How to be Happy Single yet Committed

Love is like a beautiful flower which I may not touch, but whose fragrance makes the garden a place of delight just the same. 

Helen Keller

There i was standing on the edge, feeling the wind and putting my mind to rest. Though my heart races and i knew what i need was you and only you. I have lived clinging to arm of my dad while i lived my life without holding a hand. Today, you found me or love found me, your eyes looking at me like i look at the moon. It was enough for me to fall in love with you but i knew falling in love leads to broken heart. Time went on love didn't fade but my longing for me has definitely raised and so for you. We are hungry souls looking for each other's touch and melting in the arms like dancing souls. It will be the melancholy of our love that will last even if we part our ways.  

You are the poetry my heart reads, you are the love i feel, you are the hope i hope, you are the miracle i believe. Then i knew i went too far, and my longing for you was turning into obsession leading to depression. I knew i have fallen in love and so i was heart broken. Then it was the time where i needed to raise myself and i started learning how to lift myself up and stop falling in love.

Its not love that makes you fall, it is expectations and day dreaming. It is hoping that person will behave like you wish them to but we keep forgetting the reality of how different we all are from each other. It is expecting them to say words you wish to hear or propose you when you feel like. Expectations to have surprises and desire to have more and more and list goes on.

Long distance relationship experience has taught me a lot, how to let people be on their own and set them free. If love exist they will come home and i only believe in becoming home and the safe place where he would like to go when the world starts looking down on him. When the world stares and they run after him, when the whole life seems useless, when hopes shatters and sadness prevails, he will come to me. When the joy prevails, and he will need someone to share that joy and i will be a text away. Till then i am living my life and i want him to live his.

Happy single is my motto as i live through my daily up and downs. hang out with my girlfriends and have those lazy evenings where i do nothing but stretch my legs and just lie in the sofa. I don´t even bother to turn on that TV as it is nothing but noise, i don´t even open the novel i am reading as even that seems like work. I have found the peace in me, i let myself be laid back and then when i am active i run for buying groceries and experiment my new cooking ideas and put laundry after laundry. Then some guy friends come around and we share a bliss of connection with a little flirty air around but i will never go beyond that. My heart knows it is okay to talk and have a little hang out while i stay close in heart and my heart belongs to him. I dress up for me, put my new cute top for me while i share a picture with him once in a while with the idea of sharing the joy of me feeling happy and upbeat. 

Love is loving with no set limits, love is flowing like water and love is love that we neither give nor take, let alone be felt within and with out.

KPK

Why am i letting my friends go?

Past Four Months...

It has been intensive journey in past 4 months though i have been fighting for 4 years now, a roller coaster ride started with work pressure ending up into a period of destruction for me. It was so usual for my friends and boyfriend that they did't even care anymore if i reached safely. My best friend and my boy friend have meant world to for 6 months and then this year start things started falling apart. Work took over and my heart grew more and more anxious and life took its toll on my mini family of trust, love and sharing. My safe place was torn apart, my depression came back with the strongest intensity and i didn't know to whom i should turn. I have learnt if people can't be there for you at your lowest then it's better to let them go. My father said something 5 years ago, ¨People come and go¨. I had heart wrenching nights, days where even day light seemed like nightmares. I started leaning to the night with a feeling of comfort knowing no one is looking for me or waiting for me and my pillow became my best companion. I binge watched series or some nights just sat next to the window enjoying the beauty of moon. My only companions were a glass of wine and i will light up a cigarette and enjoy the moment with so much intensity and hear that silence that i never enjoyed noise again.

Return from those two months away with a haunting memory of  worst birthday ever, hell lot of fights and verbal arguments and a broken heart which never healed. I came back really wounded in ever possible way i could think of. After those 2 months i have never been same again, i hate noise even if people are talking loudly, being in a group of people has been my biggest challenge. And then i knew its time to go of all.

I knew i can try to trust people and try again and re build my bonds but truth is there is no going back. I don´t tell my heart to anyone anymore as none of them really cares or even has a heart to know my heart. I backed off and i decided to find my own life. I have been discovering new things to do in the city sometimes just a drink with new people, sometimes just a movie. Lioness underneath this skin has been unleashed and i can see it living the life like i never did.

So, here i am, i am letting you all go and if i mean anything to you, you will stay and make sure that you work on our bond. I have given more than i should have but i did and now its time for you to work and show me that you deserve to stay. If not, then i have already let you go.

I am letting you go so i can let my life flow...

KPK

Ode to Beautiful sadness

I was sitting on the sofa reading the new novel i picked up from the bookshop around the corner with nice breeze coming in through window i left open. 

With a slight noise of someone opening the lock at main door, i knew my flatmate and a person who has listened to me every now and than is here. With a cheerful hello from my end was reciprocated by her in a heavy and dull voice. I have known her long enough to know that she is not okay and my heart skipped a beat as i knew what went wrong. 

As i looked into her red eyes which have cried for hours, her face all gloomy reflecting her world has crashed into bits and pieces. I know this time it was different from previous two, this was it was as if there was nothing left to be crushed, it was not the goals it was the hope she found after fighting for months, it was the heart which is crushed again and again as it is only way she is still leading and holding her precious life.

I sat with her, listened her crying for the third time in the same context and blabbering her pain with a blanket of tears rolling down. This time even my eyes got wet, knowing how much in pain she is, knowing it like her own pain she faces day after day. I let her talk at her own desired pace with long pauses and words spaced with wisdom and hurt in the same sentence. The fight of her own was visible in her words, she knew she has to fight again but then she can´t live like this anymore. Yet, she knows deep inside she will. 

Now, it was my time to say something, to calm her down or to show her the light. She knew i saw her pain and she knew i felt it but helpless i was in doing much to bring her to comfort till my heart folded in those words. I knew what it was and i knew what i would tell myself and so i told her, it may seem you have fallen once again from same parachute you help onto but the ground in different. and the ambient of journey in that parachute was different. We all are so stuck on the idea of falling that we barely see the ground we have come down to. It is not dry anymore, it is whispering its love in your ears but we refuse to hear.

And then i bumped on the words whispered to my soul, i am sad and hurt because i encountered something so beautiful that the lose of it hurts. How precious it must have been but did i ever saw it in that light? I guess yeah for sometime and today this lose has reminded me that feeling joy of having something precious should be felt every day. It won´t guarantee any forever but it will reassure the joy through the journey. But i found the beauty in the sadness and i told her this. She sat there knowing the same in her heart and it gave her a little strength to move on. We sat together for a bit, had a smoke with a mind full of thoughts, eyes filled with visions of destruction yet hopes. And we drifted apart to our own dark night followed by nightmares or wishes looking up just waiting for a miracle to happen. 

KPK