Marriage Material or Break the Stereotypes

We all dislike changes especially when everything is going smoothly in our life. But there comes that day when change is the only option that gives us a reason to look forward. When change is the only hope left, when nothing feels in control so we chose change to renew our desire of life.

Surprisingly, I have never really encountered such people in my life. Probably i am surrounded but fear where people don´t experiment or lack the boldness to follow their dreams. But some are real rebel and i can see how they are fighting so hard to create their own benchmark. Above all, how society hates them and how they are labelled as someone with no morality.

Recently, i have found myself on a crossroad where i need to change something strongly in my life. So, even though my upbringing has been surrounded by words ¨be a nice girl¨, ¨don´t do this or that, what will society say¨, ¨don´t wear this or talk like that, what will society say¨ and list goes on while i grew up from a girl to a woman and now all i hear is, what will society say, who will marry you? But i figured i was not the only one rather we girls are told to watch how we eat, walk, stand or open our mouth, don´t laugh too hard because a girl from educated family has no right to even laugh out loud, breathe freely or wear a little less even on a hot day of 48 degree Celsius. 

I have lived my whole life living up to those standard bench mark which is set by a traditional society. Till i found myself seeing the world myself through those eyes. I was told to stay away from those rugged looking guys who cared more about their passion then being clean shaved or suit up all the time. But i always saw found them more charming and intriguing to discover, i wanted to know how they felt following their passion and not the life their parents or society dreams about. How they felt inside while men were told that crying making him less of a man. Or that girl with all the tattoos or piercing or smoking or drinking beer is immediately called out as a whore, surely easily available like she has no dreams yeah why would she, after all she is not acting or laughing like a girl from an educated and so called decent family.

This whole hypocritical thought process of people made me rebel more, made me sound like a bitch just because i found courage to stand up for my dreams. I chose my career over getting married at a young age of 24 or so and i chose to make an independent life for me rather than making babies and cooking for my husband. As if, the society hasn´t judged me enough and i then took this step to change my hairstyle and chose to break all the stereotypes because i chose comfort. Just because i found short hairs nice and comfortable and i almost shaved my one side of the head, i am no more the marriage material or pretty for god sake. My own people shrugged off as this hairstyle made me wander of me nothing but a bitch and all i could do was laugh. I don´t want to fight as i know who i am but i wonder about the society we live in. Why would i bring a daughter to live this life where she can´t even choose her own hairstyle or just a tattoo which she would like to have. 

So, here i am, i drink or i smoke but i am not a whore, i believe in the romantic love stories and i will marry my dream man one day. When the day will come and i know i am ready, i might make babies but it has nothing to do with what society asks for. I will have 10 tattoos but it has nothing to do with my morality, while i still gave my seat in metro to that old man when that simple decent and shy looking girl sat there pretending she didn´t even saw his shaking legs. My bold decisions doesn´t make a bitch rather i am open to accept you and respect you for who you chose to be or your own personal choices for your life. Yes, i am not the marriage material for you, truth is you are not the one i will ever marry who had the courtesy to judge my whole existence on mere choice of hairstyle i have.  

How we lost our Innocence?

I haven´t met you but i have seen the heart you held long ago. Now, i see you holding same more closer to you just so you can protect from the sample people you once wished to share. I can see you underneath that attitude you carry. I see how you leave everyone who care about you behind, just so they can´t touch it anymore. Once you see them touching your soul and reaching to the innocence you hide under that crazy look, under that bold personality covered in smoke, alcohol or drugs. All you do is run, run away after all how can see something you have hidden for so long. After all how can they love you for that soft heart you still carry inside...

I know how you do it and i know why you do it. I know you sat in similar boat like i did once. I know you loved someone, someone you never expected to ruin you. I know you trusted way too much like i did once. I know you gave all you had and i know that now you stand where you feel like you have nothing to give. I know you are drowning in that wrenched pain and i know you are running more and more faster so that even the wind can´t touch. You hide your heart under that skin, under that hard skin which seems to be impermeable. 

You know you were there, where you gave love, trust and all the human nature you had. You say, you have forgiven them but are you sure? If you have then why are you holding that heart so closed in your hands that even you are scared to take a peek at it. What is it, fear of losing what you still have or fear of going through what you had to long ago? I can feel and i know how badly you need someone to hold it for you as you are tired of even holding it. But you are not able to trust again and i wonder if you will ever do it once more.

I wish i could hold it for you, i would show you how you still have it inside. You may have changed the color of your skin but your heart still resides inside. I wish i could do something to let you flow. I told you the truth and i thought we will hold each other´s heart and we will protect it more than ever. But i was wrong, you took it like them and then you crushed it like them. You were no different than anyone, you just made me live in awe and hand over to you what i was protecting with my life. And this is how we lost our innocence.

KPK

Why do we fall out of love?

A question that every happy couple ask at some point, it was all good, a perfect love story, understanding beyond age and magical chemistry. But today, here i am with my head filled with doubts, questions and fear of losing the most beautiful relationship i ever found. Grip of fear only gets tighter with a fear of losing what I have, fear of never standing up again, fear of never healing from it, fear of never ever breathing, smiling and being happy or ever being loved again…it gets tighter and tighter and my knees can´t take it anymore and I fall on the ground trying to catch some breath.

So, what happened to us?

We did fall in love and now it´s time where we are falling out of love and do you know why? The reason is same that you and you partner had or the neighbor next door or the girl you saw crying in that early morning metro you took, the guy who was drunk and acted like a brat and reason was they all were in love and now they all were told by their respective partners that it´s not same as it was. It is not enough what meant more than the world, they have suddenly got more mature or grown as individuals while they all knew they all just grew out of the love they had.

Do you know why? This is the only answer I ever found...

It was the efforts s/he made that you fell in love with, a little touch of love when you got upset and s/he called you back despite you hung up phone like an immature person, s/he made sure you ate, s/he told you every now and then that how special you are or how that attire makes you look more charming, s/he didn´t sleep till they made sure you are fine and that stupid thought is not bothering you anymore, s/he never let you face anything alone and little glitter of love was blown in air just to remind you that they are around. They made sure that we knew they are around despite all the social network distractions and hundreds of friends. That one morning message would brighten your day and give you all the energy you needed to face that horrifying meeting with boss. That was touch of love that you couldn’t stop thinking on next meeting with them. Till the day came those little touch of love lifted off and the flowers of love, communication and nurturing started to wither off like that cold winter. Till they realized how they have grown out of love it was too late and they both fought and defended their own actions choosing ‘I’ over the ‘love’, choosing ‘I’ over the ‘Us’ and choosing ‘I’ over the ‘peace’.

But they still didn´t count on the efforts that made them fall in love were the same actions gone missing and the love started to wither.

KPK©