Joy of March 11th daimoku campaign - Nam myoho renge kyo

It has been a long time since i shared my journey but today here i am. It's snowing in barcelona second time for this winter. And a perfect time to get cozy with my warm blanket and sofa and a cup of coffee.

A quick update on what has happened in past 4 months after my huge victory of november 18 with my successful PhD defense. Well i ran out of my visa, work contract so no money and yeah i don't come from a rich family :P and some huge health karma seeped back in and not to mention my recent break up. Above all my PhD work was still unpublished as well as the procedure to get my certificate was completely stuck.

So, my victory of PhD defense left me quite in shock and my body suddenly gave up as if the whole 4 year fight was over and i didn't know or maybe didn't feel like fighting anymore. I started doubting my victory but my immediate concern was my visa and unemployment situation.

It was monday just a week after my defense and i have been challenging each morning to chant with my flatmate from 6 to 7 am  just to have protection despite of all the doubts and not a single way out. But this  monday diamoku was not usual, in middle of daimoku i had a feeling that something is wrong with my appointment for unemployment office. Immediately after my daimoku i checked the date and i realised it was for same day not next day. I was shocked as if i missed my appointment then i would have no right to ask for unemployment. I sat for daimoku again realising i dont have a copy my work contract from last year and all i could do was send email to three people hoping they would get back with it. My daimoku continued and soon i got a copy of my contract from two of them within 30 minutes. Wonders didn't stop there, i continued with my 7 hour daimoku and even walking with daimoku to the office. After 30 minutes, and a magnificent experience with 3 woman who were nothing less then a Buddha with smiles, polite nature and even friendly conversations including fashion and buddhism, I left with tears of joy of real proof and protection from gohonzon with an approved unemployment despite of expired visa.
I continued with my other challenges as my health gave up and and my house was in very bad shape while i still didn't give my myself time to grieve over my broken heart. Through christmas and new year vacations i opened my house for members for almost everyday despite of my brother visiting me. I made a huge effort of doing byakuren duty on 1st Jan in morning session while enjoying my new year gongyo in evening session.
Suddenly in mid January I received my work permit with another 2 year permission though i only applied for 1 year. It was clearly an impossible to possible scenario.

I might have been a lost soul all this time with an acute clinical depression but rather than giving up i opened my house for marathon of daimoku throughout January. Soon enough my house got back into its original shape and it was a fully functioning home from everything broken. Not only this i got another day of spanish bureaucracy and i have to say it was another best experience while people were so helpful and understanding and i still managed to pay tax with a broken bank account while i renewed my visa with 100% victory. Once again i left with nothing but tears of gratitude and protection in midst of all.

February, i finally got time to grieve over emotional matters while i was still not sure who i am. It felt as if i have lost myself over past 3 months. I know everyone thought i am just wasting time or not looking for job but truth is the damage of 4 years was finally surfacing and my body had a strong reaction. I gained weight, went through insomnia and not to mention depression and anxiety were walking with me each day. Last few weeks, i went into a strong health regime which i have never done in my whole life just to be able to sleep, took two guidances but nothing touched my heart. Until, i got my first opportunity to share something in kaikan in spanish in front of everyone. I digged in my books and i was determined to find something that would touch my heart before telling others. Not to forget 3 months no matter what i read nothing moved me. Finally i found my heart and words that touched me, last wednesday i felt like myself after 4 long months. I felt like now i am ready to fight again and i was determined while soon i got dragged down with emotional matters with family. But this time i knew i am not going anywhere till gohonzon and i have a real dialogue. I participated in 4 meetings back to back including gosho, two discussion meetings and leaders meeting resulting i welcomed few more devils but as usual this time i wanted to dance with them. I found information on march 11 global daimoku campaign which so far wasn't informed to us. But despite of surviving on last few bucks i made sure to print out enough for my ywds and yesterday i cried with joy to see my group flourishing with so many ywds. My group which has never had more than 2 ywds at a point has now flourished to 6 ywds.

Global daimoku for March 11th campaign and my 7 year anniversary of my first meeting which was march 16th kosen rufu meeting itself, i can't find a way to not feel overwhelmed. I see youth from all around the world posting their pictures on instagram and i feel like crying with joy to be part of youth of soka. I seem to have put my issues way behind for now and my only prayer is for march 11th historic youth meeting. I chant for not a single youth to be left behind and we all will be celebrating our mission and our victories. I don't know where my life will be in coming days or a month or two but all i wish for is to live my life with Kaneko's smile and forge ahead like sensei to live upto my mission.

I don't know how you are feeling but i am overflowing with joy and happy tears with our mission of world peace. My emotions seems to have no boundaries and my daimoku is turning into a more and more profound dialogue with Gohonzon.

Happy Chanting

Real proof, real victory - Nam myoho renge kyo

Heads up, leave what you are doing as today i am going to stir your faith with my final chapter of PhD life. Get your coffee and find your quite corner otherwise whoever is bothering you, will end up crying as you are going to scream like run away, not now :P

After 7 years of practice, and past 4 years with nothing but human revolution and getting stronger in faith and focusing on becoming a better person has finally led to historic moment in my life, in my faith and yes every 7 years something big happens.

I was planned to do my thesis defense on 30th October, it is something like a court scene, jury is sitting and you get only 40-45 minutes to present your 4 years or work and then defend your work by answering questions for 1 hour or so. Later, the jury panel takes a decision on what grade of PhD you have done. And so i was all set to leave for India on 10th November and see my family after one year and half.

Little background from my last post. Though a lot of questions were still left to be answered. 3 and 1/2 weeks before my defense, i was told that it is cancelled as my professor from Germany was not able to submit my review due to his tight schedule... which resulted in cancellation of my defense date while i was about to run out of my visa on 14th November due to which my trip to India was planned a little before that.

Continuing...

My immediate reaction was to reach out to my finally which i rarely do, though this time gohonzon turned around my game. He directed me to learn how to lean onto my loved ones. I went back to work next day and the practice gave me strength to take it all on me. I didn´t complain to anyone, my emotions were going haywire with my body´s response but i kept looking ahead. At the end of the day, when i found that no one could help me out, so i decided to write an constructive email. It resulted into an indirect response with a little glimpse that review might be submitted in coming days but there was no direct response to my email. I went home and chanted and somehow survived another night. Next morning, i still got no response and sent another mail which resulted in a very negative reaction and it stirred me to the core. It was Wednesday, i was appointed for my byakuren duty in evening for 3 hours. I was clear with one thing in my head, no matter how shitty my situation is or how i can lose my 4 years of hard work in matter of a second, but nothing can come between me and my practice. I washed my crying face, switched my mind to Bodhisattva Priya and went to centre. I welcomed members with a big smile and did my duty to the best. I went again on Friday when centre is open again and chanted till the end. Still no confirmation and so weekend went soaked in gakkai activities and me only living as a Bodhisattva. Finally, Monday morning we got to know review is submitted but defense will be pushed to 10th of November. Right, exactly the day i was supposed to walk out of Spain. Gohonzon was working its own thing, i got worried on how to extend my visa and stay here longer. Another week spent in running to different people but nothing to rescue. I found two risky ways to find a way out. I tried applying for work permit all over again with no work contract and no surety about what might happen. I continued only one thing, living like a Bodhisattva, didn’t tell many people what was really going on with me. I steadfast in my faith, each time kaikan was open and i was there. Meanwhile, Thursday i got to know that the dream job i applied for, i didn’t get it. It was my breaking point, it broke me till inside as I was only holding on to that and chanting with a joy that yea gohonzon, you and I are finally going to Ireland and finally 4 year suffering has brought me this beautiful job and new country and new life. I was crying for few days but still kept the news between me and only 2-3 people. Immediately, on coming Sunday, I was supposed to go to Madrid for biggest zadankai where 1000 members were coming together from all over Spain, Portugal and even islands in near proximity. And my fundamental darkness was on surface so strongly that my body shut down, my face went blank and I knew I needed a time off but there was no break for me. As my financial karma has been on fire last year, I had to take overnight bus to be there next day for 2 hours meeting. I finally made it there and looking at all the YWD leaders, my fundamental darkness got haywire and I just wished to run away from there. Though when I got on stage with rest of the youth to sing the song, I saw those members out there and I knew it doesn´t matter how I feel personally, as I am part of something so big and how we all come together to work for becoming happiness and share this happiness that my personal emotions doesn’t even stand a chance. I soon left reminding myself that my big mission might seem inexistent to myself at this point of my life but i will continue my journey as a member of gakkai no matter what.

My return from Grand zadankai only resulted in more darkness and I had huge problems with fellow ywd leaders. But one thing I knew very clearly was that if I have lost my dream job and who knows what might happen with PhD, unemployment support or even when visa expires then I am done living a life of compromise. And I had courage to give up only thing I was left with and I gave up on my 2 and ½ year relationship. I knew I needed to discover who I am and what is really going to happen to me. This decision stirred a lot and only good thing out of this was that for first time neither I nor my boyfriend ran away without saying anything. I had courage to face the consequences of my decisions with the bullshit of present age that involves blocking the other person. I have chosen to stay by his side as a friend and beauty of everything is that he has started chanting and now I support him through my daimoku and I will let him discover his own journey with his own daimoku.

On the other hand, as my situation in gakkai was really hurting me and so, I finally reached out for a guidance from WD leader. I continued with byakuren duty and practice while I was told that everything starts from a dialogue. Soon, as my biggest cause I reached out to an YWD leader expressing my concerns and soon I got a fresh guidance from her. Even though there wasn’t much for me to really uplift me but just a simple act of expressing my emotions about members around me and my challenges made me feel so light as if the dark cloud of my own fundamental darkness got lifted immediately.

And finally, I did learn my biggest lesson which had made me go strong in gakkai as organization, even if I don´t like someone but for kosen rufu I should find just enough balance to not let kosen rufu be affected due to personal differences. I had 12 days ahead of me and so I determined to live each as a walk of 12 days from kamakura to Kyoto. And so I home visited the member who was acting as biggest function of devil king for obstructing my practice and making me feel worse after each meeting. I got real proof when this same person gave me her notes to help me study for my level 2 exam in gakkai. As I was under PhD issues, and endless problems so reading whole material in Spanish really took a back seat for me. Exam was going to happen on 5^th November in 3 days while on 10^th I had my defense. Meanwhile my presentation draft and my rehearsal for defense was a big failure and so much to be changed and still I was with no time to read material for exam. Despite my career priorities, I made a decision that I will focus only on exam and after that I will focus on my PhD defense. And, finally I wrote level 2 Buddhism exam in Spanish with my head set on doing it as my final biggest cause for my mission here.

Devils are my biggest friend, and so 3 days before my defense I got to know that my work permit application was required to show financial support for next year. As I had no money in account and I needed 6000 euros and I knew my game here is over. Without asking for help just knowing my situation my boss and friends showed up support thought it wasn´t enough. With all the problems on my plate I continued and soon, on 10^th November, I did my defense with my only prayer to have a voice clear as moon and be bright as the sun. I was fearless and I enjoyed those 2 hours of defense. I was given excellent grade from Spain while Magnum cum laude (great distinction) from Germany. So, yeah after 4 years I have two doctorates. In fact, I even got special remarks from external jury in person. I ended my day by going to kaikan and not to some celebration. You might wonder wow so she has what she wanted. Truth is, I didn’t feel anything like happiness despite all that. Rather, my body was finally shutting down and I could barely eat food for another 4-5 days.

Till on 12^th November, I got to be part of byakuren for level 1 exam and I cried out of joy to see how many people are really working towards becoming happy. That absolute happiness took over me and despite of weakness I stood in front lines as a byakuren. And, soon on 14^th November my visa was over and I found out that my work permit was rejected. I was wondering like gohonzon what is really going on. I went for my second risky way and another day went with another big hit as I was denied for that option as well. I started chanting with one thing in my head, if my mission is still here than I will see a real proof with my own eyes. Soon I shared my experience in last zadankai of this year and I found my colleague at work being moved by experience. As an audience at my defense she even told me how my defense was transmitted to her. She said exact same words that I had been chanting for all this time. That was first time I realized that I achieved my goal without even realizing. Meanwhile from 3 days even on weekend I and my flatmate took challenge to chant together for my legal situation from 6:30 to 7:30 am. And 2 days back, I chanted for 7 hours and I went to ask for unemployment with only one paper saying I have applied for work permit. I chanted to have buddha´s and shoten zenzin. When I reached there I was supposed to deal with 3 women and believe me or not but all three were truly buddha´s to me. I even ended up becoming friendly and making jokes with them. And I got my biggest real proof in 4 years and gohonzon actually showed me that my mission is still here while I was provided with unemployment support. I came home and got back to daimoku of gratitude it was the biggest proof I have seen in my last 4 years of stay in Spain. In fact last but not least, yesterday I got the news that the secret voting of Spanish PhD defense has given me highest grade of PhD as I aimed from last 3 years.

For now, I am still on with my visa renewal process while I don´t have to depend on my family for finances and I get some time to find for my new land of mission. Who knows what might happen but I have successfully send my PhD thesis copy to sensei as a token of my gratitude to him for standing by my side throughout this journey. I am not just a doctorate, i have actually become a person who doesn´t complain, or get angry yet sadness might get best of me but i have learn appreciate that about me as i am human. Pain is required at times to realize that we still have a heart and we still have something important left with us to lose which can cause pain. It took me 4 years to see a real concrete proof but i have only gone strong all these years with putting faith as first. 

Happy chanting.

What is Victory and why you should stop waiting for it? - Nam myoho renge kyo

I shared my journey... i shared how i have kept winning each day... i shared how our practice gives us the way to be victorious each day. I am just trying to learn from what sensei has done over the years.

My secret to find my smile in midst of all the challenges is my faith, it is how i have understood practice and the meaning of ¨Victory¨.

5 years back, a leader showed me the hard truth of my life that how selfish i am as i just couldn´t reach my goals. That day in fact even one month following that i struggled to even understand what he really meant. How can a person like me be nothing but selfish? He was right, i was only focused on reaching my goals, reaching those end results that only represented how my whole existence and happiness was dependent on something outside.

Fast forward to today, i am in most uncertain time of my life, being in foreign land and having no back. For many i am not okay or happy or any close to victory. But i know i have won already. Truth is in all the uncertainty, i am still OKAY. I don´t need world to see it that i have won today as i made it out of my bed, I am victorious each day in multiple ways. Believe me or not same goes for you. Just because dream, job, a perfect soul mate or love or money is not happening even then you can win each day. My biggest victory is my smile, the warmth i carry with me for people around me including strangers i walk by on streets or the lady who sat next to me in the bus. My smile and kindness and hope i shared with others through my eyes is how i win each day. We can´t keep waiting for days and months or even years in hope of someday it will happen or someday i will meet someone. Wake up tot the truth, opening that Butsudan and chanting each morning is like embracing the law that says ¨Chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is happiness¨. This absolute happiness is in your hands. I know you feel like crying and your heart aches as relative things didn´t work out as you wished but despite that when we start living our life as bodhisattva of the earth, we are already victorious.  I won the day I personally came to accept the truth that my face is a reflection of Soka Gakkai spirit, or my smile even on tough day shows how Buddhism helps me improve day to day life. Now that´s how i have seen real proof of practice. Proof is when at night i still have a bed to sleep in or some days have even the food. Some day’s just one person who can sit by my side. Victories have no name, they are what you think they are.

Reflect upon your journey, earlier i will have tough times and i will complain and stay sad till life wasn´t fixed. Now, i am conscious of my life, my emotions yeah may be i feel hurt but acceptance of my emotions doesn´t mean that my emotions have to control me. The concept of ¨Master your mind¨, put that into application and i have learnt to do this and i do it consciously each day. With all i am going through, i am come closer to my family, a hard core person like me has learnt to lean on to my family. That’s my victory. I have learnt to put my problems aside and be there for others. I have to continue living and enjoying those beautiful meetings.

The real meaning of our faith and how to apply in our daily life is explained again and again by sensei. In fact the book, discussion on youth talks about, ¨Drawing on the belief that every person has within them an “inexhaustible wellspring” of strength and wisdom, the authors assert that every difficulty, no matter how serious, are essential experiences to achieve a fuller, happier life. The most fulfilling way to live, they assert, is one spent for the happiness of both oneself and others.¨

Sensei has written his journey over the years explaining the hardships he had to go through and his spirit to go on without weighing his past or present in terms of victories. You know for me you are victorious when despite all you are going through or a night spent in tears yet you showed up next morning for the meeting with a smile on your face.

Sensei says, ¨ In society we find those who win and those who lose. Fortune and misfortune cannot be calculated. However, even if one wins, his elation will not last indefinitely. But a person of self-awakening, even if temporarily defeated, can go on to build a future vaster, broader, deeper and greater than that of the person who originally won. As long as one is not defeated fundamentally, he should continue step-by-step, confident of his eventual victory.¨

Fortune and misfortune cannot be calculated. However, even if one wins, his elation will not last indefinitely. But a person of self-awakening, even if temporarily defeated, can go on to build a future vaster, broader, deeper and greater than that of the person who originally won. As long as one is not defeated fundamentally, he should continue step-by-step, confident of his eventual victory.

Chanting diamoku is the only way to break deadlocks, whether of the body or the mind.

The sooner one knows the Mystic Law, the sooner he can attain happiness and peace. Even a day’s hesitation will cause a day’s delay of happiness and peace.

Only the Gohonzon enables us to solve everything. All I must do is reflect on my own faith, and whether or not I am committing any slander.

Now about your goals, well you will reach them if not today then tomorrow but all you got to do till then is live your life to the best and work on your human revolution. You can´t spent all this time weeping and only smiling in good times as that is no what Soka spirit is. Anyway, if you ask me but I don’t feel happy so how do I do it… remember what sensei said, ¨Gakkai activities are shortcut to the happiness¨

-Happy Chanting

Victory...i keep screaming victory - Nam myoho renge kyo

As I sit here looking outside the window of my office, cloudy day as if universe is trying to cheer me up while my heart breaks into zillion pieces. How fascinating it is, one heart which basically exists only to pump blood yet every time something happens in our life, we blame our heart. It crushes so hard and it seems impossible to breathe.

Let me tell you why on such a low day, I have decided to write my experience. Because it was me who told every single member I have ever supported in faith, to write your experience when you have nothing to feel gratitude for. Today, I miss being alive, miss my smile and all I  wana do is run and run harder till my legs give up and my heart screams stop and then open my butsudan and chant to embrace it all. When you live 6 years out of your own country and your home, you know people might remember you but everyone has learnt how to live without you. In the end, I have only one home and that is my butsudan.

Rewinding back to 1^st September seems stupid and useless in fact it seems as if it never existed. Anyhow, sit back and join me on this crazy journey I have been through.

It was a hard month especially with my load of financial karma. I went back to work, with running thoughts on how to manage finances while I was in middle of printing 12 thesis, defence registration and 1 week in conference in another country where I was supposed to pay everything on my own while reimbursement will happen at end of month. When I calculated all those expenditures, I knew I had no money for rent or food this month. I sat in front on my gohonzon thinking well my September karma is back, so what´s your plan this time. I sat for chanting only to seek out for protection. I needed nothing but protection no matter what might happen in coming days. Salary came, paid my bills and there I was with no money for conference as my thesis and defence registration were my bigger priorities. My life state was fine even though my brain and my financial limits were crushing my daily life. Soon, ways opened and I got financial support from my boss and my registration was paid directly from my scholarship. Though I have said it so easily, it is basically impossible to explain how I felt each day, each minute and my nights spent in nightmares. I am a proud person in financial matters like my mother. I choose to die of hunger but never ask for help. I just don’t know how to ask for help. My biggest human revolution this time was to speak up and trust other person to help me out. Even though I was worried that I will be degraded by this person though gohonzon made sure nothing like that happened. Above all, this September I actually made best of my bank balance. I changed my own negative karma into positive when I learnt how to manage expenses and still manage to save even if that meant just few bucks. Some unimaginable things happened, from transformation of relationship karma at work and for the first time I even got an opportunity to prepare study for my byakuren meeting and I did tough every single person´s heart.

While all that was happening, I didn’t know my PhD was soon gonna be in danger. Just How can I forget that Monda, a holiday. I didn´t wana do anything, I was slave of my female hormones and I was gonna sit on sofa whole day or even eat whole bucket of ice cream. Till my mobile made that beep sound and the title of the email ¨Problem with defence¨. That was it, I read it and I sat there in shock. My fight of past 4 years started flashing in front of my eyes as if I fought all this time for not even getting one single PhD title forget the double title. My biggest benefit in middle of all that was, I finally made a call, a call to my family which I have never done especially in tough times. At last, for first time in 28 years only people I thought of was my family, I told them how I felt, how broken I was… I had just my family who could feel my pain and even hear it through my tears. In that moment I knew, I had no one but my family, who can pick me up. Friends and love nothing was real in the toughest moment but it was my family.

Another benefit was, I went to work Tuesday knowing what has happened, knowing no one could do anything but I didn’t spit not a single word of complaint. I made a wise decision and then another stupid decision but that’s fine with me. I realized I am just girl, fighting with all her might to save her career as her career is all she had to survive in the harsh realities of the word. I kept running from one office to another to find any way to renew visa while I was denied rights to even receive government support for my period of unemployment.

You know what my victory was, that Wednesday I cried and then stopped my tears and told myself ¨I have byakuren duty today and this is not how a Buddha´s face look¨ and went to kaikan and opened door for members with a big smile as if I was the happiest person on the earth. I chanted with only one thought, I will overcome all this with pure protection as these obstacles can´t stop me from my mission to spread law. I don´t know if I can yet that I have won but yeah with that one prayer things moved, there is still nothing sure what might happen to my PhD or visa or unemployment but I just know I have gohonzon and I am going to hang on till I have to.

¨That Monday mail, made me realize how I have reached that 12^th day from  kamakura to kyoto, how it is darkest before dawn and how I must be doing something so right that I am facing such challenges and how much I have grown.¨ It has been hard, my fight with my depression and anxiety is going on daily basis but real proof is I am still hanging on. With the cherry on the top, my relationship karma is back and I know it´s not very optimistic view but for now I wanna sit up there in mountains, watching the sky, stars and may even let myself feel broken for a bit but I know my biggest victory is around the corner. Soon this whole 4 year mission will make sense to me… to be continued

P.S just hang on, if you need someone to listen to you, I am here, I will make sure you can go to sleep or give you a reason to wake up

2 AM walk in Barcelona

I wasn't wandering but just on my way back to home... knowing the streets as if i grew around here. I walked down the streets as if living in another age. My mind slipped down to memory lane. The first memory to fly off to another continent as if i was going to a nearby market... the night i dared myself and took off to club all alone, took some drinks and danced out for an hour...
the day i enjoyed the dancing there like a free spirit so free that i scared men away, they watched em move but no one dared to lead me...that night when my heart was broken and that guy just sat with me by lake explaining me his own shit love story while i walked home all alone... then again another man didn't dare walk me to my place...
the return  where they made me feel i never belonged there and made me more sure to better be alone, i kept going through my daily life touching lives, moving on, spreading smiles still never been good enough... all she wanted to do was control me but still i chose my way ...
that night with no food, then a year long lived in darkness, from unknown language to finding my voice, those tears and screams when i saw my favorite team, that magical night where the songs moved me, till tonight still finding me walking by myself... no witnesses, no companions, no tears and no joy. I just walked around the corner, the waiter said good night beautiful, i replied you too. He stumbled, blaming me for losing his focus, i smiled and left. A sudden twinkle of reflection, i am turning into a bird, starting to fly, finding my voice... who knows where i will be but tonight i needed to let my words flow. Who knows, who will make sense out of it, even if anyone will read it but i knew i needed to type... i am writing for myself tonight, some day someone might see it, someone might wana know me, someone might find me lovable, someone might actually love me, make me smile and hopefully before anyone it will be me.

a lonely soul, beautifully flawed wishing to watch over the sight of ocean and brightly lit moon in the night sky, with those arms around me because i know someone is there waiting for me like i am waiting for him... loving the love, ............but tonight its just another night but the silence keeps me awake and tomorrow will be a new day where i will work hard, wish harder and who knows what

sleep tight
KK

Faith results into protection and victories - Nam myoho renge kyo

Here we go again, before I lose everything I want to write this experience, if I do cross over this phase or let’s say when I will… I will share my biggest persecution I have been through till date in 6 years of practice.

2 months ago…

 4^th August, 1:00 AM I finally reached my home back in Barcelona now what… the feeling that was so strong that I just dragged myself to sofa tired yet no close to sleep with my an empty house, my Italian trip felt like a dream with no sense of reality. It felt as if I just woke up from a nice and happy dream and here I am back to my living hell. Physically speaking no one to lean on, a shoulder to cry upon or to share my laughter with. The silence of house made me wonder if I even have any future. Even the thought of reaching the end of PhD was sucking the life out me. Going back to India, with no job or even the idea to live again in India was killing me. Just the mere thought of losing my life, independent career and being interrogated by every person I will meet there, ¨so what now, are you getting married, you know its late you should look for some fucking asshole¨ … well my brain was on fire, rethinking on what I was going through seems so foolish in picture of today. Dammit who knew I have bigger persecutions waiting for me. Anyway my first 4 days were, me living on that sofa, watching TV and going out just to buy some salads to eat. I didn’t even care to eat properly. My depression and a cycle of negative thoughts were killing and the only thing I did was gongyo, I was so sick mentally that I could barely move from that sofa. In the end, I started chanting in heart and contacted a senior leader to chant together. I asked her if I can visit her. Mystically, same day I got another message from a member next to house. And there I was exactly 4 days on that sofa and I was getting ready to visit one member and later meeting another. That night after 2 meetings, I came back to same empty house but no more paranoid. Not only this with in next two days I opened my tiny room for daily daimoku for members from my group. Members came to my house for 10 days in a row and I opened my house twice a day.

During these 10 days, the only time I genuinely cherished my life was during those daimoku and later study sessions. I was supposed to do my thesis corrections based on external reviews and print them and send by 15^th August. Though on 16^th I and my colleague found that one of the external reviewer never received that thesis as well as all the shops to be able to print our thesis were shutdown till 21^st August. I was working day and night by now. With daimoku came protection and I got my final review in another two days. Finally, by the time shops were back in action, I was chanting to print my thesis under my financial limit plus no problems in final print. I continued with my daimoku from protection and somehow just one house before i was supposed to leave my house for printed, my word file crashed. I lost all the style format i had. I felt as if i couldn´t breathe in that moment. I continued chanting in heart and i made manual changed for another hour till i got my PDF version done. Soon, the real proof was in front when I found that the amount I am supposed to pay for thesis printing was exactly what I chanted for and copies very done without any surprise issues. Benefits didn´t end there… I finally sent my thesis and later even more was just around the corner. Meanwhile after 10 days daimoku at my place, another member felt motivated to open her house for 5 days to chant daimoku. Finally, the end of august brought me to realise how my only reason to live my life is my work while my foundation of faith has only made me better at what I do … I took 3 days break to cherish my thesis submission. Oh did I forget to tell you the same day I return from my 3 day break I found some papers were missing and with total protection and daimoku I submitted everything in 2 days though still no news on that. I got back to work wondering what might have happened, who knows what happened

To be continued…

Chanting for protection, unimaginable benefits - Nam myoho renge kyo

I prepared my black coffee and sat in front of my Buddhist altar other day. I was going through the comments of all those who read my last post. I have to say I have accumulated so much fortune knowing how so many of you send me love and wishes even know we haven´t met ever or only a few times. I have to say my last post moved me and my life. It was a beautiful Friday. I went to kaikan, chanted for 2 and half hours and eventually a beautiful evening filled with indian humor thanks to another indian friend and so much laughter. As you can see, I love sarcasm, craziness and laughter… my smile is all I am.

Thinking on my smile, I just recalled my experience from 26^th July onwards. If you recall, I had already bought my tickets to Italy with an impulsive decision without knowing how I will do it without much money or where I will stay and so on. What I didn´t mention is that on 23^rd july, my flatmate left for Italy and told me that she will come to airport to pick me up if she can arrange car or otherwise she explained be a bus route. I had my tickets for Naples, Italy while I had bus tickets for Rome for 3 days. During all this crazily busy days with me doing daimoku without any specific goals. The only thing I chanted for was ¨Protection¨. I still had no money to book for hotels in Rome. Suddenly just 2 days before my trip I found out about a Buddhist member living in Rome. She offered me to sleep at her place. So far, my luggage and my tickets were ready but mentally I had no expectations rather I was hoping that my first 3 day solo trip in Rome and Naples living with flatmate and her parents would be fine. As I didn’t wana be a burden on them.

25^th July: I was running for some basic stuff and doing packing even though I was so lazy to do anything. Suddenly, I realised that I was so tired physically and mentally that even thought of Italy wasn´t helping. As I felt more concerned on how it will go then being excited to travel. I knew it was my depression side that was trying to suck me in my darkness. I knew my budget was only certain XXX euros for 8 days there, and I already found my accommodation and all. Though my itinerary was still not clear as my main goal was to be able to go to kaikan/centre in Italy. By night somehow I tried to finish my packing while drying my wet shoes with a hairdryer :P Desperate measures at desperate times :P Eventually I forced myself to sleep knowing I only have 4 hours. In morning my inner darkness was stronger to not even give me energy to get up. Somehow I made it to airport, chanting till I reached airport, Welcome to fun part, there was such a long queue that I basically found myself standing in line for one hour thinking dammit my Italian trip would never happen. Finally, I begged 100 people ahead of me in the line to let me pass a si had only 10 minutes and I did make it to my plane. At last, reaching airport and seeing my flat mate and her dad so excited for coming to pick me up that it made me relax a little. And a whole new journey of benefits started coming through. I planned my trip in Italy after planning when and which days i will be going to kaikan. I changed my itinerary based on the availability of people with whom I could go to kaikan. Eventually I was in kaikan of Salerno and later in Rome. I even attended the ceremony of people receiving gohonzon and later a small get together at one of the members who received gohonzon.

Did I tell you, in Rome I stayed in the house of member not on a couch or something but she had a whole another apartment with my own privacy, double bedroom and so on. The list good things doesn’t stop there, I even could chant on her butsudan every single morning before leaving for whole day of tourism. On the other hand, staying with my flatmate was like a family holiday, her father will make our morning coffee and breakfast later we will chant for one hour and then go for tourism. I met so many people and members, in fact in Salerno, I could even lead chanting for few minutes later connected with one of the senior Byakuren who was feeling sick so lacked smile on her face but when she saw me. She was like you must be Byakuren as your smile says it all. I love how people recognize me for my smile and laugh. The spirit I carry and being the face of Buddha even in midst of challenges is like my biggest benefit of this practice. While the day of return was coming, I realized that these 8 days in Italy were first time I forgot about my PhD, Family or any responsibilities’ and had a truly kosen rufu holiday with so much happiness, benefits and eventually growing and doing my human revolution by putting practice as first even during vacation.

Oops, on the first day itself I received a mail regarding my work that one of my external reviewer had already read my thesis and send me a report. It was like a moment where I was relaxed as one thing was less to worry.  

In the end, last but not the least the best benefit that happened and that I didn´t even realised or think upon during those days was my financial karma. Like I said I had on xxx euros and now don´t be shocked my whole travel was basically covered in exactly those xxx euros. With no expenses of hotels or without counting money while I had to eat outside while tourism. In the end, my departure was filled with happy tears, my Italian mother who has always reminded me of my maternal grandmother had tears in her eyes and I knew, I have so many bonds in life to eb grateful for as well as my bond with my flatmate got profound.

Don´t worry I am not finished as benefits continued and for now we have reached 3^rd august and I will be back soon.

To be continued…