Honesty leads to breakthroughs

How often are we told that never pretend in front of  the Gohonzon? How often we are told, Buddhism is logic? Does this logic is simple mathematics of cause and effect or there is more to it?

In daily life, we struggle through emotions of daily life, some situations or people have overwhelming effect on us. Personally, I am a very sensitive person even a slight incident or just one word from my boss, or colleague or a friend can leave me in despair. I overthink, i criticize myself and i keep putting myself down. But how can i apply buddhism in such daily situations?

Last few weeks, i struggled with a particular case of always ending up in conversation where other person raises their voice and get defensive while criticizing me. Result, i don´t even get to express myself. It left me feeling more vulnerable and eventually i would get distant.  At first, i thought my negative karma from past is resurfacing and it really hit me. But i have been doing regular and rather intense practice past week but something wasn´t making sense. Do you ever found yourself, chanting and doing activities yet feeling low and blocked? It feels like you lost your mojo, there is no flow at work despite of you doing things and taking steps to grow.

Answer is nothing but lack of honesty. Honesty here refers to, how consistent are we, did we do our daimoku or meetings out of habit, are we just continuing our life & practice without really acting accordingly. For example, I know my USA vacation was with a dip in my practice, that behavior of negligence in starting days there, is now catching up on me. Even a slight laziness or lack of consistent practice will catch up on us by devils seeping in through little holes we leave behind. I left those holes back in last december, later those wholes only got bigger with a slight miss on daimoku once in a while when i was dead tired due to 15 hours of work or merely lacking spirit of bodhisattva at times. Devils were already in and now they have been just making it harder for me to catch up. All i knew was it is time to push harder, so i did 2 meetings at start of this week and met many members yet personally my daimoku was without the joy i usually feel. I have another meeting tonight and byakuren tomorrow and then 2 meetings over the weekend. Each time i push through, i face another obstacle like yesterday more self- doubt.

This morning, i got up and chanted like most of my mornings for an hour. But one thing was different with my daimoku last days, i was HONEST. I chanted with acceptance and realization that where i lacked. I knew where the dirt was and so i chanted to clean it. Honesty is knowing the dirt is there and acknowledging to it, to be able to clean it. Its like we need to know what is dirty in house and where to be able to clean it. With this form of daimoku, I finally enjoyed my solo daimoku, vibration in my voice, it just sounded like i don´t want to stop. Well i had to but it gave me some wisdom i was seeking.  I knew i had to talk to a friend about it who i always found a good source of brainstorming for me. Talking to her makes me filter my own thoughts in Buddhist way and find my own answers. Eventually i realised, devils may have seeped in but i am fighting them head on. My progress might seem like walking backwards but truth is i am pushing forward and i am out of my comfort zone. Suddenly, from me being invisible, i am visible and it´s not easy for me after all my mind is protecting me by telling me its your your safe or comfort zone.

Birthday Blues

So yesterday was my birthday (no need to wish, i hate formalities ;)) 

The word ¨Birthday¨ itself comes with a lot of expectations like family celebrations or spending time with someone special and everyone giving you special treatment, more love and more care. The ideal picture shows lots of happiness, love and fun. 

While over the years for me it only got worse, I get birthday blues and knowing once again some big tragedy would be happening and there will be nothing like happiness forget about celebration. Year by year those expectations were thrown into garbage, till I was the one not even remembering my own birthday. As I moved away which was not very much different due to my pretty lonely life, those fake smiles turned into fake smileys with one line wishes, ¨Happy birthday, party hard or have a blast¨. The more I hated these phrases more I took a back seat in wishing people with similar fake shit.

I don´t think i know anyone who hates their birthday but I do. It is the most haunting day in my life while 100 people ask me same question ¨what are my plans? ¨, i am holding my sadness, anger and so much inside and trying to be polite by saying nothing special. It doesn´t stop there they try to barge in with free advice and comments like why not, it is your day, you should party and have fun, why are you sad on such a beautiful day and so on. I am not sorry to say that yes I am sad and I don´t think I owe you any answer for that. Do people even realize that it has been a whole year and we haven´t talked and today you give me wishes on the name of bloody formality. What makes you think I care anymore?   Every year same story and with each birthday it felt worse, not because I don’t like getting old which I surprisingly love but it was just hard answering those stupid questions. But yesterday was a little different.

I woke up with my phone filled with some honest while rest of the fake shit. Deeply, I would wish for this day to never exist or I just don´t want to be depressed again. I kept pushing myself in my head it is just a normal day. Soon early morning phone call from mom gave me my first wishes while some people wish me like they are even ashamed of telling me happy birthday. I started my day like every day, did my chanting where I cried and let go of the pain and soon I got ready while left my phone on charging. I went on with my morning chores and left for my bus and suddenly my phone beeps and I was reminded again that it was the big day. I realized how easy it is that I no more remember it, how peaceful life is without those expectations from the childhood stories. I started my day at work, some wished and some neglected but I was okay. It had no more effect on as I knew soon it will be over. I ended my day on planning for the week ahead, meal prepping and finally another Buddhism meeting at my home. Everyone acted normal as no one knew it was the D-Day. I slipped into bed, read for some time and I was in my awe that how it was like just another day with no drama, no expectation. I guess it´s good to have a past where expectations were never met. As yesterday, I was okay just being me and living my normal life with no one special or anything special about me or the day. I was genuinely at peace as I know who I am and I am perfectly fine with it and I have no desire to hold onto the vision of life which rest of the world is holding. 

My environment is the key to my human revolution

Buddhism is logic, buddhism is reason and buddhism is me becoming my best by accepting where I am. 

Last month, a series of things happened while some incidents were like an eye opener of how far I have come, some moved the earth under my feet and some reflected how I am lacking the courage to act or I am trying to settle for less. I know I am not home yet, this country, this city or this place is not my calling as I still yearn for the smile and gratitude I witnessed in my past. Today, I sit here thinking on that beautiful journey realizing how that memory is still alive and how I am alive when I try to remember those days. Just 3 months in whole 28 years of life are nothing barely a drop in ocean, though for me they were only days when I truly lived my life to my best. The ear to ear smile, shining eyes and peace at heart despite working hard and fighting hard each day, now that is happiness. So, finally my answer of the question, ¨What is happiness for me¨ is clear. Now, my goal is clear and I know what I am heading for but what about where I am or wherever we all are right now. Don´t you wish to be happy wherever you are despite of knowing that it is not your dream house, job with a nice boss which rarely happens or big fat check or that perfect life partner or how about being single or separated.

None of us like to sit back and watch rest of the world reach their career or personal goals while we are without a ray of hope. So, here is what happened:

1.  Over the period of almost 3 months, I have been able to maintain a smooth relationship with my seniors at work especially the person with whom I always ended up getting hurt. I can see my constant battle of 3 years of bitter conversations or experiences while I kept challenging to do my human revolution with nothing to expect in return and not having hard feelings for her are finally showing its proof. At last it´s not all gold but I can see a clear shift while I reach out for help to her and she understood me and helped me for 2 hours continuously and recognized my hard work as well as motivated me to continue doing this.

2.      In last posts, I mentioned how I lost two of my very close and important people in 2016 on a rough note. Interestingly, I never chanted on it except doing my human revolution for accepting what happened without holding any grudges. In January, both of these people came back to my life, while they wanted to discuss what all went wrong but I was like wow, I don’t even remember all those details rather I have nothing to say. I am just happy that we are back in touch and that’s what matters. My negative tendency to hold on to pain was suddenly all gone, I held on to happy memories I shared with them while rest all the bitterness was gone like it was never there.

3.     I have accomplished one goal after another at work, I am working harder and I am reaching my targets by taking one step at a time. Some days I fall behind but my energy is more focused on doing at least one thing productive per day and it is amazingly helping me deal with severe anxiety attacks or over thinking in negative cycles.

Likely said, it is my environment that is a key to my human revolution, all wrong days were the reason I pushed harder, the bitter experiences or people around me taught me where I need to change my karma, how I need to deal better or do better. It is pain that teaches us compassion. It is reality that teaches us difference between happiness and sadness. Nothing else but it is faith that has given me power to take my life and its own problems in my own hands and deal with them and overcome them. Without putting daimoku and gongyo as first and last thing in my daily routine, I wouldn´t have come this far. Without gosho, I wouldn’t have learnt how not to be swayed my eight winds of life. Without activities like byakuren or meetings, I wouldn´t have been grounded with victories in air.

In midst of challenges I overcame, I have come to realize my kosen rufu house or relationship or job are still far away only if I think kosen rufu is happiness or perfection. But kosen rufu for me is growth and my present house, job and relationship all are mess and painful but with each day I take one step ahead as my mission is right here and my joy speaks on its own when I fight with chin up and report my human revolution to fellow members. My happiness might seem far but each day I learn a bit more about me and I do a bit more to do more and grow more. Polishing my mirror is my mission, how about you?

A food for thought

KPK ©