room for daily daimoku for members from my group. Members came to my
house for 10 days in a row and I opened my house twice a day.
During these 10 days, the only time I genuinely
cherished my life was during those daimoku and later study sessions. I was
supposed to do my thesis corrections based on external reviews and print them
and send by 15th August. Though on 16th I and my
colleague found that one of the external reviewer never received that thesis as
well as all the shops to be able to print our thesis were shutdown till 21st
August. I was working day and night by now. With daimoku came protection and I got
my final review in another two days. Finally, by the time shops were back in
action, I was chanting to print my thesis under my financial limit plus no problems in final print. I continued
with my daimoku from protection and somehow just one house before i was supposed to leave my house for printed, my word file crashed. I lost all the style format i had. I felt as if i couldn´t breathe in that moment. I continued chanting in heart and i made manual changed for another hour till i got my PDF version done. Soon, the real proof was in front when I found
that the amount I am supposed to pay for thesis printing was exactly what I chanted
for and copies very done without any surprise issues. Benefits didn´t end there… I finally sent my thesis and later even more
was just around the corner. Meanwhile after 10 days daimoku at my place,
another member felt motivated to open her house for 5 days to chant daimoku.
Finally, the end of august brought me to realise how my only reason to live my
life is my work while my foundation of faith has only made me better at what I do
… I took 3 days break to cherish my thesis submission. Oh did I forget to tell
you the same day I return from my 3 day break I found some papers were missing
and with total protection and daimoku I submitted everything in 2 days though
still no news on that. I got back to work wondering what might have happened,
who knows what happened
To be continued…
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