Honesty leads to breakthroughs

How often are we told that never pretend in front of  the Gohonzon? How often we are told, Buddhism is logic? Does this logic is simple mathematics of cause and effect or there is more to it?

In daily life, we struggle through emotions of daily life, some situations or people have overwhelming effect on us. Personally, I am a very sensitive person even a slight incident or just one word from my boss, or colleague or a friend can leave me in despair. I overthink, i criticize myself and i keep putting myself down. But how can i apply buddhism in such daily situations?

Last few weeks, i struggled with a particular case of always ending up in conversation where other person raises their voice and get defensive while criticizing me. Result, i don´t even get to express myself. It left me feeling more vulnerable and eventually i would get distant.  At first, i thought my negative karma from past is resurfacing and it really hit me. But i have been doing regular and rather intense practice past week but something wasn´t making sense. Do you ever found yourself, chanting and doing activities yet feeling low and blocked? It feels like you lost your mojo, there is no flow at work despite of you doing things and taking steps to grow.

Answer is nothing but lack of honesty. Honesty here refers to, how consistent are we, did we do our daimoku or meetings out of habit, are we just continuing our life & practice without really acting accordingly. For example, I know my USA vacation was with a dip in my practice, that behavior of negligence in starting days there, is now catching up on me. Even a slight laziness or lack of consistent practice will catch up on us by devils seeping in through little holes we leave behind. I left those holes back in last december, later those wholes only got bigger with a slight miss on daimoku once in a while when i was dead tired due to 15 hours of work or merely lacking spirit of bodhisattva at times. Devils were already in and now they have been just making it harder for me to catch up. All i knew was it is time to push harder, so i did 2 meetings at start of this week and met many members yet personally my daimoku was without the joy i usually feel. I have another meeting tonight and byakuren tomorrow and then 2 meetings over the weekend. Each time i push through, i face another obstacle like yesterday more self- doubt.

This morning, i got up and chanted like most of my mornings for an hour. But one thing was different with my daimoku last days, i was HONEST. I chanted with acceptance and realization that where i lacked. I knew where the dirt was and so i chanted to clean it. Honesty is knowing the dirt is there and acknowledging to it, to be able to clean it. Its like we need to know what is dirty in house and where to be able to clean it. With this form of daimoku, I finally enjoyed my solo daimoku, vibration in my voice, it just sounded like i don´t want to stop. Well i had to but it gave me some wisdom i was seeking.  I knew i had to talk to a friend about it who i always found a good source of brainstorming for me. Talking to her makes me filter my own thoughts in Buddhist way and find my own answers. Eventually i realised, devils may have seeped in but i am fighting them head on. My progress might seem like walking backwards but truth is i am pushing forward and i am out of my comfort zone. Suddenly, from me being invisible, i am visible and it´s not easy for me after all my mind is protecting me by telling me its your your safe or comfort zone.

Birthday Blues

So yesterday was my birthday (no need to wish, i hate formalities ;)) 

The word ¨Birthday¨ itself comes with a lot of expectations like family celebrations or spending time with someone special and everyone giving you special treatment, more love and more care. The ideal picture shows lots of happiness, love and fun. 

While over the years for me it only got worse, I get birthday blues and knowing once again some big tragedy would be happening and there will be nothing like happiness forget about celebration. Year by year those expectations were thrown into garbage, till I was the one not even remembering my own birthday. As I moved away which was not very much different due to my pretty lonely life, those fake smiles turned into fake smileys with one line wishes, ¨Happy birthday, party hard or have a blast¨. The more I hated these phrases more I took a back seat in wishing people with similar fake shit.

I don´t think i know anyone who hates their birthday but I do. It is the most haunting day in my life while 100 people ask me same question ¨what are my plans? ¨, i am holding my sadness, anger and so much inside and trying to be polite by saying nothing special. It doesn´t stop there they try to barge in with free advice and comments like why not, it is your day, you should party and have fun, why are you sad on such a beautiful day and so on. I am not sorry to say that yes I am sad and I don´t think I owe you any answer for that. Do people even realize that it has been a whole year and we haven´t talked and today you give me wishes on the name of bloody formality. What makes you think I care anymore?   Every year same story and with each birthday it felt worse, not because I don’t like getting old which I surprisingly love but it was just hard answering those stupid questions. But yesterday was a little different.

I woke up with my phone filled with some honest while rest of the fake shit. Deeply, I would wish for this day to never exist or I just don´t want to be depressed again. I kept pushing myself in my head it is just a normal day. Soon early morning phone call from mom gave me my first wishes while some people wish me like they are even ashamed of telling me happy birthday. I started my day like every day, did my chanting where I cried and let go of the pain and soon I got ready while left my phone on charging. I went on with my morning chores and left for my bus and suddenly my phone beeps and I was reminded again that it was the big day. I realized how easy it is that I no more remember it, how peaceful life is without those expectations from the childhood stories. I started my day at work, some wished and some neglected but I was okay. It had no more effect on as I knew soon it will be over. I ended my day on planning for the week ahead, meal prepping and finally another Buddhism meeting at my home. Everyone acted normal as no one knew it was the D-Day. I slipped into bed, read for some time and I was in my awe that how it was like just another day with no drama, no expectation. I guess it´s good to have a past where expectations were never met. As yesterday, I was okay just being me and living my normal life with no one special or anything special about me or the day. I was genuinely at peace as I know who I am and I am perfectly fine with it and I have no desire to hold onto the vision of life which rest of the world is holding. 

My environment is the key to my human revolution

Buddhism is logic, buddhism is reason and buddhism is me becoming my best by accepting where I am. 

Last month, a series of things happened while some incidents were like an eye opener of how far I have come, some moved the earth under my feet and some reflected how I am lacking the courage to act or I am trying to settle for less. I know I am not home yet, this country, this city or this place is not my calling as I still yearn for the smile and gratitude I witnessed in my past. Today, I sit here thinking on that beautiful journey realizing how that memory is still alive and how I am alive when I try to remember those days. Just 3 months in whole 28 years of life are nothing barely a drop in ocean, though for me they were only days when I truly lived my life to my best. The ear to ear smile, shining eyes and peace at heart despite working hard and fighting hard each day, now that is happiness. So, finally my answer of the question, ¨What is happiness for me¨ is clear. Now, my goal is clear and I know what I am heading for but what about where I am or wherever we all are right now. Don´t you wish to be happy wherever you are despite of knowing that it is not your dream house, job with a nice boss which rarely happens or big fat check or that perfect life partner or how about being single or separated.

None of us like to sit back and watch rest of the world reach their career or personal goals while we are without a ray of hope. So, here is what happened:

1.  Over the period of almost 3 months, I have been able to maintain a smooth relationship with my seniors at work especially the person with whom I always ended up getting hurt. I can see my constant battle of 3 years of bitter conversations or experiences while I kept challenging to do my human revolution with nothing to expect in return and not having hard feelings for her are finally showing its proof. At last it´s not all gold but I can see a clear shift while I reach out for help to her and she understood me and helped me for 2 hours continuously and recognized my hard work as well as motivated me to continue doing this.

2.      In last posts, I mentioned how I lost two of my very close and important people in 2016 on a rough note. Interestingly, I never chanted on it except doing my human revolution for accepting what happened without holding any grudges. In January, both of these people came back to my life, while they wanted to discuss what all went wrong but I was like wow, I don’t even remember all those details rather I have nothing to say. I am just happy that we are back in touch and that’s what matters. My negative tendency to hold on to pain was suddenly all gone, I held on to happy memories I shared with them while rest all the bitterness was gone like it was never there.

3.     I have accomplished one goal after another at work, I am working harder and I am reaching my targets by taking one step at a time. Some days I fall behind but my energy is more focused on doing at least one thing productive per day and it is amazingly helping me deal with severe anxiety attacks or over thinking in negative cycles.

Likely said, it is my environment that is a key to my human revolution, all wrong days were the reason I pushed harder, the bitter experiences or people around me taught me where I need to change my karma, how I need to deal better or do better. It is pain that teaches us compassion. It is reality that teaches us difference between happiness and sadness. Nothing else but it is faith that has given me power to take my life and its own problems in my own hands and deal with them and overcome them. Without putting daimoku and gongyo as first and last thing in my daily routine, I wouldn´t have come this far. Without gosho, I wouldn’t have learnt how not to be swayed my eight winds of life. Without activities like byakuren or meetings, I wouldn´t have been grounded with victories in air.

In midst of challenges I overcame, I have come to realize my kosen rufu house or relationship or job are still far away only if I think kosen rufu is happiness or perfection. But kosen rufu for me is growth and my present house, job and relationship all are mess and painful but with each day I take one step ahead as my mission is right here and my joy speaks on its own when I fight with chin up and report my human revolution to fellow members. My happiness might seem far but each day I learn a bit more about me and I do a bit more to do more and grow more. Polishing my mirror is my mission, how about you?

A food for thought

KPK ©

Do you feel practicing more bring more devils? I say RETHINK!!!

Fellow members say, i am practicing hard so problems are coming and i am feeling low, well i would say they are wrong. You know why? When i practice hard it shouldn't be only about doing extra but it should be about enjoy that effort feeling the joy of having this practice, the feeling of pure gratitude. Problem is not when you practice hard, problem is when we leave holes such as lack of gratitude, lack of feeling joy and lack of kosen rufu spirit of being happy and spreading this happiness with others that let the devils seep in. Devils come when we lack in keeping our high life condition, for boddhisattva a problem is an opportunity to grow and prove the power of law. 

When i practice more, i make sure i chant to feel the joy of chanting and doing these activities. Not only this i feel practicing harder is not bringing problems rather it is our determination to grow in our life that we encounter more opportunities to do some more human revolution. Practicing more can only bring you more fortune in your life.

Well, be careful as fortune is not same as being lucky. At some point we all have weighed our life in terms of being lucky or unlucky. I have personally seen myself as the most unlucky person but last night while being on the Byakuren duty i got an answer and wisdom to put all my worried to an end. 

Difference between "Fortune" vs. "Good luck"

Well good luck can be like winning a lottery or so but fortune is something we all can have. Even being unlucky person myself, in past year i have personally acknowledged that i have been very fortunate in my life at different levels from financial to relationship karma or so on despite it was one of hardest year i have survived. 

Ques: How do we accumulate good fortune?

Good fortune comes with profound change in my inner state of life. When i do my human revolution and change my negative tendencies like discipline life and working hard, i immediately feel a difference in my life state and so in my environment. When we chant, we put good causes in our life and when we put that daimoku into action in our life, it turns into fortune. 

Do you realise that all our problems are actually due to lack of action? I know you applied for 100 jobs but maybe you were so soaked in finding job that you forgot that meanwhile you get that job you need to make best of your time. One can do additional courses to improve one's resume or so on. Once can also use this time to do more in gakkai as once you get the job, you won't have liberty to do so much.

Happy chanting

Stay happy amidst of hardships - Kosen rufu Vacation

Last December, i took off for a vacation of 3 weeks spent on another corner of the world. I went to visit someone who has played a huge role in my human revolution for past year and a half. While the world thought, how lucky i am for finally going away for vacations, i knew it was just another chapter of my own human revolution. Like i sensed, it turned out that each day was like a new opportunity to use my negative tendencies and turn all poison into medicine. Easier said than done, i started my trip with a perfect realm of calmness and peace. Starting days went by trying to follow the rhythm of this person´s life while my soul was craving for gakkai activities and my rigorous daimoku and study. Due to winter break, center was closed while i met a dear friend and a fellow member with a senior leader from there. That evening, i knew for me happiness means kosen rufu, it means to spread the law and the teachings.

While it was just one week reaction to lack of activities and my rhythm of practice, in second week i was sinking.  While whole world was taking break from gakkai in name of christmas and new year, i was sinking as my mind went in to a vicious circle of negative thoughts and pressure of my career. Due to sitting alone with my thoughts it was getting worse despite my chanting. (Learning: it is not daimoku itself that helps us with breakthrough, it is a pure consistent rhythm of daimoku and constant actions in faith and life that keeps us going forward)

With my inner wisdom, i chanted to be able to make this poison into medicine and suddenly, my fellow member friend gave me a green light for activities. It was a surge of joy for me that eventually i did 3 home visits, 1 meeting in kaikan and 2 meetings to meet as many members as i could. My inner joy knew no bounds and the journey for those 6 days gave me a huge opportunity to share my experiences and learnings from past years of practice. I was fortunate that i could make a difference, could bring members together, i could revive their spirit above all i could share this practice in shakubuku spirit with 2 new persons while one did chant and met senior leader as well. I can say, i could literally live up to the words of Ikeda sensei as he says, ¨Whenever and wherever we carry out activities, we must never forget to be guided by the shakubuku spirit - the spirit to share Nam-myoho-renge-kyo with others. This is the way of genuine disciples of great teachers of shakubuku.¨ (Ref: The teachings for victory 1., Pg 20., Letter from Sado Lecture 1)

Despite being in similar situation, with work stress and human revolution of being where i was with new people and all, i found my shortcut to happiness through Gakkai. I am at cloud 9 as i say for me Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and responsibilities as a boddhisattva in gakkai and outside are above my happiness and sadness. 

P.S Dedicated to the Gakkai of Bellingham, Washington 

Personal experience on relationship karma

With a perfect timing of a fellow member´s blog on President Ikeda's Guidance on Marriage (Ref: http://eagle-peak.blogspot.com.es/2017/01/president-ikedas-guidance-on-marriage.html) , here i am with a personal experience in complete accord with it.

Guidance:

Experience:

From a history of really hardcore shitty relationships with no respect to respectful on outside and finally, practice has brought me to a level of respectful, compassionate, supportive, someone proud of me and so much more in my fortune for relationship karma. And this whole chain of transformation started with practice and on going with same. I will keep my focus with pointers down below to reflect how this guidance is apt and practical for relationships.

1. ¨together with their sights set on lofty goal and strive for true happiness¨ - for now i am only one practicing in my scenario yet working together as a couple is crucial. Working together like a musical rhythm is rare to me and i rarely see this quality in couples these days expect mature couples. When sensei talks about love or relationships or marriage, his stress is always on being together but not being clingy. He is talking about working together to grow in our own lives while being there for each other and growing together. I witnessed it personally in a day to day life while we were working on our own stuff, sharing nothing in that moment more than sitting in same room. Not having to do things together all the time or the need to talk constantly does reflect a pure understanding and the comfort one has with other person which is surely a sign of healthy relationship. With taking all this into account, i have learnt and witnessed how growing together can define understanding, learning about each other, finding a way to meet other half way at different aspects of life.

2. ¨Patience is necessary for a couple to live together¨ - While new couples are either all blinded in love with unlimited excitement look at the partner with all being perfect and magical, feeling zero gravity, whereas I met him after a long wait of a year and half yet we were no close to honeymoon phase rather i found myself living a life of comfort that comes after years of togetherness. Such calmness, patience in our daily routine with a feeling of coming to one´s home. Some moments were about one person cooking and other watching while we sat to eat in silence, other days listening to music and having conversation. Some days were like a boring married life others filled with my anxiety while he kept patience and help me ease it while it eventually passed. Being together for  24 x 7 will usually be crazy whereas i kept patience when i was filled with frustration or at least tried my best to keep my mouth shut and his patience to deal with me created a perfect balance that made us not only come together as one but grow on daily basis. 

As an individual with a hardcore relationship karma either with love or friend for my whole life, i must share this. If one is in rhythm with mystic law and we trust the lotus sutra strategy more than our own mind strategies to meet our kosen rufu partners, one will only move forward with transforming our karma and building our own ideal relationships with our own ideal partners. Our relationships will have flaws yet the flaws that only add to the beauty like the holes on the moon. You will have rough days or fights but as long as you are willing to share the weight together and wake up another day with determination to work further to lighten that weight, there is no way you won´t be happy. Happy couples are happy as they grow together through all the good and bad, their together doesn't have to be same in words or opinion but just having each other´s back is sometimes is all that is required.

Happy chanting

An ode to 2016

It was a long year even though it killed me nearly twice by making each day like a deathbed still it will always be better than 2017 for now.

I lost my closest friends and i am left with not anger but just missing pieces of who i was. One showed me love and other gave me endless laughter.

I gained people´s trust, many came and many left but i could walk hand in hand with so many people that even today they thank me. Funny part is they thank me for being human and that´s an irony.

I survived through storms but who knew that my 2017 start will be like each minute is a dark hole. No wonder 2016 was long and hard yet it was easier than today.

I continued the journey of love and it is an actual proof of growth of me as an individual and him being persistent in actions.

Above all it was an year with so much to remember from sadness to happiness, so much to talk about yet so much to be left in silence.

This too shall pass.

I grew as who i am and today i am a person with no regrets or any grudges. I grew as i let my silence maintain the peace in moments of argument. I grew as i woke up without feeling the weight of fights from night before. I grew as i learnt from my mistakes and did better next time. I saw life, i saw death and i saw another sunrise.

-KPK