What is Victory and why you should stop waiting for it? - Nam myoho renge kyo

I shared my journey... i shared how i have kept winning each day... i shared how our practice gives us the way to be victorious each day. I am just trying to learn from what sensei has done over the years.

My secret to find my smile in midst of all the challenges is my faith, it is how i have understood practice and the meaning of ¨Victory¨.

5 years back, a leader showed me the hard truth of my life that how selfish i am as i just couldn´t reach my goals. That day in fact even one month following that i struggled to even understand what he really meant. How can a person like me be nothing but selfish? He was right, i was only focused on reaching my goals, reaching those end results that only represented how my whole existence and happiness was dependent on something outside.

Fast forward to today, i am in most uncertain time of my life, being in foreign land and having no back. For many i am not okay or happy or any close to victory. But i know i have won already. Truth is in all the uncertainty, i am still OKAY. I don´t need world to see it that i have won today as i made it out of my bed, I am victorious each day in multiple ways. Believe me or not same goes for you. Just because dream, job, a perfect soul mate or love or money is not happening even then you can win each day. My biggest victory is my smile, the warmth i carry with me for people around me including strangers i walk by on streets or the lady who sat next to me in the bus. My smile and kindness and hope i shared with others through my eyes is how i win each day. We can´t keep waiting for days and months or even years in hope of someday it will happen or someday i will meet someone. Wake up tot the truth, opening that Butsudan and chanting each morning is like embracing the law that says ¨Chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is happiness¨. This absolute happiness is in your hands. I know you feel like crying and your heart aches as relative things didn´t work out as you wished but despite that when we start living our life as bodhisattva of the earth, we are already victorious.  I won the day I personally came to accept the truth that my face is a reflection of Soka Gakkai spirit, or my smile even on tough day shows how Buddhism helps me improve day to day life. Now that´s how i have seen real proof of practice. Proof is when at night i still have a bed to sleep in or some days have even the food. Some day’s just one person who can sit by my side. Victories have no name, they are what you think they are.

Reflect upon your journey, earlier i will have tough times and i will complain and stay sad till life wasn´t fixed. Now, i am conscious of my life, my emotions yeah may be i feel hurt but acceptance of my emotions doesn´t mean that my emotions have to control me. The concept of ¨Master your mind¨, put that into application and i have learnt to do this and i do it consciously each day. With all i am going through, i am come closer to my family, a hard core person like me has learnt to lean on to my family. That’s my victory. I have learnt to put my problems aside and be there for others. I have to continue living and enjoying those beautiful meetings.

The real meaning of our faith and how to apply in our daily life is explained again and again by sensei. In fact the book, discussion on youth talks about, ¨Drawing on the belief that every person has within them an “inexhaustible wellspring” of strength and wisdom, the authors assert that every difficulty, no matter how serious, are essential experiences to achieve a fuller, happier life. The most fulfilling way to live, they assert, is one spent for the happiness of both oneself and others.¨

Sensei has written his journey over the years explaining the hardships he had to go through and his spirit to go on without weighing his past or present in terms of victories. You know for me you are victorious when despite all you are going through or a night spent in tears yet you showed up next morning for the meeting with a smile on your face.

Sensei says, ¨ In society we find those who win and those who lose. Fortune and misfortune cannot be calculated. However, even if one wins, his elation will not last indefinitely. But a person of self-awakening, even if temporarily defeated, can go on to build a future vaster, broader, deeper and greater than that of the person who originally won. As long as one is not defeated fundamentally, he should continue step-by-step, confident of his eventual victory.¨

Fortune and misfortune cannot be calculated. However, even if one wins, his elation will not last indefinitely. But a person of self-awakening, even if temporarily defeated, can go on to build a future vaster, broader, deeper and greater than that of the person who originally won. As long as one is not defeated fundamentally, he should continue step-by-step, confident of his eventual victory.

Chanting diamoku is the only way to break deadlocks, whether of the body or the mind.

The sooner one knows the Mystic Law, the sooner he can attain happiness and peace. Even a day’s hesitation will cause a day’s delay of happiness and peace.

Only the Gohonzon enables us to solve everything. All I must do is reflect on my own faith, and whether or not I am committing any slander.

Now about your goals, well you will reach them if not today then tomorrow but all you got to do till then is live your life to the best and work on your human revolution. You can´t spent all this time weeping and only smiling in good times as that is no what Soka spirit is. Anyway, if you ask me but I don’t feel happy so how do I do it… remember what sensei said, ¨Gakkai activities are shortcut to the happiness¨

-Happy Chanting

Victory...i keep screaming victory - Nam myoho renge kyo

As I sit here looking outside the window of my office, cloudy day as if universe is trying to cheer me up while my heart breaks into zillion pieces. How fascinating it is, one heart which basically exists only to pump blood yet every time something happens in our life, we blame our heart. It crushes so hard and it seems impossible to breathe.

Let me tell you why on such a low day, I have decided to write my experience. Because it was me who told every single member I have ever supported in faith, to write your experience when you have nothing to feel gratitude for. Today, I miss being alive, miss my smile and all I  wana do is run and run harder till my legs give up and my heart screams stop and then open my butsudan and chant to embrace it all. When you live 6 years out of your own country and your home, you know people might remember you but everyone has learnt how to live without you. In the end, I have only one home and that is my butsudan.

Rewinding back to 1^st September seems stupid and useless in fact it seems as if it never existed. Anyhow, sit back and join me on this crazy journey I have been through.

It was a hard month especially with my load of financial karma. I went back to work, with running thoughts on how to manage finances while I was in middle of printing 12 thesis, defence registration and 1 week in conference in another country where I was supposed to pay everything on my own while reimbursement will happen at end of month. When I calculated all those expenditures, I knew I had no money for rent or food this month. I sat in front on my gohonzon thinking well my September karma is back, so what´s your plan this time. I sat for chanting only to seek out for protection. I needed nothing but protection no matter what might happen in coming days. Salary came, paid my bills and there I was with no money for conference as my thesis and defence registration were my bigger priorities. My life state was fine even though my brain and my financial limits were crushing my daily life. Soon, ways opened and I got financial support from my boss and my registration was paid directly from my scholarship. Though I have said it so easily, it is basically impossible to explain how I felt each day, each minute and my nights spent in nightmares. I am a proud person in financial matters like my mother. I choose to die of hunger but never ask for help. I just don’t know how to ask for help. My biggest human revolution this time was to speak up and trust other person to help me out. Even though I was worried that I will be degraded by this person though gohonzon made sure nothing like that happened. Above all, this September I actually made best of my bank balance. I changed my own negative karma into positive when I learnt how to manage expenses and still manage to save even if that meant just few bucks. Some unimaginable things happened, from transformation of relationship karma at work and for the first time I even got an opportunity to prepare study for my byakuren meeting and I did tough every single person´s heart.

While all that was happening, I didn’t know my PhD was soon gonna be in danger. Just How can I forget that Monda, a holiday. I didn´t wana do anything, I was slave of my female hormones and I was gonna sit on sofa whole day or even eat whole bucket of ice cream. Till my mobile made that beep sound and the title of the email ¨Problem with defence¨. That was it, I read it and I sat there in shock. My fight of past 4 years started flashing in front of my eyes as if I fought all this time for not even getting one single PhD title forget the double title. My biggest benefit in middle of all that was, I finally made a call, a call to my family which I have never done especially in tough times. At last, for first time in 28 years only people I thought of was my family, I told them how I felt, how broken I was… I had just my family who could feel my pain and even hear it through my tears. In that moment I knew, I had no one but my family, who can pick me up. Friends and love nothing was real in the toughest moment but it was my family.

Another benefit was, I went to work Tuesday knowing what has happened, knowing no one could do anything but I didn’t spit not a single word of complaint. I made a wise decision and then another stupid decision but that’s fine with me. I realized I am just girl, fighting with all her might to save her career as her career is all she had to survive in the harsh realities of the word. I kept running from one office to another to find any way to renew visa while I was denied rights to even receive government support for my period of unemployment.

You know what my victory was, that Wednesday I cried and then stopped my tears and told myself ¨I have byakuren duty today and this is not how a Buddha´s face look¨ and went to kaikan and opened door for members with a big smile as if I was the happiest person on the earth. I chanted with only one thought, I will overcome all this with pure protection as these obstacles can´t stop me from my mission to spread law. I don´t know if I can yet that I have won but yeah with that one prayer things moved, there is still nothing sure what might happen to my PhD or visa or unemployment but I just know I have gohonzon and I am going to hang on till I have to.

¨That Monday mail, made me realize how I have reached that 12^th day from  kamakura to kyoto, how it is darkest before dawn and how I must be doing something so right that I am facing such challenges and how much I have grown.¨ It has been hard, my fight with my depression and anxiety is going on daily basis but real proof is I am still hanging on. With the cherry on the top, my relationship karma is back and I know it´s not very optimistic view but for now I wanna sit up there in mountains, watching the sky, stars and may even let myself feel broken for a bit but I know my biggest victory is around the corner. Soon this whole 4 year mission will make sense to me… to be continued

P.S just hang on, if you need someone to listen to you, I am here, I will make sure you can go to sleep or give you a reason to wake up

2 AM walk in Barcelona

I wasn't wandering but just on my way back to home... knowing the streets as if i grew around here. I walked down the streets as if living in another age. My mind slipped down to memory lane. The first memory to fly off to another continent as if i was going to a nearby market... the night i dared myself and took off to club all alone, took some drinks and danced out for an hour...
the day i enjoyed the dancing there like a free spirit so free that i scared men away, they watched em move but no one dared to lead me...that night when my heart was broken and that guy just sat with me by lake explaining me his own shit love story while i walked home all alone... then again another man didn't dare walk me to my place...
the return  where they made me feel i never belonged there and made me more sure to better be alone, i kept going through my daily life touching lives, moving on, spreading smiles still never been good enough... all she wanted to do was control me but still i chose my way ...
that night with no food, then a year long lived in darkness, from unknown language to finding my voice, those tears and screams when i saw my favorite team, that magical night where the songs moved me, till tonight still finding me walking by myself... no witnesses, no companions, no tears and no joy. I just walked around the corner, the waiter said good night beautiful, i replied you too. He stumbled, blaming me for losing his focus, i smiled and left. A sudden twinkle of reflection, i am turning into a bird, starting to fly, finding my voice... who knows where i will be but tonight i needed to let my words flow. Who knows, who will make sense out of it, even if anyone will read it but i knew i needed to type... i am writing for myself tonight, some day someone might see it, someone might wana know me, someone might find me lovable, someone might actually love me, make me smile and hopefully before anyone it will be me.

a lonely soul, beautifully flawed wishing to watch over the sight of ocean and brightly lit moon in the night sky, with those arms around me because i know someone is there waiting for me like i am waiting for him... loving the love, ............but tonight its just another night but the silence keeps me awake and tomorrow will be a new day where i will work hard, wish harder and who knows what

sleep tight
KK