Birthday Blues

So yesterday was my birthday (no need to wish, i hate formalities ;)) 

The word ¨Birthday¨ itself comes with a lot of expectations like family celebrations or spending time with someone special and everyone giving you special treatment, more love and more care. The ideal picture shows lots of happiness, love and fun. 

While over the years for me it only got worse, I get birthday blues and knowing once again some big tragedy would be happening and there will be nothing like happiness forget about celebration. Year by year those expectations were thrown into garbage, till I was the one not even remembering my own birthday. As I moved away which was not very much different due to my pretty lonely life, those fake smiles turned into fake smileys with one line wishes, ¨Happy birthday, party hard or have a blast¨. The more I hated these phrases more I took a back seat in wishing people with similar fake shit.

I don´t think i know anyone who hates their birthday but I do. It is the most haunting day in my life while 100 people ask me same question ¨what are my plans? ¨, i am holding my sadness, anger and so much inside and trying to be polite by saying nothing special. It doesn´t stop there they try to barge in with free advice and comments like why not, it is your day, you should party and have fun, why are you sad on such a beautiful day and so on. I am not sorry to say that yes I am sad and I don´t think I owe you any answer for that. Do people even realize that it has been a whole year and we haven´t talked and today you give me wishes on the name of bloody formality. What makes you think I care anymore?   Every year same story and with each birthday it felt worse, not because I don’t like getting old which I surprisingly love but it was just hard answering those stupid questions. But yesterday was a little different.

I woke up with my phone filled with some honest while rest of the fake shit. Deeply, I would wish for this day to never exist or I just don´t want to be depressed again. I kept pushing myself in my head it is just a normal day. Soon early morning phone call from mom gave me my first wishes while some people wish me like they are even ashamed of telling me happy birthday. I started my day like every day, did my chanting where I cried and let go of the pain and soon I got ready while left my phone on charging. I went on with my morning chores and left for my bus and suddenly my phone beeps and I was reminded again that it was the big day. I realized how easy it is that I no more remember it, how peaceful life is without those expectations from the childhood stories. I started my day at work, some wished and some neglected but I was okay. It had no more effect on as I knew soon it will be over. I ended my day on planning for the week ahead, meal prepping and finally another Buddhism meeting at my home. Everyone acted normal as no one knew it was the D-Day. I slipped into bed, read for some time and I was in my awe that how it was like just another day with no drama, no expectation. I guess it´s good to have a past where expectations were never met. As yesterday, I was okay just being me and living my normal life with no one special or anything special about me or the day. I was genuinely at peace as I know who I am and I am perfectly fine with it and I have no desire to hold onto the vision of life which rest of the world is holding.