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Victory over emotions: Personal experience

How often do we fight in the midst of challenges, how often do we still smile and say I am happy I am having challenges, how often do we see our problems as our perfect chance to do our Human revolution?

So lately, my daily routine included wake up like 5 am then chant and then  fight with my work karma and then reach home at night like 9 or 10 pm, do my Daimoku and sleep. I have been in a perfect rhythm with eight winds, either good news or bad news but I was not swayed in any of the situation. Till last week, I am thrashed with a lot of emotional situations. I was put into a situation with the person who means world to me. I have to be honest despite all my effort of morning and evening Daimoku and all the weekend spent in Buddhism activities from morning till evening, still I was left a bit sad due to what happened. More than sad, I was pushed hard to feel guilty for living my own life, for having self-love or respect for my own dreams and life. I kept chanting with not a single change in my 3 prayers to unlock anything (Appreciate practice, Protection in all areas of life and give my best where I am). In starting, I wanted to chant specifically on what happened but then I was like no way, I must stick to my rhythm as this is the only way I have fought and overcome my biggest challenges. 

As I was already in weak zone, another person gave another verbal attack and it was like another hit to me. And 2 days later, I was given the biggest hit of the week. Beauty of this whole week was, despite of everything and being emotionally down yet I continued to push through without compromising my rhythm with Gosho on Eight winds. Hit after hit, I still stuck to my plan of doing one home visit, one meeting and then one Byakuren duty in a week. In fact I ended up spending whole weekend in Buddhism activities, not for a single day i doubted my faith or let it reflect on my face. Yes, one day i was dead tired due to extra hours and all but in my spirit, i kept soaring high. I knew those emotional hits happened, as they were my weak points and I needed to do my human revolution of not getting swayed. Faith was testing me and I am happy to say I definitely passed with flying colors. Not only, my practice got stronger but in fact out of 3 situations I actually got victory in all the 3 and those people reflected on their actions and reached out to me. Not only this, due to such a huge shift in my environment, i got connected to my long lost friend and my continuous efforts were acknowledged by leaders as well. 

P.S If we challenge to not be swayed by our circumstances and we continue moving forward, we will see that sometimes these situations are actually not hard. They change immediately as long as we don’t give into them. At times circumstances are like attention seeking child once the child knows that no matter what, person is not giving me attention, the child calms down and stop crying. Similarly, my life was acting fired up but I was not willing to give my attention and destroy my foundation of faith. Here I am, off to my next 10 day challenge and hopefully I will be back with another victory soon.

Buddhism = Self Love and True love (Personal Experience)

Many of us suffer with a huge challenge to have self-esteem and self-love resulting into dented life with bad experiences in love, friends and even family relationships additionally work relationships. If one lacks self-esteem then there is no way you can win over the struggles of your life.

Let’s look at this, and see how familiar it seems, you found love probably first love and you fell in love and then the person moved on and you took longer to accept and forget about moving on. Then someone else came along and a repeated pattern and here you are with feelings like ¨no, i love this person how can i move on¨ or ¨You don´t understand Priya, all i want is this person´s support even though person is already committed to someone¨. At work you are smart and with great ideas and such a creative vision yet your colleagues steal your ideas and make you feel like a failure. You lack at decision making and always looking at others to tell you what to do.

In short:
Tough luck at love, after break up hard to move on
Friends use you and leave and then again you suffer for years at the back of mind
Work or family but you are always looking for others to support us

Why is it so hard to love ourselves?

Firstly: Family upbringing, strict or critical and it made us seek love outside. We kept looking for love or reassurance and our self-worth in toxic relationships. Waiting for our girl/boyfriends or wife/husband or people in your environment to show appreciation and feel the love and the worth. 

Secondly: Our selfless and sincere nature as a daughter/son or wife/husband or mother/father. We feel guilty to take care of ourselves and we continue living like a mess in looks, sleep deprived, spiritually low and so on with mere excuse of being too busy to take care of our own health and attending meetings etc.

Experience: I had a strict upbringing and a childhood based on reverse psychology where you tell the person you are a failure and the person will take it like a challenge and prove them wrong which totally failed in my case. I took everything literally and absorbed everything that was told to me including ugly, failure, dumb and so on. It made it hard for me to shine in school life or anywhere. This led to me getting hurt each time a friend or anyone in my environment betrayed me, till my relationships with people were toxic and more like an addiction and i was seeking love outside home. I thought of myself like the victim, oh poor me, I have no friends, my family thinks i am a failure and now my boyfriend left me and it is all my blame as i am not beautiful or good enough and blah blah blah. 

Buddhism happened, i found it in the turmoil of my broken relationship and i went on with chanting to save my relationship. 6 months passed, who knew instead of saving my relationship with that guy, i would end up saving myself forever. One morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and realised that I never cared to look in the mirror and see how beautiful i am just because whole my life, my sweet family and relatives always put me down saying i was a dumb and ugly girl. I never thought i was good in studies despite scoring in 90s as i was always told only 100/100 is good. 

The journey of self-love never stopped since 6 years of my practice. I learnt how to put the line for people to stop giving me their free remarks as i know my worth and my worth depends on me not what others say. Then guys or friends i lost over the years, i was wise enough to let them go as i deserve better. It did hurt and sometimes i still think on a few people but i know it is part of process of my growth, "Love me or hate me is your personal choice, but if you are willing to stay in my life you got to respect me or i will let you out of my life with all due respect."

Daishonin says again and again, "Master your mind", which is don't let your mind master you. The mind listens to the world and thinks that all is true especially negative things.

VICTORIES

• My mother who has been my biggest critic now appreciates me and says openly how proud she is to have a daughter like me.
• Relationships and friendships got everything like a few countable people but they all look up to me and when i have hard days, they respect me and stand by me. In fact they remind me of what i have done so far and help me grow further.
• Work relationships, no one passes remarks or bully me as they know i have always maintained a line of respect with all and i won't accept such childish behaviour.

Many people look up to me today, in the end i don't care if my people leave me as i am happy with myself and proud of who i have become. I have learnt not to waste my energy over drama of other people, i chose my fights wisely. I don't feel guilty for dressing up or self-pampering as i deserve to be my best otherwise i will only cause more damage to my environment and bonds i have. If one wants to give their best to others, one must give best to oneself first.

P.S We chant to raise our life state and it is an act of self-love. If we are in low life then we are living a life with a downward spiral. Self-love arises from high life state and then it is seen in our self-care (haircut, dressing up, or so on) and the care we do for others. The way we take care of ourselves, is the way we will take care of our environment. Kosen rufu is one's individual happiness that leads to other's happiness and eventually world peace. It doesn't mean be selfish but it means take care of you. Sensei always stress upon women to always take care of how they look or how he stresses upon members to be safe, proper sleep or take care of our health.

TREAT YOURSELF AS A BUDDHA YOU ARE.

Why do we feel low? How to shift from low life to high life?

Question: I am feeling low, I chant but i still can´t break this chain. You know i feel blocked, i need at least one sign of hope or one positive result to keep me going. Plus, i think my situation is so tough in terms of relationship, career, finance and then my health makes it worse. I am doing everything you know and trust me i couldn´t go to meeting due this work or family or ...  But i chant everyday and i am doing my best so why do i still feel low?

Answer: Buddhism is nothing but TRUTH and LOGIC. 

The only reason why we feel low is, ¨We are not doing what we must do¨. Result, we start sulking and then there are two type of people

1. Complaining and putting all the blame on environment including family issues, work deadlines, financial limit and so on.

2. Judging oneself harshly like i am not worth it, i will never get over this and i am such a looser and so on.

I personally fall into second category, my own critic and i went into that spiral for past months and there was no way out. I had a huge phase of mind blockage, i lacked the brains to be able to write at my work with all the research papers and deadlines kept passing but i couldn´t submit anything as i got blocked. I would stay at work for longer but nothing to write and so i missed my gym and so went home drained and then lacked in my Daimoku or sometimes i couldn´t even do daimoku. 

Truth is, deep inside we all know that we lack in our efforts and we are not putting our best. No matter how many excuses we give but the truth won´t change. We know we didn´t do our Daimoku with full determination or lacked the conviction. We know we didn´t apply for jobs like crazy in time of hunting job, we know we didn´t organize or balanced our expenditures wisely during time of free flowing money or now when we are going through crisis. We know we are too emotionally dependent or controlling in our relationships. We know we never took care of what we ate or being physically active. ¨We don´t take full responsibility of our life, which is must in Buddhism practice¨.

I know right now while reading all this, you are like, Priya what do you even know about my life, my problems and so on. I know you just mumbled, that you have applied for 300 jobs or so. Let me share with you i sent 600 applications to get one offer, i was last one in my whole batch for getting it. But thanks to the beauty of practice i did my human revolution till i got the offer made every poison into medicine. In fact i got 2 offers eventually and i went for both one after another with a special extension to the second offer. You can blame me for being honest like hot iron or spitting venom. But you can´t deny the fact that we are the one´s putting causes in our own life. 

Ikeda sensei says, 

If you want to understand the causes made in the past, look at the results as they are manifest in the present. And if you want to know what results will be manifest in the future, look at the causes that exist in the present. The reality of your future self is forged by current action, in your behavior now.

I won´t shy away to tell you that last 10 days i have done tremendous work, i submitted 2 full drafts which i couldn´t do over last 2 years and now that work in hours or days. 

Want to know how? I was in low life and thinking i was doing my best but no somehow i regular in everything but not disciplined. So for a change instead of saying i am blocked and blocked i went to daimoku with 3 prayers: Enjoy daimoku, Protection and DO MY BEST WHERE I AM, RIGHT NOW. Eventually, only my action of waking up and doing daimoku at same time put my life in the rhythm of my prayers and my life is in sync with Eight Winds, Gosho. I am not sad as some days my work goes slow or it needs time and other days i am more productive. Point is forward movement, i put effort and so i am on path of regret free life just like sensei says.

Yes, i eventually gave my best and things turned. I based everything on daimoku and i gave all my worries to Gohonzon and all i did was chant and give my best. I wake up 5:30 to chant for an hour and leave house by 7 and then i come by 10:30 or so and again chant and sleep. I am doing it cutting back my sleep and doing things which i couldn´t do earlier. I put my weekends into activities as now i have no time during weekdays. 

Low life = Excuses, blame and sitting back and hoping for a miracle

High life = Action in practice and  Action in life

P.S if things are not happening chant for making this waiting time which is like a poison into medicine.   

3 step guide to break any deadlock, mind it ANY DEADLOCK!!!

Too many guidance and too much study material but in the end it is the one´s own experience that results into tried and tested solutions. You can say you have 100 problems and so you are in low life, but only deadlock we all have is low life condition once we turn this low life to high there are no more deadlocks.

I was sucked in all 4 sectors of karma from career, relationship, finance and health and when they all dawn together it is like there is no way of coming back up. 3 weeks ago, i lost big time but then i simplified my form of practice.

Here is how i changed my prayers:

1. Chant to cherish that i am chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.
2. Chant to have protection in all sectors of life.
3. Chant to give  my best where i am.

Result:
1. High life state: Despite similar challenges and problems, my life state raised in 2 days
2. Discipline: Being disciplined and desire to practice came naturally
3. Protection: Immediately things that were not moving for a long time started falling in place
4. Victories: YES
5. No deadlocks
6. Karma: Fixed or unfixed both seem to be changing every day.

Personal view point:

This practice is not complicated its just that we want to sort out everything and we want to chant on 100 prayers. I did that for a long time but suddenly after my biggest loss of career in years something did hit me hard. I realized i don´t want to run after life or run after my prayers, if i am votary of lotus sutra then things will come my way on their own. Question was but how and where do i lack? With chanting and reading so much my brain got stuck on one basic principle, cherish this practice and that i have encountered this law and then seek for nothing but protection. When i seek for protection it will cover all my prayers from A to Z, my prayers are nothing but all about finding solutions to the existing problems. For example, seeking protection for family means protection in health, finance or relationships isn´t it, and seeking this protection for ourselves will also cover all the sectors of problem. It helps me from not getting exhausted over my prayers which eventually turn into an obsession. Clear prayers even help me in feeling light and feeling complete without chanting for too much yet secure that things will happen.

Only thing i would say apart from this is, keep daimoku and gongyo pronunciation crystal clear and be sincere with silent prayers, this is truly a secret to break through the wall of negative karma that you have been standing behind no matter for how long. Do it for yourself and be surprised :)

Happy chanting

My story, My journey, My experience filled with protection ... Beautiful ode to November 18

So what is victory? Usually, we label victory as something like the job, relationship, marriage or money targets we have been chanting for. But today i want to take you all on a journey which i had over past two and a half months so that you can decide for yourself about, what is victory?

It all started in first week of September, I was attending a conference in a different country. I was there with a poste though it turned out to be a good one, i talked to many people and professors. There were a lot of questions and i answered them well. It was that one evening where i was on cloud 9 after many years. Till, 3 days after someone pick pocketed my wallet having my spanish residency card (my visa), bank card and cash and so on. I spent evening in police station, next morning in embassy as i had to travel in afternoon to come back to spain. Embassy did some sketchy work of giving me a paper but honestly it was not at all valid enough to enter. I was lucky as my passport was still with me and i came back without any checking or any questions about my visa. I was put into some weird situation where i was belittled with the fact that i had no cash on me. I some how reached home and there i was shattered into pieces as no one ever got any opportunity in my whole life to belittle me for just a small amount of money. It was weekend and i had no cash with no access to bank to take out money. My weekend was spent in running from one police station to another as i needed to file a complaint to apply for duplicate visa. I was crushed, humiliated, embarrassed even though i did nothing wrong. I felt devastated as it was not the time for losing my visa. I was suppose to got o US embassy for getting my USA visa for the big conference, the only oral presentation i got in my 3 year PhD. But no, i was diverted with loss of my spanish visa and next 3 weeks in process of spanish visa. I finished my process but it meant another month wait to actually have the card in hand. Meanwhile, i got hurdles with USA visa from papers to payment and finally i got appointment, did my interview. All went fine. 

I continued chanting for hours, byakuren while gosho was part of my daily life. Time went on, days after days, week after week my anxiety rose and i so my depression and eventually i ended up in my doctor's room.  I didn't stop in efforts. So, my spanish visa was on hold even though it was ready i couldn't pick it up as my passport was in embassy of USA. I had no legal documentation on me. I lost my friends, my house was feeling like a jail and i took every escape i got. I went on a weekend get away which i spent doing running, walking and chanting. The final day came while i already put tremendous daimoku on weekdays and 10 hour daimoku on weekends yet my life state was frozen in lower state. All i faced was failure, i lost biggest opportunity i had because my visa was not sent in time. Not only that, in result my boss once again put me through remarks where i was made guilty for not going to the conference. I worked for an year to get it but i didn't. My november 18 goal was over for me and i cried for once and letting it all go. Now what, 14 days has passed, every single day my mind still process this presentation in my head. Last 2 weeks, my only vision of practice was chant for protection as i was still sitting with no legal document in my hand while my spanish visa expired on last monday and my work permit was kept on hold. I ran out of money due to all expenditure of visa and legal work. 

Financial, relationship, career and health karma name it and i have been bearing it day in and out. 

"Nichiro, because you have read the entirety of the Lotus Sutra with both the physical and spiritual aspects of your life, you will also be able to save your father and mother, your six kinds of relatives, and all living beings. Others read the Lotus Sutra with their mouths alone, in word alone, but they do not read it with their hearts." (Gosho 26, vol 1., Letter to Priest Nichiro in Prison) 

"If the Buddha's prediction is true, there must be a votary of the Lotus Sutra in the Later Day of the Law, and the great difficulties that he encounters will surpass those that occurred during the Buddha's lifetime. I, Nichiren have personally suffered all nine great ordeals." (Gosho 49, vol 1. The votary of the Lotus Sutra)

"Lotus Sutra reads that it is "the most difficult to believe and the most difficult to understand." Many hear about and accept this sutra but when great obstacles arise, just as they were told would happen, few remember it and bear it firmly in mind. To accept is easy; to continue is difficult. But Buddhahood lies in continuing faith. Those to uphold this sutra should be prepared to meet difficulties. To "continue" means to cherish Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, the most important principle for all the Buddhas of the three existences." (Gosho 56, vol 1., The Difficulty of Sustaining Faith.)

After my biggest loss i just sat down chanting and letting it all go. Next morning i woke up again and did nothing but chant and then again in night. I went on doing this ever since each morning i wake up do my daimoku and each night i do it before i sleep. I have polished my Gongyo all over again and still working on it. I did either home visit, or meeting or some byakuren duty almost every day. My only prayer has been that what has happened can't be changed and my heart feels the pain day in and out yet i am determined to be happy or at peace with no dependence on my environment. My prayer has been all about having my protection and getting my passport back safely and sorting out my spanish visa securely. One morning after my daimoku, i opened my mail and my work permit was sitting there. Later on, after 3 days i just came back home from a home visit and i got email that my passport has been returned and yesterday i held my passport in hand and even went on to sort out my spanish visa renewal without having any appointment in hand yet it did work out . Each day, all i do is wake up, chant, do things, and then chant and sleep. I made sure things can go wrong but i will first do things i am responsible for and then i can do all the grieving or crying in the night. 

My career victory hasn't happened but things happened which i couldn't even think of, i transformed my relationship with my mother and i told her for first time in my life, how heart broken i felt. The person who couldn't even support me during my depression in past, this time he gave me hope and tried his best to show me light when i was blinded in my darkness. Victory happens where we are not looking. My letter to sensei is already written with all honesty and pain i felt and it will be posted today itself. My determination to report sensei is going to be fulfilled whether i have won or not but in name of my mission as a Bodhisattvas, i will keep winning.

My faith is stronger than ever, my spirit is in rhythm with gosho of Eight winds, neither let sadness  took me down nor happiness and legal work was done. I am glad persecutions are coming my way and my faith will keep going ahead like flowing water. 

P.S If you faced loss like me then believe me i know it is not okay and it will never be same. But, bodhisattva will keep marching ahead no matter what may come, we will keep cherishing our life with Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. In the end, hours won't make difference but a true heart of bodhisattvas will. Don't stop, never stop, never ever quit no matter how many falls you may face. I am with you. 

Happy chanting

Piece of my heart for all of you fighting hard out there

Yes, i am calling you, you the one out there fighting for long enough to get that job, get that one chance to prove your worth, capability, get yourself a bit of love, get yourself that food on table, trying to save yourself or your family, trying to fight against all the challenges. I know you have lost, i know you are in pain and i know it as i have been there, i am still there. I know how desperately you need to fight your relationship, career, health or financial karma. I might not be in your shoes but as a person who herself is going through each of the karma, i do feel you.

I am not here to tell you that it´s okay that you lost your chance or it´s okay even to go through any loss. I am not here to demean your wishes, dreams or anything. I know you deserved it, i know you have fought hard enough and i know it was your only hope in the darkest tunnel you have been. Once again you might feel like this is it, once again you might be in the darkest tunnel all over again and then you say it once again, i am done and i can´t do it anymore. But listen this is what sensei told us knowing we will be in such times and we need to remember all this:

• Reality is harsh. It can be cruel and ugly. Yet no matter how much we grieve over our environment and circumstances nothing will change. What is important is not to be defeated, to forge ahead bravely. If we do this, a path will open before us.

• There will be times in life when you cannot succeed. Or times when hardship seems about to crush you. Such times are inevitable, yet we should not allow our spirits to be broken by them.

• Anyone can hit a wall. The anguish felt then is proof of one’s desire to move forward. But all is for naught if you falter at that moment. Action—that is the key to breaking through an impasse.

• The times when we experience the most intense suffering, unbearable agony and seemingly insurmountable deadlock are actually brilliant opportunities for doing our human revolution.

• Nothing can match the strength of those whose lives have been shaped and forged through challenging and overcoming hardships. Such people fear nothing. The purpose of our Buddhist practice is to develop such strength and fortitude. To cultivate such an invincible core is in itself a victory.

• An ascending life, in which we keep striving to grow and improve—this is what is meant by human revolution. Human revolution doesn’t mean becoming something special or different from who we are; it simply means striving to improve, no matter what challenges we face.

• No matter how hopeless or bleak things appear, the moment always comes when suddenly our spirit revives, and hope is reborn. That is why we must never give up.

-Ref. Words of wisdom, by Daisaku Ikeda