Faith results into protection and victories - Nam myoho renge kyo

Here we go again, before I lose everything I want to write this experience, if I do cross over this phase or let’s say when I will… I will share my biggest persecution I have been through till date in 6 years of practice.

2 months ago…

 4^th August, 1:00 AM I finally reached my home back in Barcelona now what… the feeling that was so strong that I just dragged myself to sofa tired yet no close to sleep with my an empty house, my Italian trip felt like a dream with no sense of reality. It felt as if I just woke up from a nice and happy dream and here I am back to my living hell. Physically speaking no one to lean on, a shoulder to cry upon or to share my laughter with. The silence of house made me wonder if I even have any future. Even the thought of reaching the end of PhD was sucking the life out me. Going back to India, with no job or even the idea to live again in India was killing me. Just the mere thought of losing my life, independent career and being interrogated by every person I will meet there, ¨so what now, are you getting married, you know its late you should look for some fucking asshole¨ … well my brain was on fire, rethinking on what I was going through seems so foolish in picture of today. Dammit who knew I have bigger persecutions waiting for me. Anyway my first 4 days were, me living on that sofa, watching TV and going out just to buy some salads to eat. I didn’t even care to eat properly. My depression and a cycle of negative thoughts were killing and the only thing I did was gongyo, I was so sick mentally that I could barely move from that sofa. In the end, I started chanting in heart and contacted a senior leader to chant together. I asked her if I can visit her. Mystically, same day I got another message from a member next to house. And there I was exactly 4 days on that sofa and I was getting ready to visit one member and later meeting another. That night after 2 meetings, I came back to same empty house but no more paranoid. Not only this with in next two days I opened my tiny room for daily daimoku for members from my group. Members came to my house for 10 days in a row and I opened my house twice a day.

During these 10 days, the only time I genuinely cherished my life was during those daimoku and later study sessions. I was supposed to do my thesis corrections based on external reviews and print them and send by 15^th August. Though on 16^th I and my colleague found that one of the external reviewer never received that thesis as well as all the shops to be able to print our thesis were shutdown till 21^st August. I was working day and night by now. With daimoku came protection and I got my final review in another two days. Finally, by the time shops were back in action, I was chanting to print my thesis under my financial limit plus no problems in final print. I continued with my daimoku from protection and somehow just one house before i was supposed to leave my house for printed, my word file crashed. I lost all the style format i had. I felt as if i couldn´t breathe in that moment. I continued chanting in heart and i made manual changed for another hour till i got my PDF version done. Soon, the real proof was in front when I found that the amount I am supposed to pay for thesis printing was exactly what I chanted for and copies very done without any surprise issues. Benefits didn´t end there… I finally sent my thesis and later even more was just around the corner. Meanwhile after 10 days daimoku at my place, another member felt motivated to open her house for 5 days to chant daimoku. Finally, the end of august brought me to realise how my only reason to live my life is my work while my foundation of faith has only made me better at what I do … I took 3 days break to cherish my thesis submission. Oh did I forget to tell you the same day I return from my 3 day break I found some papers were missing and with total protection and daimoku I submitted everything in 2 days though still no news on that. I got back to work wondering what might have happened, who knows what happened

To be continued…

Chanting for protection, unimaginable benefits - Nam myoho renge kyo

I prepared my black coffee and sat in front of my Buddhist altar other day. I was going through the comments of all those who read my last post. I have to say I have accumulated so much fortune knowing how so many of you send me love and wishes even know we haven´t met ever or only a few times. I have to say my last post moved me and my life. It was a beautiful Friday. I went to kaikan, chanted for 2 and half hours and eventually a beautiful evening filled with indian humor thanks to another indian friend and so much laughter. As you can see, I love sarcasm, craziness and laughter… my smile is all I am.

Thinking on my smile, I just recalled my experience from 26^th July onwards. If you recall, I had already bought my tickets to Italy with an impulsive decision without knowing how I will do it without much money or where I will stay and so on. What I didn´t mention is that on 23^rd july, my flatmate left for Italy and told me that she will come to airport to pick me up if she can arrange car or otherwise she explained be a bus route. I had my tickets for Naples, Italy while I had bus tickets for Rome for 3 days. During all this crazily busy days with me doing daimoku without any specific goals. The only thing I chanted for was ¨Protection¨. I still had no money to book for hotels in Rome. Suddenly just 2 days before my trip I found out about a Buddhist member living in Rome. She offered me to sleep at her place. So far, my luggage and my tickets were ready but mentally I had no expectations rather I was hoping that my first 3 day solo trip in Rome and Naples living with flatmate and her parents would be fine. As I didn’t wana be a burden on them.

25^th July: I was running for some basic stuff and doing packing even though I was so lazy to do anything. Suddenly, I realised that I was so tired physically and mentally that even thought of Italy wasn´t helping. As I felt more concerned on how it will go then being excited to travel. I knew it was my depression side that was trying to suck me in my darkness. I knew my budget was only certain XXX euros for 8 days there, and I already found my accommodation and all. Though my itinerary was still not clear as my main goal was to be able to go to kaikan/centre in Italy. By night somehow I tried to finish my packing while drying my wet shoes with a hairdryer :P Desperate measures at desperate times :P Eventually I forced myself to sleep knowing I only have 4 hours. In morning my inner darkness was stronger to not even give me energy to get up. Somehow I made it to airport, chanting till I reached airport, Welcome to fun part, there was such a long queue that I basically found myself standing in line for one hour thinking dammit my Italian trip would never happen. Finally, I begged 100 people ahead of me in the line to let me pass a si had only 10 minutes and I did make it to my plane. At last, reaching airport and seeing my flat mate and her dad so excited for coming to pick me up that it made me relax a little. And a whole new journey of benefits started coming through. I planned my trip in Italy after planning when and which days i will be going to kaikan. I changed my itinerary based on the availability of people with whom I could go to kaikan. Eventually I was in kaikan of Salerno and later in Rome. I even attended the ceremony of people receiving gohonzon and later a small get together at one of the members who received gohonzon.

Did I tell you, in Rome I stayed in the house of member not on a couch or something but she had a whole another apartment with my own privacy, double bedroom and so on. The list good things doesn’t stop there, I even could chant on her butsudan every single morning before leaving for whole day of tourism. On the other hand, staying with my flatmate was like a family holiday, her father will make our morning coffee and breakfast later we will chant for one hour and then go for tourism. I met so many people and members, in fact in Salerno, I could even lead chanting for few minutes later connected with one of the senior Byakuren who was feeling sick so lacked smile on her face but when she saw me. She was like you must be Byakuren as your smile says it all. I love how people recognize me for my smile and laugh. The spirit I carry and being the face of Buddha even in midst of challenges is like my biggest benefit of this practice. While the day of return was coming, I realized that these 8 days in Italy were first time I forgot about my PhD, Family or any responsibilities’ and had a truly kosen rufu holiday with so much happiness, benefits and eventually growing and doing my human revolution by putting practice as first even during vacation.

Oops, on the first day itself I received a mail regarding my work that one of my external reviewer had already read my thesis and send me a report. It was like a moment where I was relaxed as one thing was less to worry.  

In the end, last but not the least the best benefit that happened and that I didn´t even realised or think upon during those days was my financial karma. Like I said I had on xxx euros and now don´t be shocked my whole travel was basically covered in exactly those xxx euros. With no expenses of hotels or without counting money while I had to eat outside while tourism. In the end, my departure was filled with happy tears, my Italian mother who has always reminded me of my maternal grandmother had tears in her eyes and I knew, I have so many bonds in life to eb grateful for as well as my bond with my flatmate got profound.

Don´t worry I am not finished as benefits continued and for now we have reached 3^rd august and I will be back soon.

To be continued…

Protection prayer opened gates of benefits - Nam myoho renge kyo

A 3 month journey which was kept sealed between my lips for so many reasons but here i am ready to take my leap of faith.

With the sound of heavy rains, and my brain evaluating the words of a WD who contacted me two days back, asking if I am okay as I didn´t write any blog in past 3 months. It made me wonder if there is any way I can write upon past months.

It all started with that day where I got to know that I need to submit my thesis in 45 days, normally people write in 6 months or 1 year. Well I was in such a shock that I didn’t even know how to react and I kept laughing. Somehow I was still okay well there is no choice so let’s do it. Chant and work was my only principle. What I didn’t know was it was time to go through not only challenges of career but financial, living situation, health and relationships.

Following 45  days, i did nothing but work like a machine while living situation was so dark that I was at a point of moving or finding a place to sleep peacefully for one night. The only person with whom I used to talk about my life was gone. But despite all that I was like I will reach the end and all the movements and struggles are happening for one or the other reason. Daimoku gave me strength to say yeah I will do it. Finally, with continuous daimoku, home visits and every Friday evening in kaikan with daimoku and study I continued going further. After 3 weeks, something happened, I created many new causes for my living situation but the place I went to see left me feeling so vulnerable that I was shattered into pieces. I was left so vulnerable that I couldn’t stop my tears and my real proof was that still I didn’t have any doubts. I had a lot of decisions to make so I was lost and exhausted but finally I did everything and every single decision has turned into a clear proof. Suddenly, I got a huge protection as well in terms of my kosen rufu home that after 12 hours of writing and typing, going back to home cooked meals thanks to my Italian family. Not only this, with a spur of the moment I got a financially good offer to travel to Italy after my submission of thesis. I got my tickets not knowing what will happen (can´t share details due to privacy of other person). I was taking action and I was just going forward with no expectations. Challenges continued, my health was destroyed and an event with some harsh words left me feeling useless, demotivated for a whole weekend just 5 days before submission.
I continued with my daimoku, kaikan or meeting members, I only remembered one guidance I had months ago ¨you will see¨. I have been living in a dark tunnel, every day new mails with new issues and till date things are not sorted. Despite all that, I said something to my boss expressing how I felt and she gave me moral support. I fought on and on the evening before submission (Thursday) my bosses called me for a sudden meeting. Surprisingly, they asked me to postpone my submission to Monday. This way I got a whole weekend even though thesis was already written and read my own work and finally the work my submitted under the impossible deadline. Challenges from work didn´t stop, many administrative challenges came further on delaying the official process. I have to say later that week I had a most beautiful conversation with my mother which was a real proof of how my practice has helped me transform my bond with her. The conversation was two way, she listened to me and I shared how much I have been fighting in my life. She listened and said I know not everyone can do this. That evening I chanted with nothing but gratitude, I could have never imagined that it was possible to talk to my mom like that. During all these 45 days, not for a single day I missed my gongyo or daimoku.

25^th july, Victories so far… thesis sent for external reviewers, living situation back to my safe place, family stood by my side, the one person I needed was there again to support me. Above all, I didn’t give up.

I have to agree, my biggest strength in that time was i was there for ywds or my group. My human revolution was my happiness and sadness were mine, but when i step out of my room, i lived like a bodhisattva of the earth, I continued sharing practice with people and i was verbal of the fact that thanks to practice i am doing okay except i am just tired. 

To be continued…