Feeling Betrayed, used, heart broken, victim: Buddhism at your rescue

If you are thinking like the following then it is for you: So, i did everything for him/her and we used to be close and i trusted and i put my best effort like always gave too much in fact i always did more for him/er than me then why did s/he did this to me. Why i was betrayed by the only person i believed in? Don't they feel bad or even realise? I wasn't even wrong, i did everything right ... blah blah blah. You are hurt, heart broken and with no trust in friendship or love or humanity in general.

I was there and i see many of you there. So, what did i do and i still do to keep myself and my life balanced despite the "BETRAYAL".

A year and half ago: I was left once again desolated with no answers, no words and a disappearance as if the person never existed. I felt everything negative from betrayal to shock and lots of questions like why me, why again and why why why. Till i saw myself talking through everything that has happened and till i was there with my big question of, how come i still haven't transformed this karms in all these years despite of my practice. 

Result: I digged into my practice as i was lucky it happened during easter break, more lucky as my flatmate went for holidays and i had my home all by myself. I was in shock of not changing my karma in 4 years more than the pain i was left with. I started doing 3 things, running, running on daimoku and running on one gosho "Eight winds". It went on for 7 days precise, till on the 7th day i was hit by a supreme realisation of gratitude. I was spurred with gratitude for not just what has happened but everything that has happened throughout my life. With so much appreciation and gratitude from a hard childhood to rough teenage continued in a huge challenges of life, i faced all on my own. I was jumping with the joy that it was all perfect every pain, every tear i shed has actually led me to where i am today. 

Victory: I was at my best, with so much to thanks for even the person who left with nothing said. Thanks to him i chanted like that, thanks to him i stumbled on that gosho and thanks to him i came on terms with everything from my past, everything little thing. I take full pride in living that life despite the negativity it has, despite the fact that i never got to live a life of a girl and  so much more. 

Present: You know, i know the pain you are going through and trust me when people share such happenings of their life with me, i have tears in my eyes as i hold empathy for you. I can it myself and i feel so bad that you have to go through this. But trust me it is part of our human revolution, it is not the time to close our hearts but keep them open as someone out there is in need of a honest shoulder to cry upon, an honest concern and an honest person to trust. I went through major losses this year as well, someone i still love and care about and someone who still makes my eyes wet. But truth is i cherished what i had but i learnt through buddhism that it's okay to part ways. We all are on our own journey, we might be in same place at one moment but with our own individual growth, we might grow apart and different places in different moment. 

**I cherish what i had, and buddhism taught me one thing about unbending before the eight winds.

** Eight winds=> Attachment to prosperity, honor, praise or pleasure (the four favorable winds). Aversion to decline, disgrace, censure or suffering (the four adverse winds) [Ref; Gosho: The Eight Winds, vol 1, page 794)

**If you are unable to let go of what has happened, chant on it like making this poison into medicine. Chant to use this opportunity to do your human revolution. Chant to open your heart to love. 

** Right now, it might seem impossible, but just stay positive in front of the gohonzon even though you feel nothing but rage at present and let time unfold it to you. 

** My principle from daimoku: Acceptance, grieving of loss, and finally appreciating happy memories and finally smiling from heart that at least it happened.

P.S: It is hard and i know as i have myself taken years or months or weeks to grieve and then come to terms with everything yet when i came, it was a beautiful story with happy moment with a glitter of sadness of missing someone, with a little twinkle of both of us being happy in our own places. 

Who will win my faith or my fear? my story in my words

When we face challenges with our dreams, career struggles, health challenges or financial downfalls, we are surely in a moment of proving the power of law. A dear friend shared something with me other day and i knew i felt nothing less then the following passage. “Nichiren, … in this life was born poor and lowly to a chandala family. In my heart I cherish some faith in the Lotus Sutra, but my body, while outwardly human, is fundamentally that of an animal… Since my heart believes in the Lotus Sutra, I do not fear even Brahma or Shakra…” (WND- 1, Letter to Sado, 303). The Daishonin was on exile; he had no status, wealth or power. His situation was exactly the opposite of powerful figures of the day who were persecuting him. He lacked adequate food, clothing and shelter. All he possessed was his life. In truth, he had been stripped down to his bare humanity. Under such circumstances, the Daishonin declares that his body is “that of an animal.”

"In conclusion, after further self-reflection, the Daishonin proclaims that, because he has thoroughly and sincerely dedicated himself body and mind to the Lotus Sutra, he will attain enlightenment in both body and mind and is certain to become a Buddha. (WLS-3, 119)"

I don´t know where i stand lately while i watch my dreams turn into dust as if someone is snatching away my dreams bit by bit. Yesterday, i sat in front of my butsudan and i couldn´t even open it, i wanted to chant but my heart was so filled with emotions that i could barely catch a breath and then in a moment i decided to let go, let go of all. I knew i was fighting for no reason, if it is my mission i will get it and if not then not. Whether i like it or not, no matter how much I resist the negation part but if it is not happening then it won´t. Suddenly, i could see how the journey has always been this hard and how i have resisted it harder than the journey has been. This time i want to cry my heart out and let the resistance go away. I am not that strong but i plan to continue my practice in an another dimension. I want to let go of it all, while i just breathe in and out with nothing but my mission as a bodhisattva. I want to let go of my hunger and animal spirit.

After 4 years, exactly same time of the year i find myself crushed again with my desperation and obsession of career and goals. I know i am still hoping deep inside that i will just hear something that i will finally get an opportunity to change my fucking career karma. I am a hopeless dreamer and emotional fool like my mom always say. Though i still believe buddhism is all about following once dream yet it takes a lot of courage to chant with the conviction that, ¨As long as i am chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and i believe in Gohonzon, all will be fine and i will be alright¨. Sometimes we face such situations, to face what was underlying in our life for a very long time and in my case it might be my career while relationship karma stopped affecting me, my career took over as playground for sixth devil king.

Now, question is what will happen, will i cross over, will i grow out of it, will i be able to accept what is about to come.... now it is just a matter of some hours either today or monday i might just cross over like i might not even imagine but what if i don´t, what will happen to me, my faith and my spirit... to be continued...

Why you need to stop saying ¨Chant more¨? Learning compassion from clinical Depression

2 months now, people have said nothing but ¨Don´t worry. probably this is not for you¨,¨¨Don´t worry, it will be okay¨, ¨Oh you must chant more strongly ¨, ¨I don´t think you are practicing¨ and blah blah blah

Telling me or anyone to chant more is not the solution to anything or it is definitely nothing close to being compassionate. We need to take a hard look at the person in front of us and think harder how to be compassionate with fellow members. What i am learning from clinical depression and what i have learnt till now is very profound.

Last 30 days:

4 years challenges went on and on while a rough childhood and teenage yet here i am proud of every bit of me from physical or career. I am made of all i have seen in my life from worse to worst and i wouldn´t change a bit of it. I am glad of where i am and where i have reached and more glad that i am still a warm person and will keep extending my arm till i can to be there for others. Roughly 30 days now, i have been growing through clinical depression with anxiety attacks to sleeping for days play eating just greasy food. Wake up like no control over my own life, start crying and not stopping, sick with severe cough, tonsillitis and on and off with fever for now one month. I am irritated by everything people around me do from walking fast to fake smiles. Everyone diplomatic or full of falseness are the one´s bugging me that even thought of it makes my blood boil. 

People´s reaction for 30 days:

• I think you chant less. (-- yeah sure why not)
• Are you even practicing? (--damn right i am just a shallow practitioner)
• Chant more (--yeah i did 10 hours yesterday, should i do more?)
• Come on lets go party (--Girl got work to do)
• I think you are doing it all wrong. (--exactly i am all wrong)
• You need to smile and be happy (damn you, who doesn´t want to be happy)

Practice in last 30 days:

• Byakuren regular
• Daimoku regular, free days reaching 4-10hours
• Study - 3-5 goshos daily, books by sensei
• Faith - well i bought my ticket and another for someone special without any news of my travel, luggage almost ready, definitely did it because i believed my practice

Take home message:

• When someone talks about their determinations, goals or desires kindly and sincerely learn to listen, respect because just because your dream is happy marriage doesn´t mean all the others want same. People are out there fighting for their dreams not because they are fancy or luxurious rather they know what they want and what is important to them. 
• As badly as you want your love of life, someone out their wants their dream job and someone wants only to live through the cancer. 
• Low life or someone not practicing is not a reason for you to lecture them. If someone comes to us and they put their trust is in, we need to learn to respect them and see what is the best we can do. Just telling to chant more is no solution, yes they might have to chant more but they might need that one person who believes in them, believes in their dream
• I have supported my friends in chanting for them, with them but i don´t believe in chanting more is any good answer. 

¨We need to be like winter with ourselves in practice and life that is strict and rigid but when it comes to other we need to be warm and compassionate like the warmth of sun¨  (Can´t recall the source, but this guidance if from sensei which was told to me in a stuyd in SGI Australia, never left my heart)

Look again, ask again and learn to listen more than giving free guidance to anyone

An open letter to anyone who needs to be listened, i am opening my doors to you, ping me if you need one person to trust you, to just listen to you or someone to just walk with you till you reach where you wish to reach. With love, Priya  

Stage 2: Victory towards November 18?

If you are in same boat and experiencing the earthquake in your own little word then keep up as soon we will enter to stage 2 and i will be back with stage 2 of this journey to November 18 victory.

Continued...

Roughly 2 weeks ago after a whole lot of concentrated daimoku, i started going through a stage filled with anger and so much more. And today after 2 weeks, i can say anger calmed down though i have changed my course of fight. I have realized a lot of things including how my heart to heart dialogue that changed course of my relationship while i have discovered my true friends who are equally holding on to my dream and victory to happen. People who seemed closed actually faded away as i grew as an individual and became more selective of people i chose to surround myself with. Don´t be scared of losing people is my one advice to anyone, when we go through our life, we need to understand who adds to our life and who really adds to our dreams and passion, and it is totally fine to grow out of love, friendhsip and so on. If one is on self growth then despite the hard path one will always come in union with mission of one´s life. Though, my gratitude goes to Gakkai, which has played a huge role while i indulged myself in weekly byakuren and more of sending daimoku to fellow members more than talking. 

• Change is non-attachment to people in my environment.
• Lack of hope but one´s dreams should be big enough that they scare you. So, yes i am scared to hell but then i tell myself ¨Faith has to win over fear¨. “Reply to Kyo’o”: “Misfortune will change into fortune. Muster your faith, and pray to this Gohonzon. Then what is there that cannot be achieved?” (WND-1, 412).
  
• Determination: More the people in my environment ask me to prepare for a back up plan, more determined and clear i feel about my goals. I know i am in a position where i am down in hope as well as physically with bad health timing but i am not quitting. 
• Nichiren writes, “Iron, when heated in the flames and pounded, becomes a fine sword” (WND-1, 303). He also says, “Put into flames . . . gold becomes pure gold” (WND-1, 497). Every effort we make now will eventually become our greatest treasure. Facing and overcoming adversity causes our lives to shine like a jeweled sword or like pure gold.
  

In this stage, all i can say is three obstacles and four devils and devil king of the heaven has appeared in its full glory to sap the happiness out of me but i am determined through my actions of continuous daimoku to push through this. I even got one free day during the week where i challenged myself to do 10 hour daimoku while over the weekend i pushed another 10 hour daimoku. At the end of all the hours i put in, i could feel myself whispering again ¨Yes things are going to happen and i will overcome this and i will prove to all that Mystic law is bigger than everything¨. A lot is at stake but there is no more BUT´s. 

Personal Power Prayer

I am not a person with fixed prayers, i always chant from heart like follow my heart and feel every prayer i have. Sometimes, i just follow every emotion i am going through as i don´t believe in opening my butsudan or chanting with a descriptive prayers that is not coming from my heart. This is my reason to be able to chant for 5 minutes to 10 hours. Despite this form of chanting, i have always held some prayers dear to my heart and truth is with each passing day they only got more profound. So here is my recipe to embrace this practice and expand my life in day to day basis:

POWER PRAYER

• I must believe in my gohonzon, i must trust it with all my heart. I entrust it with all my wishes and desires and i chant for these prayers to unite with my mission of bodhisattva of the earth. I chant to believe that i am a Buddha, i chant to have Buddha´s wisdom, Buddha´s mind, Buddha´s face, Buddha´s eyes, Buddha´s ears, Buddha´s voice and Buddha´s heart filled with compassion. I chant to live a life of Buddha with all Buddha´s actions in accord with Mystic law.

Power Prayer when deadlocked:

• Gohonzon surprise me with the limitless potential you hold for me and i seek the wisdom to embrace it and live with this potential each day with Buddha´s courage .

• Faith wins over fear

Power Prayer for relationships:

• I chant for both of our happiness to come in union with each other and universe. I chant for the true Buddha nature to emerge in both of us and create value in our lives and in lives of people we are connected to. 

How to deal with a broken heart

Want a job, love of your life or home follow ...Beauty, Benefit and Good

Mr. Makiguchi taught that there are three kinds of value: beauty, benefit and good. In the realm of employment, the value of beauty means to find a job you like; the value of benefit is to get a job that earns you a salary so that you are able to support your daily life; the value of good means to find a job that helps others and contributes to society. Mr. Toda once said, "Everyone's ideal is to get a job they like (beauty), that is financially secure (benefit), and where they can contribute to society (good)."

Personal take: I have come to believe that this guidance is actually a solution for all our desires including a life partner, or a dream home. Likely said, Buddhism is logic, a strong foundation of nothing but basic principles and no matter what question we have, this is the only answer. 

Beauty: job you like, person you like, home you like (physical characteristics, and qualities and so on)

Benefit: Good salary, Supportive companion with a proper understadning, respect and trust or Comfortable home (resulting into day to day peaceful life)

Good: Job that contributes to your and others happiness, relationship where 2 people grow together with extending that happiness to family and friends, Home that can be a place for kosen rufu like meetings or kaikan or just a place where anyone who comes to your place find themselves calm and happy

Mr. Toda explains, but not many people are able to find the perfect job for them from the start. For example, someone may have a job that they like, but it isn't putting food on the table, or their job pays well, but they hate it. That's the way things go sometimes. Then there are some who discover that they're just not cut out for the career they dreamt of and aspired to.

Personal take: It is as if one can find a home and realize that it has some old water pipe or electricity issues or no elevator for old parents and so on. In case or relationship, a happily in a love couple is not having fights everyday while they discover how they are so different in day to day life or one has grown in his or her own life and now two of them are no on same page anymore as if falling out of love.

Mr. Toda said that the most important thing is to first become an indispensable person wherever you are. Instead of moaning over the fact that a job is different from what you'd like to be doing, he said, become a first-class individual at that job. This will open the path leading to the next phase in your life, during which you should also continue doing your best. Such continuous efforts will absolutely land you a job that you like, one that supports your life, and allows you to also contribute to society.

Personal take: We all want big things, but we all shy away from working for it. When we want to become a CEO of a company we need to remember it is not happening overnight. One passes college and then gains experience over years to reach to that level. We will be making our own mistakes and we will be learning through our own unique mission. Similarly, right now when that dream home is not built we are working on by saving money, while thinking on how we would like to design it or what color theme one would like. When it comes to matters of love, we might think like where is he or she, i am so lonely or i miss someone to share my life with. Though if we want a strong companion we also need to work on becoming ourselves equally strong, or grow as an individual that our future partner would also feel like ¨ohh wow he/she is amazingly beautiful or a true inspiration or qualities that make us grow fond of each other¨. 

And then, when you look back later, you will be able to see all of your past efforts have become precious assets in your ideal field. You will realize that none of your efforts and hardships have been wasted . . .

To conclude, we need to improve ourselves as an individual wherever we are right now while the effort we put today is actually like building a strong foundation for our future. It is like even though we don´t know what we want or where we would like to be but the best we can focus is on what we have in front of us and eventually we will reach where we want to be.