Who will win my faith or my fear? my story in my words

When we face challenges with our dreams, career struggles, health challenges or financial downfalls, we are surely in a moment of proving the power of law. A dear friend shared something with me other day and i knew i felt nothing less then the following passage. “Nichiren, … in this life was born poor and lowly to a chandala family. In my heart I cherish some faith in the Lotus Sutra, but my body, while outwardly human, is fundamentally that of an animal… Since my heart believes in the Lotus Sutra, I do not fear even Brahma or Shakra…” (WND- 1, Letter to Sado, 303). The Daishonin was on exile; he had no status, wealth or power. His situation was exactly the opposite of powerful figures of the day who were persecuting him. He lacked adequate food, clothing and shelter. All he possessed was his life. In truth, he had been stripped down to his bare humanity. Under such circumstances, the Daishonin declares that his body is “that of an animal.”

"In conclusion, after further self-reflection, the Daishonin proclaims that, because he has thoroughly and sincerely dedicated himself body and mind to the Lotus Sutra, he will attain enlightenment in both body and mind and is certain to become a Buddha. (WLS-3, 119)"

I don´t know where i stand lately while i watch my dreams turn into dust as if someone is snatching away my dreams bit by bit. Yesterday, i sat in front of my butsudan and i couldn´t even open it, i wanted to chant but my heart was so filled with emotions that i could barely catch a breath and then in a moment i decided to let go, let go of all. I knew i was fighting for no reason, if it is my mission i will get it and if not then not. Whether i like it or not, no matter how much I resist the negation part but if it is not happening then it won´t. Suddenly, i could see how the journey has always been this hard and how i have resisted it harder than the journey has been. This time i want to cry my heart out and let the resistance go away. I am not that strong but i plan to continue my practice in an another dimension. I want to let go of it all, while i just breathe in and out with nothing but my mission as a bodhisattva. I want to let go of my hunger and animal spirit.

After 4 years, exactly same time of the year i find myself crushed again with my desperation and obsession of career and goals. I know i am still hoping deep inside that i will just hear something that i will finally get an opportunity to change my fucking career karma. I am a hopeless dreamer and emotional fool like my mom always say. Though i still believe buddhism is all about following once dream yet it takes a lot of courage to chant with the conviction that, ¨As long as i am chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and i believe in Gohonzon, all will be fine and i will be alright¨. Sometimes we face such situations, to face what was underlying in our life for a very long time and in my case it might be my career while relationship karma stopped affecting me, my career took over as playground for sixth devil king.

Now, question is what will happen, will i cross over, will i grow out of it, will i be able to accept what is about to come.... now it is just a matter of some hours either today or monday i might just cross over like i might not even imagine but what if i don´t, what will happen to me, my faith and my spirit... to be continued...

Why you need to stop saying ¨Chant more¨? Learning compassion from clinical Depression

2 months now, people have said nothing but ¨Don´t worry. probably this is not for you¨,¨¨Don´t worry, it will be okay¨, ¨Oh you must chant more strongly ¨, ¨I don´t think you are practicing¨ and blah blah blah

Telling me or anyone to chant more is not the solution to anything or it is definitely nothing close to being compassionate. We need to take a hard look at the person in front of us and think harder how to be compassionate with fellow members. What i am learning from clinical depression and what i have learnt till now is very profound.

Last 30 days:

4 years challenges went on and on while a rough childhood and teenage yet here i am proud of every bit of me from physical or career. I am made of all i have seen in my life from worse to worst and i wouldn´t change a bit of it. I am glad of where i am and where i have reached and more glad that i am still a warm person and will keep extending my arm till i can to be there for others. Roughly 30 days now, i have been growing through clinical depression with anxiety attacks to sleeping for days play eating just greasy food. Wake up like no control over my own life, start crying and not stopping, sick with severe cough, tonsillitis and on and off with fever for now one month. I am irritated by everything people around me do from walking fast to fake smiles. Everyone diplomatic or full of falseness are the one´s bugging me that even thought of it makes my blood boil. 

People´s reaction for 30 days:

• I think you chant less. (-- yeah sure why not)
• Are you even practicing? (--damn right i am just a shallow practitioner)
• Chant more (--yeah i did 10 hours yesterday, should i do more?)
• Come on lets go party (--Girl got work to do)
• I think you are doing it all wrong. (--exactly i am all wrong)
• You need to smile and be happy (damn you, who doesn´t want to be happy)

Practice in last 30 days:

• Byakuren regular
• Daimoku regular, free days reaching 4-10hours
• Study - 3-5 goshos daily, books by sensei
• Faith - well i bought my ticket and another for someone special without any news of my travel, luggage almost ready, definitely did it because i believed my practice

Take home message:

• When someone talks about their determinations, goals or desires kindly and sincerely learn to listen, respect because just because your dream is happy marriage doesn´t mean all the others want same. People are out there fighting for their dreams not because they are fancy or luxurious rather they know what they want and what is important to them. 
• As badly as you want your love of life, someone out their wants their dream job and someone wants only to live through the cancer. 
• Low life or someone not practicing is not a reason for you to lecture them. If someone comes to us and they put their trust is in, we need to learn to respect them and see what is the best we can do. Just telling to chant more is no solution, yes they might have to chant more but they might need that one person who believes in them, believes in their dream
• I have supported my friends in chanting for them, with them but i don´t believe in chanting more is any good answer. 

¨We need to be like winter with ourselves in practice and life that is strict and rigid but when it comes to other we need to be warm and compassionate like the warmth of sun¨  (Can´t recall the source, but this guidance if from sensei which was told to me in a stuyd in SGI Australia, never left my heart)

Look again, ask again and learn to listen more than giving free guidance to anyone

An open letter to anyone who needs to be listened, i am opening my doors to you, ping me if you need one person to trust you, to just listen to you or someone to just walk with you till you reach where you wish to reach. With love, Priya  

Stage 2: Victory towards November 18?

If you are in same boat and experiencing the earthquake in your own little word then keep up as soon we will enter to stage 2 and i will be back with stage 2 of this journey to November 18 victory.

Continued...

Roughly 2 weeks ago after a whole lot of concentrated daimoku, i started going through a stage filled with anger and so much more. And today after 2 weeks, i can say anger calmed down though i have changed my course of fight. I have realized a lot of things including how my heart to heart dialogue that changed course of my relationship while i have discovered my true friends who are equally holding on to my dream and victory to happen. People who seemed closed actually faded away as i grew as an individual and became more selective of people i chose to surround myself with. Don´t be scared of losing people is my one advice to anyone, when we go through our life, we need to understand who adds to our life and who really adds to our dreams and passion, and it is totally fine to grow out of love, friendhsip and so on. If one is on self growth then despite the hard path one will always come in union with mission of one´s life. Though, my gratitude goes to Gakkai, which has played a huge role while i indulged myself in weekly byakuren and more of sending daimoku to fellow members more than talking. 

• Change is non-attachment to people in my environment.
• Lack of hope but one´s dreams should be big enough that they scare you. So, yes i am scared to hell but then i tell myself ¨Faith has to win over fear¨. “Reply to Kyo’o”: “Misfortune will change into fortune. Muster your faith, and pray to this Gohonzon. Then what is there that cannot be achieved?” (WND-1, 412).
  
• Determination: More the people in my environment ask me to prepare for a back up plan, more determined and clear i feel about my goals. I know i am in a position where i am down in hope as well as physically with bad health timing but i am not quitting. 
• Nichiren writes, “Iron, when heated in the flames and pounded, becomes a fine sword” (WND-1, 303). He also says, “Put into flames . . . gold becomes pure gold” (WND-1, 497). Every effort we make now will eventually become our greatest treasure. Facing and overcoming adversity causes our lives to shine like a jeweled sword or like pure gold.
  

In this stage, all i can say is three obstacles and four devils and devil king of the heaven has appeared in its full glory to sap the happiness out of me but i am determined through my actions of continuous daimoku to push through this. I even got one free day during the week where i challenged myself to do 10 hour daimoku while over the weekend i pushed another 10 hour daimoku. At the end of all the hours i put in, i could feel myself whispering again ¨Yes things are going to happen and i will overcome this and i will prove to all that Mystic law is bigger than everything¨. A lot is at stake but there is no more BUT´s. 

Personal Power Prayer

I am not a person with fixed prayers, i always chant from heart like follow my heart and feel every prayer i have. Sometimes, i just follow every emotion i am going through as i don´t believe in opening my butsudan or chanting with a descriptive prayers that is not coming from my heart. This is my reason to be able to chant for 5 minutes to 10 hours. Despite this form of chanting, i have always held some prayers dear to my heart and truth is with each passing day they only got more profound. So here is my recipe to embrace this practice and expand my life in day to day basis:

POWER PRAYER

• I must believe in my gohonzon, i must trust it with all my heart. I entrust it with all my wishes and desires and i chant for these prayers to unite with my mission of bodhisattva of the earth. I chant to believe that i am a Buddha, i chant to have Buddha´s wisdom, Buddha´s mind, Buddha´s face, Buddha´s eyes, Buddha´s ears, Buddha´s voice and Buddha´s heart filled with compassion. I chant to live a life of Buddha with all Buddha´s actions in accord with Mystic law.

Power Prayer when deadlocked:

• Gohonzon surprise me with the limitless potential you hold for me and i seek the wisdom to embrace it and live with this potential each day with Buddha´s courage .

• Faith wins over fear

Power Prayer for relationships:

• I chant for both of our happiness to come in union with each other and universe. I chant for the true Buddha nature to emerge in both of us and create value in our lives and in lives of people we are connected to. 

How to deal with a broken heart

Want a job, love of your life or home follow ...Beauty, Benefit and Good

Mr. Makiguchi taught that there are three kinds of value: beauty, benefit and good. In the realm of employment, the value of beauty means to find a job you like; the value of benefit is to get a job that earns you a salary so that you are able to support your daily life; the value of good means to find a job that helps others and contributes to society. Mr. Toda once said, "Everyone's ideal is to get a job they like (beauty), that is financially secure (benefit), and where they can contribute to society (good)."

Personal take: I have come to believe that this guidance is actually a solution for all our desires including a life partner, or a dream home. Likely said, Buddhism is logic, a strong foundation of nothing but basic principles and no matter what question we have, this is the only answer. 

Beauty: job you like, person you like, home you like (physical characteristics, and qualities and so on)

Benefit: Good salary, Supportive companion with a proper understadning, respect and trust or Comfortable home (resulting into day to day peaceful life)

Good: Job that contributes to your and others happiness, relationship where 2 people grow together with extending that happiness to family and friends, Home that can be a place for kosen rufu like meetings or kaikan or just a place where anyone who comes to your place find themselves calm and happy

Mr. Toda explains, but not many people are able to find the perfect job for them from the start. For example, someone may have a job that they like, but it isn't putting food on the table, or their job pays well, but they hate it. That's the way things go sometimes. Then there are some who discover that they're just not cut out for the career they dreamt of and aspired to.

Personal take: It is as if one can find a home and realize that it has some old water pipe or electricity issues or no elevator for old parents and so on. In case or relationship, a happily in a love couple is not having fights everyday while they discover how they are so different in day to day life or one has grown in his or her own life and now two of them are no on same page anymore as if falling out of love.

Mr. Toda said that the most important thing is to first become an indispensable person wherever you are. Instead of moaning over the fact that a job is different from what you'd like to be doing, he said, become a first-class individual at that job. This will open the path leading to the next phase in your life, during which you should also continue doing your best. Such continuous efforts will absolutely land you a job that you like, one that supports your life, and allows you to also contribute to society.

Personal take: We all want big things, but we all shy away from working for it. When we want to become a CEO of a company we need to remember it is not happening overnight. One passes college and then gains experience over years to reach to that level. We will be making our own mistakes and we will be learning through our own unique mission. Similarly, right now when that dream home is not built we are working on by saving money, while thinking on how we would like to design it or what color theme one would like. When it comes to matters of love, we might think like where is he or she, i am so lonely or i miss someone to share my life with. Though if we want a strong companion we also need to work on becoming ourselves equally strong, or grow as an individual that our future partner would also feel like ¨ohh wow he/she is amazingly beautiful or a true inspiration or qualities that make us grow fond of each other¨. 

And then, when you look back later, you will be able to see all of your past efforts have become precious assets in your ideal field. You will realize that none of your efforts and hardships have been wasted . . .

To conclude, we need to improve ourselves as an individual wherever we are right now while the effort we put today is actually like building a strong foundation for our future. It is like even though we don´t know what we want or where we would like to be but the best we can focus is on what we have in front of us and eventually we will reach where we want to be.

How to embrace Gakkai, leaders, fellow members and its rules without any grudges?

Have you ever hit that stage where you don´t connect with members anymore or you feel lack of trust or understanding with them. There is that time, where suddenly all the leaders seem wrong and we feel a surge of anger with their attitude of dealing with members. Somewhere, our brain is running with thoughts and so many mind strategies like how Gakkai could be improved and how this and that is so wrong. And there I was standing once again on this edge of fixing everything and how I was not able to trust my Gakkai family at my land of mission, Spain. Interestingly, I was still reaching out to Gakkai family of my previous land of mission from Germany. Truth is it wasn´t just Gakkai rather I was angry with my kosen rufu relationship, my kosen rufu home and suddenly my work place which was my hell seemed to be my only place to hide, hiding in my work and deadlines.

I wonder how many of you will hate me for saying this truth out loud or how many of you will really relate to it. But here is my journey and understanding; like every organization it has got its own rules and these rules or way or people working varies based on two major factors such as culture and background of Gakkai in respective country.

October 9: There may be times, certainly, when being a member of an organization seems bothersome and we just want to be alone. But how sad it is if we are left alone without any support and then lose our faith. True growth comes from striving together with our fellow members in the living realm of human beings, experiencing the rich gamut of human emotions.

Daisaku Ikeda, SGI President

It was yesterday´s daily guidance just in time as I am finding my balance of Gakkai and relationship with members while I am on a verge of huge human revolution, ¨Darkest before the dawn¨. I already went to two leaders in a week and I opened my heart to them. I told them how I believe in this practice and Gakkai but for now I am not able to trust anyone. I can´t even sit in monthly zadankai but still I pushed by taking multiple byakuren activities, attending meetings and reading multiple goshos every day. Surprisingly, my seniors knew what I was talking about and that moment I knew how normal it is to encounter such situations. And my YWD leader told me one thing, ¨Priya, stop demanding too much from yourself, I know you feel like you are not making any difference but in coming years you will see how much difference you made¨.

Self-reflection in today´s date:

• ·  All members are going through their own human revolution and yes it is normal to not like everyone
• · If we don’t like someone, time to remember that our environment is reflecting the conflicts and insecurities and fear we hold deep inside
• · Chant a lot for people´s happiness and to take full responsibility of their human revolution in my own hands and my daimoku has actually shown some real benefits
• ·  If I feel that my district lack some motivation or inspiration then I take more duties as emcee or in concept to share sensei´s guidance and gosho to impart the same emotion of sensei which is lacking.

Personal Victory: While I was short of words, I found a way of showing my love and concern through my actions at my kosen rufu home alongside I had an open heart to heart dialogue for my kosen rufu relationship and above all my action to meet leaders was appreciated as they thanked me for putting that trust and effort out there while I couldn´t trust anyone.

Take home message: I encourage myself and each one of us to have independent faith but always make sure to practice with others. Don´t waste energy on changing the outside or people, as change begin from within. This structure of Gakkai is made for a certain reason and we need to remember that like work and relationships, Gakkai is also a ground for our training playing an important role in our mission to turn poison into medicine.

How does daimoku, activities and efforts are working for our victory towards November 18?

November 18 is not far away and we all have already started walking towards it with endless amount of daimoku, activities and endless efforts get our goals.

Like you all, i am working towards my biggest goal for November 18 with nothing in my sight but reporting my victories directly to sensei this time. So, yeah this time it is not just any goal this my ¨The Goal¨, ¨The real proof¨ or say this is it for me to advance in my faith. Exact 1 month ago, i was stuck like there was no turn around, i lost calm and i went into low life though it was for merely 2 days before i got up again and recharged my batteries with fresh determination. After 25 days, here i am still charging towards my goals though a lot has been going around. 

I am realizing this is the first stage in this journey of victory as i can see a clear change in my environment from work to home and my personal life with all the people in my environment. Now probably you are wondering, this is all positive change well here is the surprise. 

In last 25 days, i started reading Gosho more than usual like 3-10 goshos every day with daimoku and continuous participation of byakuren. I encountered over a quote of sensei ¨Complain erases the good fortune¨. Along with, an experience where a ywd started chanting on ¨transform resentment into compassion¨ as no matter how hard work she did and good causes she put but she was not able to have a breakthrough. Even though i never felt any resentment other than for my life at times, i thought to give it a try.  Two weeks of chanting on ¨transform resentment to compassion¨, i have turned into a walking fury. Every minute, i can feel how i am on a edge, i need to control my anger with a control over my sarcasm. I have to apologize multiple times to my boyfriend for being so sarcastic. Man, who said daimoku doesnt´t work :P My one prayer is challenging me by putting all sections of my life on forefront with nothing but so much anger and resentment. Interestingly, suddenly even the invisible resentment has come out. All of a sudden, i am irritated by everything people do, i don´t trust anyone not a single person. Additionally, all fellow member are also in similar boat saying hell is broken lose and questioning me that what happened to all their hard work. Well here is what i am telling myself each day.

Pointers:

• Remember, it is always darkest before the dawn. This situation of hell broke lose is like blessing in the disguise, answer of our prayers. This is the wake up call and the dirt sitting under that carpet is finally out.
• Answered prayers can bring out what might have become invisible to us, but need to be taken care of to bring that change (human revolution)
• Not a single effort goes to waste, just keep pushing forward soon this dust will settle down after practice is like ¨Dragon Gate¨ Dragons have the job of making the rain fall—this same work can be regarded as a burden or as a mission, depending on how one looks at it. This difference in outlook or attitude is also what determines whether we will be defeated by negative influences, or evil friends, or successfully attain Buddhahood. Truly, as Nichiren says, “It is the heart that is important” (“The Strategy of the Lotus Sutra,” WND-1, 1000). And this difference in heart or spirit comes down to whether or not we embrace the great vow that is mentioned in this letter.

If you are in same boat and experiencing the earthquake in your own little word then keep up as soon we will enter to stage 2 and i will be back with stage 2 of this journey to November 18 victory.

The Real Aspect of the Gohonzon – “A woman who makes offerings to such a Gohonzon invites happiness in this life; and in the next, The Gohonzon will be with her and protect her always. Like a lantern in the dark, like a strong guide and porter on a treacherous mountain path, the Gohonzon will guard and protect you, Nichinyo where you go. Never seek this Gohonzon outside yourself. The Gohonzon exists only within the mortal flesh of us ordinary people who embrace the Lotus Sutra and chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.”

Life of an overthinker

She wasn´t introvert but then she wasn´t even extrovert. I wondered who was she, i saw her chirping like a bird in the crowd and then another time she was in silence by her window with no eye to find anyone. 

Her loneliness was her home, her mind was her demon. She will think and think and think till it is nothing but an overthinking of life. She is her best critic and she is the best judge to save herself on her own mercy. The life was same for all they say, she said life is not really same but yeah for weak the simple too gets difficult while her difficult was no challenge for the people living on bed of roses. She knew there were those who made her feel blessed but then she was all out there to serve those till they made her gone and left. 

She went in her own world every now and then and it was impossible to figure out who will even understand. She will meet then once in a while till soon in matter of days they will be nothing but a shallow appearance of depth. It was getting harder day by day to find anyone worth knowing the soul, it was merely the act of love that made her touch them once in a while. But it was just an act and her play was all set with nothing to wonder yet she wondered till her wondering was wondering that where she has gone and where she has left. She had no sense and no memory of taking off and knowing who left and whom she left let alone it was nothing that was left. She is okay where she is and she is okay not knowing that she is okay or not okay. She think and over think but let alone she is the think of the thinking that goes in her own thinking. She is engulfed in her thoughts, like a soul in a drought. 

She was entangled and suffocated in her thinking of thinking but there is no way to get. And only a thinker would know what is talking about. She want through the day and it feel like a thousand lives in a single life. She is tired at this young age as she has live over and over again in her thinking from being a child to an old lady on death bed and yet she do it again every day.

May her mind rest in peace, may her soul live in peace.