Heads up, leave
what you are doing as today i am going to stir your faith with my final chapter
of PhD life. Get your coffee and find your quite corner otherwise whoever is
bothering you, will end up crying as you are going to scream like run away, not now :P
After 7 years of
practice, and past 4 years with nothing but human revolution and getting
stronger in faith and focusing on becoming a better person has finally led to
historic moment in my life, in my faith and yes every 7 years something big
happens.
I was planned to
do my thesis defense on 30th October, it is something like a court scene, jury
is sitting and you get only 40-45 minutes to present your 4 years or work and
then defend your work by answering questions for 1 hour or so. Later, the jury
panel takes a decision on what grade of PhD you have done. And so i was all set
to leave for India on 10th November and see my family after one year and half.
Little background from my last post. Though a lot of questions were still left to be answered. 3 and 1/2
weeks before my defense, i was told that it is cancelled as my professor from Germany
was not able to submit my review due to his tight schedule... which resulted in
cancellation of my defense date while i was about to run out of my visa on 14th
November due to which my trip to India was planned a little before that.
Continuing...
My immediate
reaction was to reach out to my finally which i rarely do, though this time
gohonzon turned around my game. He directed me to learn how to lean onto my
loved ones. I went back to work next day and the practice gave me strength to
take it all on me. I didn´t complain to anyone, my emotions were going haywire
with my body´s response but i kept looking ahead. At the end of the day, when i
found that no one could help me out, so i decided to write an constructive
email. It resulted into an indirect response with a little glimpse that review
might be submitted in coming days but there was no direct response to my email.
I went home and chanted and somehow survived another night. Next morning, i
still got no response and sent another mail which resulted in a very negative
reaction and it stirred me to the core. It was Wednesday, i was appointed for
my byakuren duty in evening for 3 hours. I was clear with one thing in my head,
no matter how shitty my situation is or how i can lose my 4 years of hard work
in matter of a second, but nothing can come between me and my practice. I
washed my crying face, switched my mind to Bodhisattva Priya and went to
centre. I welcomed members with a big smile and did my duty to the best. I went
again on Friday when centre is open again and chanted till the end. Still no
confirmation and so weekend went soaked in gakkai activities and me only living
as a Bodhisattva. Finally, Monday morning we got to know review is submitted
but defense will be pushed to 10th of November. Right, exactly the day i was
supposed to walk out of Spain. Gohonzon was working its own thing, i got
worried on how to extend my visa and stay here longer. Another week spent in
running to different people but nothing to rescue. I found two risky ways to
find a way out. I tried applying for work permit all over again with no work
contract and no surety about what might happen. I continued only one thing,
living like a Bodhisattva, didn’t tell many people what was really going on
with me. I steadfast in my faith, each time kaikan was open and i was there.
Meanwhile, Thursday i got to know that the dream job i applied for, i didn’t
get it. It was my breaking point, it broke me till inside as I was only holding
on to that and chanting with a joy that yea gohonzon, you and I are finally
going to Ireland and finally 4 year suffering has brought me this beautiful job
and new country and new life. I was crying for few days but still kept the news
between me and only 2-3 people. Immediately, on coming Sunday, I was supposed
to go to Madrid for biggest zadankai where 1000 members were coming together
from all over Spain, Portugal and even islands in near proximity. And my
fundamental darkness was on surface so strongly that my body shut down, my face
went blank and I knew I needed a time off but there was no break for me. As my
financial karma has been on fire last year, I had to take overnight bus to be
there next day for 2 hours meeting. I finally made it there and looking at all
the YWD leaders, my fundamental darkness got haywire and I just wished to run
away from there. Though when I got on stage with rest of the youth to sing the
song, I saw those members out there and I knew it doesn´t matter how I feel
personally, as I am part of something so big and how we all come together to
work for becoming happiness and share this happiness that my personal emotions doesn’t
even stand a chance. I soon left reminding myself that my big mission might
seem inexistent to myself at this point of my life but i will continue my
journey as a member of gakkai no matter what.
My return from
Grand zadankai only resulted in more darkness and I had huge problems with
fellow ywd leaders. But one thing I knew very clearly was that if I have lost
my dream job and who knows what might happen with PhD, unemployment support or
even when visa expires then I am done living a life of compromise. And I had
courage to give up only thing I was left with and I gave up on my 2 and ½ year
relationship. I knew I needed to discover who I am and what is really going to
happen to me. This decision stirred a lot and only good thing out of this was
that for first time neither I nor my boyfriend ran away without saying
anything. I had courage to face the consequences of my decisions with the
bullshit of present age that involves blocking the other person. I have chosen
to stay by his side as a friend and beauty of everything is that he has started
chanting and now I support him through my daimoku and I will let him discover
his own journey with his own daimoku.
On the other
hand, as my situation in gakkai was really hurting me and so, I finally reached
out for a guidance from WD leader. I continued with byakuren duty and practice
while I was told that everything starts from a dialogue. Soon, as my biggest
cause I reached out to an YWD leader expressing my concerns and soon I got a
fresh guidance from her. Even though there wasn’t much for me to really uplift
me but just a simple act of expressing my emotions about members around me and
my challenges made me feel so light as if the dark cloud of my own fundamental
darkness got lifted immediately.
And finally, I did
learn my biggest lesson which had made me go strong in gakkai as organization,
even if I don´t like someone but for kosen rufu I should find just enough
balance to not let kosen rufu be affected due to personal differences. I had 12
days ahead of me and so I determined to live each as a walk of 12 days from
kamakura to Kyoto. And so I home visited the member who was acting as biggest
function of devil king for obstructing my practice and making me feel worse
after each meeting. I got real proof when this same person gave me her notes to
help me study for my level 2 exam in gakkai. As I was under PhD issues, and
endless problems so reading whole material in Spanish really took a back seat
for me. Exam was going to happen on 5th November in 3 days while on
10th I had my defense. Meanwhile my presentation draft and my
rehearsal for defense was a big failure and so much to be changed and still I was
with no time to read material for exam. Despite my career priorities, I made a
decision that I will focus only on exam and after that I will focus on my PhD
defense. And, finally I wrote level 2 Buddhism exam in Spanish with my head set
on doing it as my final biggest cause for my mission here.
Devils are my
biggest friend, and so 3 days before my defense I got to know that my work
permit application was required to show financial support for next year. As I had
no money in account and I needed 6000 euros and I knew my game here is over.
Without asking for help just knowing my situation my boss and friends showed up
support thought it wasn´t enough. With all the problems on my plate I continued
and soon, on 10th November, I did my defense with my only prayer to have
a voice clear as moon and be bright as the sun. I was fearless and I enjoyed
those 2 hours of defense. I was given excellent grade from Spain while Magnum
cum laude (great distinction) from Germany. So, yeah after 4 years I have two
doctorates. In fact, I even got special remarks from external jury in person. I
ended my day by going to kaikan and not to some celebration. You might wonder
wow so she has what she wanted. Truth is, I didn’t feel anything like happiness
despite all that. Rather, my body was finally shutting down and I could barely eat
food for another 4-5 days.
Till on 12th
November, I got to be part of byakuren for level 1 exam and I cried out of joy
to see how many people are really working towards becoming happy. That absolute
happiness took over me and despite of weakness I stood in front lines as a byakuren.
And, soon on 14th November my visa was over and I found out that my
work permit was rejected. I was wondering like gohonzon what is really going
on. I went for my second risky way and another day went with another big hit as
I was denied for that option as well. I started chanting with one thing in my
head, if my mission is still here than I will see a real proof with my own
eyes. Soon I shared my experience in last zadankai of this year and I found my
colleague at work being moved by experience. As an audience at my defense she
even told me how my defense was transmitted to her. She said exact same words
that I had been chanting for all this time. That was first time I realized that
I achieved my goal without even realizing. Meanwhile from 3 days even on
weekend I and my flatmate took challenge to chant together for my legal
situation from 6:30 to 7:30 am. And 2 days back, I chanted for 7 hours and I went
to ask for unemployment with only one paper saying I have applied for work
permit. I chanted to have buddha´s and shoten zenzin. When I reached there I was
supposed to deal with 3 women and believe me or not but all three were truly
buddha´s to me. I even ended up becoming friendly and making jokes with them.
And I got my biggest real proof in 4 years and gohonzon actually showed me that
my mission is still here while I was provided with unemployment support. I came
home and got back to daimoku of gratitude it was the biggest proof I have seen
in my last 4 years of stay in Spain. In fact last but not least, yesterday I got
the news that the secret voting of Spanish PhD defense has given me highest
grade of PhD as I aimed from last 3 years.
For now, I am
still on with my visa renewal process while I don´t have to depend on my family
for finances and I get some time to find for my new land of mission. Who knows
what might happen but I have successfully send my PhD thesis copy to sensei as
a token of my gratitude to him for standing by my side throughout this journey. I am not just a doctorate, i have actually become a person who doesn´t complain, or get angry yet sadness might get best of me but i have learn appreciate that about me as i am human. Pain is required at times to realize that we still have a heart and we still have something important left with us to lose which can cause pain. It took me 4 years to see a real concrete proof but i have only gone strong all these years with putting faith as first.
Happy chanting.
