A letter to loners

I write often but truth is mostly i write from the heart of Just a Girl and today my heart is whispering again. It wants to reach to those who have become loners either by choice or not.

Life is hard, oh yes it is. Some of us are put through the time and situations which we definitely didn't chose by choice but we are forced to face bitter truth of life. No matter how hard it is but we are all alone. We say, we got a family, partner or friends but at the end of the day they all live for their own comfort. So, if you are single or feel lonely i think our life is more blissful than one's who have people and yet sleep in darkness of loneliness. Lucky are those who find someone who can walk the hard path just to stand by you. Most of us never even get a glimpse of this love.

I have been adding days to my life, turning into years but i never met anyone who will stand by me or won't question my heart. They made me focus on what society will say more than how i felt. The one's for whom i was perfect at start but i am not anymore. I look at my so called loved ones, i hear their words, i look into their eyes and all i feel is how they feel the burden of having me. In the end, my own people add to my anxiety while i thought one has people in their life to ease their anxiety of daily life and do vice versa for them.

Love is all i have got with me to give but in the end i walk alone. I became a loner like a real loner few months back due to extremities of loneliness and after that i never went back to who i was. Today, my friends are saying they are turning into loner and they feel sad. But what they don't see right now is, being a loner is a bliss. A bliss to walk the world with not a care, you let go of the fear of what will happen. Last night, i came back to the place which actually turned me into a loner. Surprisingly, i feel as if i am home and all the silence around me is no more killing rather it is bringing me to life. A life of silence but much louder than anyone else's social life can be. I am not scared to hear my loudest cries in the darkest night. I know i have survived till now and i will continue to and trust me so will you.

Your own people might give up on you but it is just a phase to make you learn how to be your own best friend. I am learning to look inside more than looking outside or hoping anyone else to save me. I am my own saviour and i have finally become mature enough to grasp the truth that "People will come and go, making space for new ones."

Path of becoming a "Loner" might be scary but soon you will know how it is a path to wisdom and maturity, how all the noises will turn into bull shit or drama and you will embrace the truth of what really matters.

P.S
Just a Girl

How to be Happy Single yet Committed

Love is like a beautiful flower which I may not touch, but whose fragrance makes the garden a place of delight just the same. 

Helen Keller

There i was standing on the edge, feeling the wind and putting my mind to rest. Though my heart races and i knew what i need was you and only you. I have lived clinging to arm of my dad while i lived my life without holding a hand. Today, you found me or love found me, your eyes looking at me like i look at the moon. It was enough for me to fall in love with you but i knew falling in love leads to broken heart. Time went on love didn't fade but my longing for me has definitely raised and so for you. We are hungry souls looking for each other's touch and melting in the arms like dancing souls. It will be the melancholy of our love that will last even if we part our ways.  

You are the poetry my heart reads, you are the love i feel, you are the hope i hope, you are the miracle i believe. Then i knew i went too far, and my longing for you was turning into obsession leading to depression. I knew i have fallen in love and so i was heart broken. Then it was the time where i needed to raise myself and i started learning how to lift myself up and stop falling in love.

Its not love that makes you fall, it is expectations and day dreaming. It is hoping that person will behave like you wish them to but we keep forgetting the reality of how different we all are from each other. It is expecting them to say words you wish to hear or propose you when you feel like. Expectations to have surprises and desire to have more and more and list goes on.

Long distance relationship experience has taught me a lot, how to let people be on their own and set them free. If love exist they will come home and i only believe in becoming home and the safe place where he would like to go when the world starts looking down on him. When the world stares and they run after him, when the whole life seems useless, when hopes shatters and sadness prevails, he will come to me. When the joy prevails, and he will need someone to share that joy and i will be a text away. Till then i am living my life and i want him to live his.

Happy single is my motto as i live through my daily up and downs. hang out with my girlfriends and have those lazy evenings where i do nothing but stretch my legs and just lie in the sofa. I don´t even bother to turn on that TV as it is nothing but noise, i don´t even open the novel i am reading as even that seems like work. I have found the peace in me, i let myself be laid back and then when i am active i run for buying groceries and experiment my new cooking ideas and put laundry after laundry. Then some guy friends come around and we share a bliss of connection with a little flirty air around but i will never go beyond that. My heart knows it is okay to talk and have a little hang out while i stay close in heart and my heart belongs to him. I dress up for me, put my new cute top for me while i share a picture with him once in a while with the idea of sharing the joy of me feeling happy and upbeat. 

Love is loving with no set limits, love is flowing like water and love is love that we neither give nor take, let alone be felt within and with out.

KPK

Why am i letting my friends go?

Past Four Months...

It has been intensive journey in past 4 months though i have been fighting for 4 years now, a roller coaster ride started with work pressure ending up into a period of destruction for me. It was so usual for my friends and boyfriend that they did't even care anymore if i reached safely. My best friend and my boy friend have meant world to for 6 months and then this year start things started falling apart. Work took over and my heart grew more and more anxious and life took its toll on my mini family of trust, love and sharing. My safe place was torn apart, my depression came back with the strongest intensity and i didn't know to whom i should turn. I have learnt if people can't be there for you at your lowest then it's better to let them go. My father said something 5 years ago, ¨People come and go¨. I had heart wrenching nights, days where even day light seemed like nightmares. I started leaning to the night with a feeling of comfort knowing no one is looking for me or waiting for me and my pillow became my best companion. I binge watched series or some nights just sat next to the window enjoying the beauty of moon. My only companions were a glass of wine and i will light up a cigarette and enjoy the moment with so much intensity and hear that silence that i never enjoyed noise again.

Return from those two months away with a haunting memory of  worst birthday ever, hell lot of fights and verbal arguments and a broken heart which never healed. I came back really wounded in ever possible way i could think of. After those 2 months i have never been same again, i hate noise even if people are talking loudly, being in a group of people has been my biggest challenge. And then i knew its time to go of all.

I knew i can try to trust people and try again and re build my bonds but truth is there is no going back. I don´t tell my heart to anyone anymore as none of them really cares or even has a heart to know my heart. I backed off and i decided to find my own life. I have been discovering new things to do in the city sometimes just a drink with new people, sometimes just a movie. Lioness underneath this skin has been unleashed and i can see it living the life like i never did.

So, here i am, i am letting you all go and if i mean anything to you, you will stay and make sure that you work on our bond. I have given more than i should have but i did and now its time for you to work and show me that you deserve to stay. If not, then i have already let you go.

I am letting you go so i can let my life flow...

KPK

Ode to Beautiful sadness

I was sitting on the sofa reading the new novel i picked up from the bookshop around the corner with nice breeze coming in through window i left open. 

With a slight noise of someone opening the lock at main door, i knew my flatmate and a person who has listened to me every now and than is here. With a cheerful hello from my end was reciprocated by her in a heavy and dull voice. I have known her long enough to know that she is not okay and my heart skipped a beat as i knew what went wrong. 

As i looked into her red eyes which have cried for hours, her face all gloomy reflecting her world has crashed into bits and pieces. I know this time it was different from previous two, this was it was as if there was nothing left to be crushed, it was not the goals it was the hope she found after fighting for months, it was the heart which is crushed again and again as it is only way she is still leading and holding her precious life.

I sat with her, listened her crying for the third time in the same context and blabbering her pain with a blanket of tears rolling down. This time even my eyes got wet, knowing how much in pain she is, knowing it like her own pain she faces day after day. I let her talk at her own desired pace with long pauses and words spaced with wisdom and hurt in the same sentence. The fight of her own was visible in her words, she knew she has to fight again but then she can´t live like this anymore. Yet, she knows deep inside she will. 

Now, it was my time to say something, to calm her down or to show her the light. She knew i saw her pain and she knew i felt it but helpless i was in doing much to bring her to comfort till my heart folded in those words. I knew what it was and i knew what i would tell myself and so i told her, it may seem you have fallen once again from same parachute you help onto but the ground in different. and the ambient of journey in that parachute was different. We all are so stuck on the idea of falling that we barely see the ground we have come down to. It is not dry anymore, it is whispering its love in your ears but we refuse to hear.

And then i bumped on the words whispered to my soul, i am sad and hurt because i encountered something so beautiful that the lose of it hurts. How precious it must have been but did i ever saw it in that light? I guess yeah for sometime and today this lose has reminded me that feeling joy of having something precious should be felt every day. It won´t guarantee any forever but it will reassure the joy through the journey. But i found the beauty in the sadness and i told her this. She sat there knowing the same in her heart and it gave her a little strength to move on. We sat together for a bit, had a smoke with a mind full of thoughts, eyes filled with visions of destruction yet hopes. And we drifted apart to our own dark night followed by nightmares or wishes looking up just waiting for a miracle to happen. 

KPK

Marriage Material or Break the Stereotypes

We all dislike changes especially when everything is going smoothly in our life. But there comes that day when change is the only option that gives us a reason to look forward. When change is the only hope left, when nothing feels in control so we chose change to renew our desire of life.

Surprisingly, I have never really encountered such people in my life. Probably i am surrounded but fear where people don´t experiment or lack the boldness to follow their dreams. But some are real rebel and i can see how they are fighting so hard to create their own benchmark. Above all, how society hates them and how they are labelled as someone with no morality.

Recently, i have found myself on a crossroad where i need to change something strongly in my life. So, even though my upbringing has been surrounded by words ¨be a nice girl¨, ¨don´t do this or that, what will society say¨, ¨don´t wear this or talk like that, what will society say¨ and list goes on while i grew up from a girl to a woman and now all i hear is, what will society say, who will marry you? But i figured i was not the only one rather we girls are told to watch how we eat, walk, stand or open our mouth, don´t laugh too hard because a girl from educated family has no right to even laugh out loud, breathe freely or wear a little less even on a hot day of 48 degree Celsius. 

I have lived my whole life living up to those standard bench mark which is set by a traditional society. Till i found myself seeing the world myself through those eyes. I was told to stay away from those rugged looking guys who cared more about their passion then being clean shaved or suit up all the time. But i always saw found them more charming and intriguing to discover, i wanted to know how they felt following their passion and not the life their parents or society dreams about. How they felt inside while men were told that crying making him less of a man. Or that girl with all the tattoos or piercing or smoking or drinking beer is immediately called out as a whore, surely easily available like she has no dreams yeah why would she, after all she is not acting or laughing like a girl from an educated and so called decent family.

This whole hypocritical thought process of people made me rebel more, made me sound like a bitch just because i found courage to stand up for my dreams. I chose my career over getting married at a young age of 24 or so and i chose to make an independent life for me rather than making babies and cooking for my husband. As if, the society hasn´t judged me enough and i then took this step to change my hairstyle and chose to break all the stereotypes because i chose comfort. Just because i found short hairs nice and comfortable and i almost shaved my one side of the head, i am no more the marriage material or pretty for god sake. My own people shrugged off as this hairstyle made me wander of me nothing but a bitch and all i could do was laugh. I don´t want to fight as i know who i am but i wonder about the society we live in. Why would i bring a daughter to live this life where she can´t even choose her own hairstyle or just a tattoo which she would like to have. 

So, here i am, i drink or i smoke but i am not a whore, i believe in the romantic love stories and i will marry my dream man one day. When the day will come and i know i am ready, i might make babies but it has nothing to do with what society asks for. I will have 10 tattoos but it has nothing to do with my morality, while i still gave my seat in metro to that old man when that simple decent and shy looking girl sat there pretending she didn´t even saw his shaking legs. My bold decisions doesn´t make a bitch rather i am open to accept you and respect you for who you chose to be or your own personal choices for your life. Yes, i am not the marriage material for you, truth is you are not the one i will ever marry who had the courtesy to judge my whole existence on mere choice of hairstyle i have.  

How we lost our Innocence?

I haven´t met you but i have seen the heart you held long ago. Now, i see you holding same more closer to you just so you can protect from the sample people you once wished to share. I can see you underneath that attitude you carry. I see how you leave everyone who care about you behind, just so they can´t touch it anymore. Once you see them touching your soul and reaching to the innocence you hide under that crazy look, under that bold personality covered in smoke, alcohol or drugs. All you do is run, run away after all how can see something you have hidden for so long. After all how can they love you for that soft heart you still carry inside...

I know how you do it and i know why you do it. I know you sat in similar boat like i did once. I know you loved someone, someone you never expected to ruin you. I know you trusted way too much like i did once. I know you gave all you had and i know that now you stand where you feel like you have nothing to give. I know you are drowning in that wrenched pain and i know you are running more and more faster so that even the wind can´t touch. You hide your heart under that skin, under that hard skin which seems to be impermeable. 

You know you were there, where you gave love, trust and all the human nature you had. You say, you have forgiven them but are you sure? If you have then why are you holding that heart so closed in your hands that even you are scared to take a peek at it. What is it, fear of losing what you still have or fear of going through what you had to long ago? I can feel and i know how badly you need someone to hold it for you as you are tired of even holding it. But you are not able to trust again and i wonder if you will ever do it once more.

I wish i could hold it for you, i would show you how you still have it inside. You may have changed the color of your skin but your heart still resides inside. I wish i could do something to let you flow. I told you the truth and i thought we will hold each other´s heart and we will protect it more than ever. But i was wrong, you took it like them and then you crushed it like them. You were no different than anyone, you just made me live in awe and hand over to you what i was protecting with my life. And this is how we lost our innocence.

KPK

Why do we fall out of love?

A question that every happy couple ask at some point, it was all good, a perfect love story, understanding beyond age and magical chemistry. But today, here i am with my head filled with doubts, questions and fear of losing the most beautiful relationship i ever found. Grip of fear only gets tighter with a fear of losing what I have, fear of never standing up again, fear of never healing from it, fear of never ever breathing, smiling and being happy or ever being loved again…it gets tighter and tighter and my knees can´t take it anymore and I fall on the ground trying to catch some breath.

So, what happened to us?

We did fall in love and now it´s time where we are falling out of love and do you know why? The reason is same that you and you partner had or the neighbor next door or the girl you saw crying in that early morning metro you took, the guy who was drunk and acted like a brat and reason was they all were in love and now they all were told by their respective partners that it´s not same as it was. It is not enough what meant more than the world, they have suddenly got more mature or grown as individuals while they all knew they all just grew out of the love they had.

Do you know why? This is the only answer I ever found...

It was the efforts s/he made that you fell in love with, a little touch of love when you got upset and s/he called you back despite you hung up phone like an immature person, s/he made sure you ate, s/he told you every now and then that how special you are or how that attire makes you look more charming, s/he didn´t sleep till they made sure you are fine and that stupid thought is not bothering you anymore, s/he never let you face anything alone and little glitter of love was blown in air just to remind you that they are around. They made sure that we knew they are around despite all the social network distractions and hundreds of friends. That one morning message would brighten your day and give you all the energy you needed to face that horrifying meeting with boss. That was touch of love that you couldn’t stop thinking on next meeting with them. Till the day came those little touch of love lifted off and the flowers of love, communication and nurturing started to wither off like that cold winter. Till they realized how they have grown out of love it was too late and they both fought and defended their own actions choosing ‘I’ over the ‘love’, choosing ‘I’ over the ‘Us’ and choosing ‘I’ over the ‘peace’.

But they still didn´t count on the efforts that made them fall in love were the same actions gone missing and the love started to wither.

KPK©