My new recipe to unfold victories even after years of deadlock

Here I am, sitting by my window, my favorite thinking spot and self-reflection time. I tightly hold onto my coffee mug with a sight of perfect sunset. I am all set to get down to reality and open about my biggest challenge. I would like you to make your tea or coffee, find your reading corner and sit down with me for next few minutes. This is going to be a ground breaking experience on my behalf. It has the power to unleash many victories for you as well in coming days. As I am about to give you an answer to why some of us are feeling stuck and others are having crystal clear victories…why?

I have always believed in enjoying the journey of human revolution and the path of unseen virtues leading to visible rewards as explained in Gosho (WND-1, 940). Victories will come and we will cherish them for barely few seconds and another strike of now what will happen. I have tried been an active YWD irrespective of my land of mission, language or cultural differences. I have been a very active byakuren in past 2 years and soon I will be graduating in coming months. From a shy byakuren without knowing Spanish, fear of dealing with technical stuff, today I am come far enough to deal with every challenge I face during activities. I have not only opened the door of Buddhist centre for newbies, visitors and especially contributed as a language translator for new members. Apart for this, late night meetings with fellow members due to our shared struggle on not having any time during day has been a great function throughout. I have seen people grow, won and do their human revolution. What I lacked to see was my own victories in terms of a clear real proof. I have heard endless experiences and people receiving gohonzon with my eyes filled with tears of joy. Yet, one question always haunted me, ¨What is it that I am not doing right? ¨ I went for multiple guidance with pioneers of gakkai here and later even in Germany. I raised same question again and again, ¨Same daimoku, same practice, more efforts yet I haven´t seen a breakthrough, please guide me where am I going wrong? ¨ ¨Why am I unable to change this impossible into possible? ¨ Answer: persevere, don’t be too harsh on yourself, you are putting too much pressure on yourself. I was told the same thing twice from two different leaders in two countries.

I had no clue what they meant by it, though I continued with my efforts without regressing even a bit. The only thing that kept me going was ¨you will see¨, words of a pioneer during one of those guidance. Every time I felt discouraged, I focused on these words.

Enlightenment:

It happened finally after 6 years of practice I was awaken and I found the big answer to my question. I have been begrudging my life without even realizing it. During one of the usual Buddhist discussion dinner, someone was talking about the gosho ¨14 slanders¨. At first I was taken aback as I feel the word ^Slander^ is very strong and personally I don’t like to use it at all. Yet I loved the discussion so took another step towards reading it for myself. As soon as I started reading it, I found a lecture on this particular gosho given in SGI UK. And there I was, awestruck of my own moment of enlightenment. In that moment, I know how I am too harsh on myself, I was begrudging my life. Believe it or not, suddenly every YWD, WD or even YMD anyone who has ever talked to me in their tough time, they all have been committing same error. We all begrudge our life just by comparing our own growth or victories by victories of others.

Let me break it down for us, I haven´t had that much fortune in getting sufficient results or conferences in 3 n half years like other PhD students did. I have been putting myself down because others had more results or oral presentations at international conferences. I forgot to appreciate, I have my mission and each obstacle I face right now or set back is actually my training for my big future. My efforts in gakkai are never going to waste likely said, not a single Nam-myoho-renge-kyo ever goes to waste. Similarly, my efforts will manifest on its own right time. It is exactly like the words told to me by my senior, ¨You will see¨. I never doubted these words.

To my surprise, on immediate understanding of my cause (comparing my life with others, is nothing but me begrudging my life. This is how I have been begrudging my Buddhahood, obviously I was suffering deep down due to later. Fast forward to present, here I am so much at peace with my life, I even got an invitation for an oral presentation last week. Also, suddenly my voice of Buddha and my heart of Buddha has been reaching out to many new people. I have become more empathetic with fellow YWDs and trying to make their victories as my own mission. The anxiety of what will happen might put me down at times though my heart only whispers ¨you will see, Priya¨.

Take home message:

No more comparison with fellow friends, or measuring my worth on a barometer set by society.

Comparison with anyone means we are putting ourselves down.

Comparison means we are begrudging our life.

Appreciation means victories, comparison means low life and delay in our happiness and victories

Buddha only knows appreciation, and advancing in our life.

Happy chanting 

What is faith?

I sat by my window, sipping on my coffee and looking at the world. While my heart and mind were just having an internal clash. I might have done my morning chanting for an hour yet i lacked hope. I could feel how i just wanted to sit by window whole day, doing nothing. My mind wandered from one thought to another till i hung by a question. Do i have faith? If yes then why don´t enjoy chanting or why i am unable to have a break through. Once i started thinking in this loop, there was no stopping. I immediately shake it off and go back to my room and took up gosho with intention to find what is faith? 

There i was jumping from one gosho to another with whole gosho marked with different colored markers. Suddenly, i asked myself; what am i doing? And at the back of mind, i was putting action. 

So there i was, Dammit Priya there is no definition of faith. Then, what is faith and how do i reach my goals...

Faith is action.

Faith is chanting whether i feel good or bad.

Faith is going to meeting even though my mind give 100 excuses for not going.

Faith is when i wake up and my first priority is to pick my coffee mug and sit down for chanting.

Faith is after 16 hour of long day, i reach home feeling dead tired yet i sit down do my evening gongyo before i can drift off to sleep.

Faith is when i choose to practice despite seeing any visible change in my situation.

Faith is not giving up.

Faith is not doubting each day why i am chanting.

Faith is letting it flow and enjoy my journey till i reach my goals.

Faith is reaching my goal but going back home for gratitude daimoku.

Faith is sharing this joy with rest of the world.

Faith is ACTION.

Do you have faith? Yes, you do. Even though you might be stuck and having irregular practice but reaching out to a leader. Even though you haven´t practiced in days, weeks or months but you go back to a leader or fellow member. Even though you return with a dozen of excuses, complaints and what not. But reaching out is a sign of having faith. You have faith and you have the hope, otherwise why would you even care to go back. 

Yes, faith is nothing but putting our practice in action.

Do you have faith?

We have same practice like you do.

We have same gohonzon like you do.

We have same daimoku like you do.

Then when the problem comes;

Why do some of you choose to call and talk?

Why do some of you choose to beg for daimoku?

Why do some of you choose to suffer and make others suffer with you?

A ground breaking point in my practice was when I understood meaning of independent faith and PRACTICE TOGETHER.

We encourage members to meet other members. But we encourage for practicing together not crying together. We don´t say ¨talk¨ rather we say STUDY TOGETHER. 

We encourage you to win together and strive together. We don´t encourage you to call and talk every time a bomb falls on you. 

We encourage you to take guidance and may be take support of members. We don´t encourage you to get clingy or start begging for daimoku.

Now once again i ask you, do you have faith? If you said yes but you are acting otherwise (doing things we don´t encourage), then i would have to ask you again. Do you have faith?

I have faith means; i will go to gohonzon when problem or victory comes. I will put more daimoku rather then begging for daimoku. I might be in tough moment but i will work on pillars of faith, practice and study. If i feel lost, i will seek guidance not to complain practice rather to have a clear direction on how to proceed. 

Yes, you can call each other and may be share your problem. BUT don´t use this person as a way to vent out. Learn to grow in faith, support each other by reading sensei´s guidance or gosho together. Focus on advancing not on talking in circles filled with complains or excuses. 

Now, DO YOU HAVE FAITH? YES. 

What will you do when problem comes? I will chant, study and act. If i feel like giving up, I will reach out for guidance and practice more with fellow members. 

Mind it! Practice together - daimoku, study and soka gakkai activities.

One secret for making impossible to possible

Yesterday was a groundbreaking day for self reflection, shaking my resurfaced karma with Gakkai members and so much more.

I have been putting a huge amount of effort in taking care of my place where i put my Butdusan and things like printing NMRK cards, ordering extra liturgy books to give away to new members and so on.

Without losing any time, here goes my ground breaking realization:

If we go full force for working for the law of cause and effect then life will naturally start falling in place. Challenges will come and we will overcome then too. So the only truth is,

¨Our tendency is to live life and practice to make life work BUT the secret is, Live the practice
and rest all will workout. ¨

Last weeks, my only priority was to attend every meeting i had every single day whether daimoku at 9:30 pm or reaching center for byakuren or supporting a fellow member with one message or phone call. Result, i was more productive at work and things started shaping up on their own. Yes i worked, i put my actions yet it worked out as my priority is my practice.

By default, we put our practice either as a last priority saying if i have time i will chant or go for a meeting. We put everything first and buddhism last. But that´s the reason we have doubts or we fall often. Buddhism is a 24 x 7 practice, if we live it as our only priority then rest of the priorities like life, health, fiance or career will naturally fall in place.

Give it a try and experience what you haven´t experienced yet.

Happy chanting

The journey of Human Revolution

Day after day, something moves in me. Day after day, something stirs me up. Day after day, I keep falling and rising again. And day after day, I keep chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and practicing harder.

I faced many challenges and I overcame some while others I know those victories are in process. Sometimes we don´t see any real proof but is it really true? I worked hard to challenge my work karma but still I feel as if I have not moved even an inch closer to them, forget about making that impossible into possible. Not only this, two months back a lot of things have changed. My personal life in Spain has always circled around Gakkai people. And when those relationships took a down fall, my life took it too. This strong shift not only left me feeling lonely but at first I lost my capability to trust gakkai members again.

Interestingly, with my continuous practice, I came to a realization that it is not first time when something like this happened. 3 years ago, my life was soaked with people at my work place. I lived with them, cooked with them and I got confused between work relationships as friendship. So, once again I felt like my karma from past was resurfacing but this time in Gakai. My immediate instinct was I need to learn something from this or this negative cycle won´t leave me in peace.

Therefore in past few weeks, I spent fighting my inner devils and kept facing the decline, disgrace, censure, or suffering (the four adverse winds) (Ref, Gosho: The Eight Winds, vol 1.). It started with my gakkai or personal life in Spain which later own extended of becoming visible from invisible at work. I have always kept my head down and mouth shut at work. But this year it was different, I started a journey of building a better me. In result, things like how I carried myself, how I voiced my opinions or ideas or asking questions in group meetings brought me in lime light. Suddenly, people knew I exist and at times I got some looks as well. At first, as I was in my own emotional turmoil and facing wind of huge human revolution, I got affected with movements at work as well. Then, my experiments at work failed all over again and I lost hope of ever changing my situation. Until, I pushed harder in gakkai and rise above it.

Actions: I have been working 11-16 hours per day depending on the work situation, later even if I reach home at 9:30 pm I had one activity per day for last 2 weeks. While this week was a bit slower yet it is invested in gakkai as I got some intense guidance last Sunday and all my force is to put that guidance into action.

Observation:

1. I have learnt the importance of never mixing work with personal life and similarly in gakkai. I meet or talk to members as fellow members, support them or they support me but only in terms of faith.

2. After 3 year and half, I have cordial relationships at work and I focus on work by working one day at a time. Honestly, my work is moving forward though soon I will be challenging impossible into possible every day in coming weeks.

3. With Gakkai, I am more and more grounded with my goals to work in rhythm with this law. Result, I shared this philosophy with 5 people at work and 2 are already practicing. While one is in my group and other is out of Barcelona, thanks to her I went to her group and got connected with more members

4. Talk about family, my mother who was once against my practice these days she is sharing with me words of Daisaku ikeda gakkai books. My father goes to meetings and my sister is already a practitioner is walking her own path.

Conclusion

Yes, there is no denying to the fact that we all want to overcome challenges and share our victory. But, just reaching one goal doesn´t liberate us from our fight or suffering. As soon as we overcome one problem, another is already waiting for us. Yes, it is easy to smile on the day you reached your goal or win over your problems, but Buddhism is a practice of every day. We need to win each day no matter where we are. We shouldn’t forget, Buddhism teaches about, ¨how we live our life¨. Each day I take a step forward, some days feel like as if I am walking backward. Some days are just hard and life doesn´t make sense. But Life is not about making sense, life is about living it and growing through the process. While life was falling apart, my faith got stronger so does my goals for Gakkai. I know I can´t see my goals in sight but something has changed that I am able to share this practice with people at my work place which never seemed possible. People talk to me, as I listen and talk to them with Ikeda´s spirirt , heart to heart dialogue. I feel the strong wind of obstacles which is a sign that I am not only growing more and more but also I am moving forward.

Take a minute today and be grateful to the winds you are facing, observe how our way of talking or listening and supporting others have changed over years or months. From a girl who couldn´t even speak Spanish forget about reading Gakkai magazines in Spanish today I not only read, but I feel those words and I share it with people. I know I am changing for better and believe so are you. We are victorious already as we fight each day and wake up with new spirit.

Happy chanting

Honesty leads to breakthroughs

How often are we told that never pretend in front of  the Gohonzon? How often we are told, Buddhism is logic? Does this logic is simple mathematics of cause and effect or there is more to it?

In daily life, we struggle through emotions of daily life, some situations or people have overwhelming effect on us. Personally, I am a very sensitive person even a slight incident or just one word from my boss, or colleague or a friend can leave me in despair. I overthink, i criticize myself and i keep putting myself down. But how can i apply buddhism in such daily situations?

Last few weeks, i struggled with a particular case of always ending up in conversation where other person raises their voice and get defensive while criticizing me. Result, i don´t even get to express myself. It left me feeling more vulnerable and eventually i would get distant.  At first, i thought my negative karma from past is resurfacing and it really hit me. But i have been doing regular and rather intense practice past week but something wasn´t making sense. Do you ever found yourself, chanting and doing activities yet feeling low and blocked? It feels like you lost your mojo, there is no flow at work despite of you doing things and taking steps to grow.

Answer is nothing but lack of honesty. Honesty here refers to, how consistent are we, did we do our daimoku or meetings out of habit, are we just continuing our life & practice without really acting accordingly. For example, I know my USA vacation was with a dip in my practice, that behavior of negligence in starting days there, is now catching up on me. Even a slight laziness or lack of consistent practice will catch up on us by devils seeping in through little holes we leave behind. I left those holes back in last december, later those wholes only got bigger with a slight miss on daimoku once in a while when i was dead tired due to 15 hours of work or merely lacking spirit of bodhisattva at times. Devils were already in and now they have been just making it harder for me to catch up. All i knew was it is time to push harder, so i did 2 meetings at start of this week and met many members yet personally my daimoku was without the joy i usually feel. I have another meeting tonight and byakuren tomorrow and then 2 meetings over the weekend. Each time i push through, i face another obstacle like yesterday more self- doubt.

This morning, i got up and chanted like most of my mornings for an hour. But one thing was different with my daimoku last days, i was HONEST. I chanted with acceptance and realization that where i lacked. I knew where the dirt was and so i chanted to clean it. Honesty is knowing the dirt is there and acknowledging to it, to be able to clean it. Its like we need to know what is dirty in house and where to be able to clean it. With this form of daimoku, I finally enjoyed my solo daimoku, vibration in my voice, it just sounded like i don´t want to stop. Well i had to but it gave me some wisdom i was seeking.  I knew i had to talk to a friend about it who i always found a good source of brainstorming for me. Talking to her makes me filter my own thoughts in Buddhist way and find my own answers. Eventually i realised, devils may have seeped in but i am fighting them head on. My progress might seem like walking backwards but truth is i am pushing forward and i am out of my comfort zone. Suddenly, from me being invisible, i am visible and it´s not easy for me after all my mind is protecting me by telling me its your your safe or comfort zone.

Birthday Blues

So yesterday was my birthday (no need to wish, i hate formalities ;)) 

The word ¨Birthday¨ itself comes with a lot of expectations like family celebrations or spending time with someone special and everyone giving you special treatment, more love and more care. The ideal picture shows lots of happiness, love and fun. 

While over the years for me it only got worse, I get birthday blues and knowing once again some big tragedy would be happening and there will be nothing like happiness forget about celebration. Year by year those expectations were thrown into garbage, till I was the one not even remembering my own birthday. As I moved away which was not very much different due to my pretty lonely life, those fake smiles turned into fake smileys with one line wishes, ¨Happy birthday, party hard or have a blast¨. The more I hated these phrases more I took a back seat in wishing people with similar fake shit.

I don´t think i know anyone who hates their birthday but I do. It is the most haunting day in my life while 100 people ask me same question ¨what are my plans? ¨, i am holding my sadness, anger and so much inside and trying to be polite by saying nothing special. It doesn´t stop there they try to barge in with free advice and comments like why not, it is your day, you should party and have fun, why are you sad on such a beautiful day and so on. I am not sorry to say that yes I am sad and I don´t think I owe you any answer for that. Do people even realize that it has been a whole year and we haven´t talked and today you give me wishes on the name of bloody formality. What makes you think I care anymore?   Every year same story and with each birthday it felt worse, not because I don’t like getting old which I surprisingly love but it was just hard answering those stupid questions. But yesterday was a little different.

I woke up with my phone filled with some honest while rest of the fake shit. Deeply, I would wish for this day to never exist or I just don´t want to be depressed again. I kept pushing myself in my head it is just a normal day. Soon early morning phone call from mom gave me my first wishes while some people wish me like they are even ashamed of telling me happy birthday. I started my day like every day, did my chanting where I cried and let go of the pain and soon I got ready while left my phone on charging. I went on with my morning chores and left for my bus and suddenly my phone beeps and I was reminded again that it was the big day. I realized how easy it is that I no more remember it, how peaceful life is without those expectations from the childhood stories. I started my day at work, some wished and some neglected but I was okay. It had no more effect on as I knew soon it will be over. I ended my day on planning for the week ahead, meal prepping and finally another Buddhism meeting at my home. Everyone acted normal as no one knew it was the D-Day. I slipped into bed, read for some time and I was in my awe that how it was like just another day with no drama, no expectation. I guess it´s good to have a past where expectations were never met. As yesterday, I was okay just being me and living my normal life with no one special or anything special about me or the day. I was genuinely at peace as I know who I am and I am perfectly fine with it and I have no desire to hold onto the vision of life which rest of the world is holding.