What is Victory and why you should stop waiting for it? - Nam myoho renge kyo

I shared my journey... i shared how i have kept winning each day... i shared how our practice gives us the way to be victorious each day. I am just trying to learn from what sensei has done over the years.

My secret to find my smile in midst of all the challenges is my faith, it is how i have understood practice and the meaning of ¨Victory¨.

5 years back, a leader showed me the hard truth of my life that how selfish i am as i just couldn´t reach my goals. That day in fact even one month following that i struggled to even understand what he really meant. How can a person like me be nothing but selfish? He was right, i was only focused on reaching my goals, reaching those end results that only represented how my whole existence and happiness was dependent on something outside.

Fast forward to today, i am in most uncertain time of my life, being in foreign land and having no back. For many i am not okay or happy or any close to victory. But i know i have won already. Truth is in all the uncertainty, i am still OKAY. I don´t need world to see it that i have won today as i made it out of my bed, I am victorious each day in multiple ways. Believe me or not same goes for you. Just because dream, job, a perfect soul mate or love or money is not happening even then you can win each day. My biggest victory is my smile, the warmth i carry with me for people around me including strangers i walk by on streets or the lady who sat next to me in the bus. My smile and kindness and hope i shared with others through my eyes is how i win each day. We can´t keep waiting for days and months or even years in hope of someday it will happen or someday i will meet someone. Wake up tot the truth, opening that Butsudan and chanting each morning is like embracing the law that says ¨Chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is happiness¨. This absolute happiness is in your hands. I know you feel like crying and your heart aches as relative things didn´t work out as you wished but despite that when we start living our life as bodhisattva of the earth, we are already victorious.  I won the day I personally came to accept the truth that my face is a reflection of Soka Gakkai spirit, or my smile even on tough day shows how Buddhism helps me improve day to day life. Now that´s how i have seen real proof of practice. Proof is when at night i still have a bed to sleep in or some days have even the food. Some day’s just one person who can sit by my side. Victories have no name, they are what you think they are.

Reflect upon your journey, earlier i will have tough times and i will complain and stay sad till life wasn´t fixed. Now, i am conscious of my life, my emotions yeah may be i feel hurt but acceptance of my emotions doesn´t mean that my emotions have to control me. The concept of ¨Master your mind¨, put that into application and i have learnt to do this and i do it consciously each day. With all i am going through, i am come closer to my family, a hard core person like me has learnt to lean on to my family. That’s my victory. I have learnt to put my problems aside and be there for others. I have to continue living and enjoying those beautiful meetings.

The real meaning of our faith and how to apply in our daily life is explained again and again by sensei. In fact the book, discussion on youth talks about, ¨Drawing on the belief that every person has within them an “inexhaustible wellspring” of strength and wisdom, the authors assert that every difficulty, no matter how serious, are essential experiences to achieve a fuller, happier life. The most fulfilling way to live, they assert, is one spent for the happiness of both oneself and others.¨

Sensei has written his journey over the years explaining the hardships he had to go through and his spirit to go on without weighing his past or present in terms of victories. You know for me you are victorious when despite all you are going through or a night spent in tears yet you showed up next morning for the meeting with a smile on your face.

Sensei says, ¨ In society we find those who win and those who lose. Fortune and misfortune cannot be calculated. However, even if one wins, his elation will not last indefinitely. But a person of self-awakening, even if temporarily defeated, can go on to build a future vaster, broader, deeper and greater than that of the person who originally won. As long as one is not defeated fundamentally, he should continue step-by-step, confident of his eventual victory.¨

Fortune and misfortune cannot be calculated. However, even if one wins, his elation will not last indefinitely. But a person of self-awakening, even if temporarily defeated, can go on to build a future vaster, broader, deeper and greater than that of the person who originally won. As long as one is not defeated fundamentally, he should continue step-by-step, confident of his eventual victory.

Chanting diamoku is the only way to break deadlocks, whether of the body or the mind.

The sooner one knows the Mystic Law, the sooner he can attain happiness and peace. Even a day’s hesitation will cause a day’s delay of happiness and peace.

Only the Gohonzon enables us to solve everything. All I must do is reflect on my own faith, and whether or not I am committing any slander.

Now about your goals, well you will reach them if not today then tomorrow but all you got to do till then is live your life to the best and work on your human revolution. You can´t spent all this time weeping and only smiling in good times as that is no what Soka spirit is. Anyway, if you ask me but I don’t feel happy so how do I do it… remember what sensei said, ¨Gakkai activities are shortcut to the happiness¨

-Happy Chanting

Victory...i keep screaming victory - Nam myoho renge kyo

As I sit here looking outside the window of my office, cloudy day as if universe is trying to cheer me up while my heart breaks into zillion pieces. How fascinating it is, one heart which basically exists only to pump blood yet every time something happens in our life, we blame our heart. It crushes so hard and it seems impossible to breathe.

Let me tell you why on such a low day, I have decided to write my experience. Because it was me who told every single member I have ever supported in faith, to write your experience when you have nothing to feel gratitude for. Today, I miss being alive, miss my smile and all I  wana do is run and run harder till my legs give up and my heart screams stop and then open my butsudan and chant to embrace it all. When you live 6 years out of your own country and your home, you know people might remember you but everyone has learnt how to live without you. In the end, I have only one home and that is my butsudan.

Rewinding back to 1^st September seems stupid and useless in fact it seems as if it never existed. Anyhow, sit back and join me on this crazy journey I have been through.

It was a hard month especially with my load of financial karma. I went back to work, with running thoughts on how to manage finances while I was in middle of printing 12 thesis, defence registration and 1 week in conference in another country where I was supposed to pay everything on my own while reimbursement will happen at end of month. When I calculated all those expenditures, I knew I had no money for rent or food this month. I sat in front on my gohonzon thinking well my September karma is back, so what´s your plan this time. I sat for chanting only to seek out for protection. I needed nothing but protection no matter what might happen in coming days. Salary came, paid my bills and there I was with no money for conference as my thesis and defence registration were my bigger priorities. My life state was fine even though my brain and my financial limits were crushing my daily life. Soon, ways opened and I got financial support from my boss and my registration was paid directly from my scholarship. Though I have said it so easily, it is basically impossible to explain how I felt each day, each minute and my nights spent in nightmares. I am a proud person in financial matters like my mother. I choose to die of hunger but never ask for help. I just don’t know how to ask for help. My biggest human revolution this time was to speak up and trust other person to help me out. Even though I was worried that I will be degraded by this person though gohonzon made sure nothing like that happened. Above all, this September I actually made best of my bank balance. I changed my own negative karma into positive when I learnt how to manage expenses and still manage to save even if that meant just few bucks. Some unimaginable things happened, from transformation of relationship karma at work and for the first time I even got an opportunity to prepare study for my byakuren meeting and I did tough every single person´s heart.

While all that was happening, I didn’t know my PhD was soon gonna be in danger. Just How can I forget that Monda, a holiday. I didn´t wana do anything, I was slave of my female hormones and I was gonna sit on sofa whole day or even eat whole bucket of ice cream. Till my mobile made that beep sound and the title of the email ¨Problem with defence¨. That was it, I read it and I sat there in shock. My fight of past 4 years started flashing in front of my eyes as if I fought all this time for not even getting one single PhD title forget the double title. My biggest benefit in middle of all that was, I finally made a call, a call to my family which I have never done especially in tough times. At last, for first time in 28 years only people I thought of was my family, I told them how I felt, how broken I was… I had just my family who could feel my pain and even hear it through my tears. In that moment I knew, I had no one but my family, who can pick me up. Friends and love nothing was real in the toughest moment but it was my family.

Another benefit was, I went to work Tuesday knowing what has happened, knowing no one could do anything but I didn’t spit not a single word of complaint. I made a wise decision and then another stupid decision but that’s fine with me. I realized I am just girl, fighting with all her might to save her career as her career is all she had to survive in the harsh realities of the word. I kept running from one office to another to find any way to renew visa while I was denied rights to even receive government support for my period of unemployment.

You know what my victory was, that Wednesday I cried and then stopped my tears and told myself ¨I have byakuren duty today and this is not how a Buddha´s face look¨ and went to kaikan and opened door for members with a big smile as if I was the happiest person on the earth. I chanted with only one thought, I will overcome all this with pure protection as these obstacles can´t stop me from my mission to spread law. I don´t know if I can yet that I have won but yeah with that one prayer things moved, there is still nothing sure what might happen to my PhD or visa or unemployment but I just know I have gohonzon and I am going to hang on till I have to.

¨That Monday mail, made me realize how I have reached that 12^th day from  kamakura to kyoto, how it is darkest before dawn and how I must be doing something so right that I am facing such challenges and how much I have grown.¨ It has been hard, my fight with my depression and anxiety is going on daily basis but real proof is I am still hanging on. With the cherry on the top, my relationship karma is back and I know it´s not very optimistic view but for now I wanna sit up there in mountains, watching the sky, stars and may even let myself feel broken for a bit but I know my biggest victory is around the corner. Soon this whole 4 year mission will make sense to me… to be continued

P.S just hang on, if you need someone to listen to you, I am here, I will make sure you can go to sleep or give you a reason to wake up

2 AM walk in Barcelona

I wasn't wandering but just on my way back to home... knowing the streets as if i grew around here. I walked down the streets as if living in another age. My mind slipped down to memory lane. The first memory to fly off to another continent as if i was going to a nearby market... the night i dared myself and took off to club all alone, took some drinks and danced out for an hour...
the day i enjoyed the dancing there like a free spirit so free that i scared men away, they watched em move but no one dared to lead me...that night when my heart was broken and that guy just sat with me by lake explaining me his own shit love story while i walked home all alone... then again another man didn't dare walk me to my place...
the return  where they made me feel i never belonged there and made me more sure to better be alone, i kept going through my daily life touching lives, moving on, spreading smiles still never been good enough... all she wanted to do was control me but still i chose my way ...
that night with no food, then a year long lived in darkness, from unknown language to finding my voice, those tears and screams when i saw my favorite team, that magical night where the songs moved me, till tonight still finding me walking by myself... no witnesses, no companions, no tears and no joy. I just walked around the corner, the waiter said good night beautiful, i replied you too. He stumbled, blaming me for losing his focus, i smiled and left. A sudden twinkle of reflection, i am turning into a bird, starting to fly, finding my voice... who knows where i will be but tonight i needed to let my words flow. Who knows, who will make sense out of it, even if anyone will read it but i knew i needed to type... i am writing for myself tonight, some day someone might see it, someone might wana know me, someone might find me lovable, someone might actually love me, make me smile and hopefully before anyone it will be me.

a lonely soul, beautifully flawed wishing to watch over the sight of ocean and brightly lit moon in the night sky, with those arms around me because i know someone is there waiting for me like i am waiting for him... loving the love, ............but tonight its just another night but the silence keeps me awake and tomorrow will be a new day where i will work hard, wish harder and who knows what

sleep tight
KK

Faith results into protection and victories - Nam myoho renge kyo

Here we go again, before I lose everything I want to write this experience, if I do cross over this phase or let’s say when I will… I will share my biggest persecution I have been through till date in 6 years of practice.

2 months ago…

 4^th August, 1:00 AM I finally reached my home back in Barcelona now what… the feeling that was so strong that I just dragged myself to sofa tired yet no close to sleep with my an empty house, my Italian trip felt like a dream with no sense of reality. It felt as if I just woke up from a nice and happy dream and here I am back to my living hell. Physically speaking no one to lean on, a shoulder to cry upon or to share my laughter with. The silence of house made me wonder if I even have any future. Even the thought of reaching the end of PhD was sucking the life out me. Going back to India, with no job or even the idea to live again in India was killing me. Just the mere thought of losing my life, independent career and being interrogated by every person I will meet there, ¨so what now, are you getting married, you know its late you should look for some fucking asshole¨ … well my brain was on fire, rethinking on what I was going through seems so foolish in picture of today. Dammit who knew I have bigger persecutions waiting for me. Anyway my first 4 days were, me living on that sofa, watching TV and going out just to buy some salads to eat. I didn’t even care to eat properly. My depression and a cycle of negative thoughts were killing and the only thing I did was gongyo, I was so sick mentally that I could barely move from that sofa. In the end, I started chanting in heart and contacted a senior leader to chant together. I asked her if I can visit her. Mystically, same day I got another message from a member next to house. And there I was exactly 4 days on that sofa and I was getting ready to visit one member and later meeting another. That night after 2 meetings, I came back to same empty house but no more paranoid. Not only this with in next two days I opened my tiny room for daily daimoku for members from my group. Members came to my house for 10 days in a row and I opened my house twice a day.

During these 10 days, the only time I genuinely cherished my life was during those daimoku and later study sessions. I was supposed to do my thesis corrections based on external reviews and print them and send by 15^th August. Though on 16^th I and my colleague found that one of the external reviewer never received that thesis as well as all the shops to be able to print our thesis were shutdown till 21^st August. I was working day and night by now. With daimoku came protection and I got my final review in another two days. Finally, by the time shops were back in action, I was chanting to print my thesis under my financial limit plus no problems in final print. I continued with my daimoku from protection and somehow just one house before i was supposed to leave my house for printed, my word file crashed. I lost all the style format i had. I felt as if i couldn´t breathe in that moment. I continued chanting in heart and i made manual changed for another hour till i got my PDF version done. Soon, the real proof was in front when I found that the amount I am supposed to pay for thesis printing was exactly what I chanted for and copies very done without any surprise issues. Benefits didn´t end there… I finally sent my thesis and later even more was just around the corner. Meanwhile after 10 days daimoku at my place, another member felt motivated to open her house for 5 days to chant daimoku. Finally, the end of august brought me to realise how my only reason to live my life is my work while my foundation of faith has only made me better at what I do … I took 3 days break to cherish my thesis submission. Oh did I forget to tell you the same day I return from my 3 day break I found some papers were missing and with total protection and daimoku I submitted everything in 2 days though still no news on that. I got back to work wondering what might have happened, who knows what happened

To be continued…

Chanting for protection, unimaginable benefits - Nam myoho renge kyo

I prepared my black coffee and sat in front of my Buddhist altar other day. I was going through the comments of all those who read my last post. I have to say I have accumulated so much fortune knowing how so many of you send me love and wishes even know we haven´t met ever or only a few times. I have to say my last post moved me and my life. It was a beautiful Friday. I went to kaikan, chanted for 2 and half hours and eventually a beautiful evening filled with indian humor thanks to another indian friend and so much laughter. As you can see, I love sarcasm, craziness and laughter… my smile is all I am.

Thinking on my smile, I just recalled my experience from 26^th July onwards. If you recall, I had already bought my tickets to Italy with an impulsive decision without knowing how I will do it without much money or where I will stay and so on. What I didn´t mention is that on 23^rd july, my flatmate left for Italy and told me that she will come to airport to pick me up if she can arrange car or otherwise she explained be a bus route. I had my tickets for Naples, Italy while I had bus tickets for Rome for 3 days. During all this crazily busy days with me doing daimoku without any specific goals. The only thing I chanted for was ¨Protection¨. I still had no money to book for hotels in Rome. Suddenly just 2 days before my trip I found out about a Buddhist member living in Rome. She offered me to sleep at her place. So far, my luggage and my tickets were ready but mentally I had no expectations rather I was hoping that my first 3 day solo trip in Rome and Naples living with flatmate and her parents would be fine. As I didn’t wana be a burden on them.

25^th July: I was running for some basic stuff and doing packing even though I was so lazy to do anything. Suddenly, I realised that I was so tired physically and mentally that even thought of Italy wasn´t helping. As I felt more concerned on how it will go then being excited to travel. I knew it was my depression side that was trying to suck me in my darkness. I knew my budget was only certain XXX euros for 8 days there, and I already found my accommodation and all. Though my itinerary was still not clear as my main goal was to be able to go to kaikan/centre in Italy. By night somehow I tried to finish my packing while drying my wet shoes with a hairdryer :P Desperate measures at desperate times :P Eventually I forced myself to sleep knowing I only have 4 hours. In morning my inner darkness was stronger to not even give me energy to get up. Somehow I made it to airport, chanting till I reached airport, Welcome to fun part, there was such a long queue that I basically found myself standing in line for one hour thinking dammit my Italian trip would never happen. Finally, I begged 100 people ahead of me in the line to let me pass a si had only 10 minutes and I did make it to my plane. At last, reaching airport and seeing my flat mate and her dad so excited for coming to pick me up that it made me relax a little. And a whole new journey of benefits started coming through. I planned my trip in Italy after planning when and which days i will be going to kaikan. I changed my itinerary based on the availability of people with whom I could go to kaikan. Eventually I was in kaikan of Salerno and later in Rome. I even attended the ceremony of people receiving gohonzon and later a small get together at one of the members who received gohonzon.

Did I tell you, in Rome I stayed in the house of member not on a couch or something but she had a whole another apartment with my own privacy, double bedroom and so on. The list good things doesn’t stop there, I even could chant on her butsudan every single morning before leaving for whole day of tourism. On the other hand, staying with my flatmate was like a family holiday, her father will make our morning coffee and breakfast later we will chant for one hour and then go for tourism. I met so many people and members, in fact in Salerno, I could even lead chanting for few minutes later connected with one of the senior Byakuren who was feeling sick so lacked smile on her face but when she saw me. She was like you must be Byakuren as your smile says it all. I love how people recognize me for my smile and laugh. The spirit I carry and being the face of Buddha even in midst of challenges is like my biggest benefit of this practice. While the day of return was coming, I realized that these 8 days in Italy were first time I forgot about my PhD, Family or any responsibilities’ and had a truly kosen rufu holiday with so much happiness, benefits and eventually growing and doing my human revolution by putting practice as first even during vacation.

Oops, on the first day itself I received a mail regarding my work that one of my external reviewer had already read my thesis and send me a report. It was like a moment where I was relaxed as one thing was less to worry.  

In the end, last but not the least the best benefit that happened and that I didn´t even realised or think upon during those days was my financial karma. Like I said I had on xxx euros and now don´t be shocked my whole travel was basically covered in exactly those xxx euros. With no expenses of hotels or without counting money while I had to eat outside while tourism. In the end, my departure was filled with happy tears, my Italian mother who has always reminded me of my maternal grandmother had tears in her eyes and I knew, I have so many bonds in life to eb grateful for as well as my bond with my flatmate got profound.

Don´t worry I am not finished as benefits continued and for now we have reached 3^rd august and I will be back soon.

To be continued…

Protection prayer opened gates of benefits - Nam myoho renge kyo

A 3 month journey which was kept sealed between my lips for so many reasons but here i am ready to take my leap of faith.

With the sound of heavy rains, and my brain evaluating the words of a WD who contacted me two days back, asking if I am okay as I didn´t write any blog in past 3 months. It made me wonder if there is any way I can write upon past months.

It all started with that day where I got to know that I need to submit my thesis in 45 days, normally people write in 6 months or 1 year. Well I was in such a shock that I didn’t even know how to react and I kept laughing. Somehow I was still okay well there is no choice so let’s do it. Chant and work was my only principle. What I didn’t know was it was time to go through not only challenges of career but financial, living situation, health and relationships.

Following 45  days, i did nothing but work like a machine while living situation was so dark that I was at a point of moving or finding a place to sleep peacefully for one night. The only person with whom I used to talk about my life was gone. But despite all that I was like I will reach the end and all the movements and struggles are happening for one or the other reason. Daimoku gave me strength to say yeah I will do it. Finally, with continuous daimoku, home visits and every Friday evening in kaikan with daimoku and study I continued going further. After 3 weeks, something happened, I created many new causes for my living situation but the place I went to see left me feeling so vulnerable that I was shattered into pieces. I was left so vulnerable that I couldn’t stop my tears and my real proof was that still I didn’t have any doubts. I had a lot of decisions to make so I was lost and exhausted but finally I did everything and every single decision has turned into a clear proof. Suddenly, I got a huge protection as well in terms of my kosen rufu home that after 12 hours of writing and typing, going back to home cooked meals thanks to my Italian family. Not only this, with a spur of the moment I got a financially good offer to travel to Italy after my submission of thesis. I got my tickets not knowing what will happen (can´t share details due to privacy of other person). I was taking action and I was just going forward with no expectations. Challenges continued, my health was destroyed and an event with some harsh words left me feeling useless, demotivated for a whole weekend just 5 days before submission.
I continued with my daimoku, kaikan or meeting members, I only remembered one guidance I had months ago ¨you will see¨. I have been living in a dark tunnel, every day new mails with new issues and till date things are not sorted. Despite all that, I said something to my boss expressing how I felt and she gave me moral support. I fought on and on the evening before submission (Thursday) my bosses called me for a sudden meeting. Surprisingly, they asked me to postpone my submission to Monday. This way I got a whole weekend even though thesis was already written and read my own work and finally the work my submitted under the impossible deadline. Challenges from work didn´t stop, many administrative challenges came further on delaying the official process. I have to say later that week I had a most beautiful conversation with my mother which was a real proof of how my practice has helped me transform my bond with her. The conversation was two way, she listened to me and I shared how much I have been fighting in my life. She listened and said I know not everyone can do this. That evening I chanted with nothing but gratitude, I could have never imagined that it was possible to talk to my mom like that. During all these 45 days, not for a single day I missed my gongyo or daimoku.

25^th july, Victories so far… thesis sent for external reviewers, living situation back to my safe place, family stood by my side, the one person I needed was there again to support me. Above all, I didn’t give up.

I have to agree, my biggest strength in that time was i was there for ywds or my group. My human revolution was my happiness and sadness were mine, but when i step out of my room, i lived like a bodhisattva of the earth, I continued sharing practice with people and i was verbal of the fact that thanks to practice i am doing okay except i am just tired. 

To be continued…

Victories pouring through my attitude towards my Buddhist altar