Here I am, sitting by my
window, my favorite thinking spot and self-reflection time. I tightly hold onto
my coffee mug with a sight of perfect sunset. I am all set to get down to
reality and open about my biggest challenge. I would like you to make your tea
or coffee, find your reading corner and sit down with me for next few minutes. This
is going to be a ground breaking experience on my behalf. It has the power to
unleash many victories for you as well in coming days. As I am about to give
you an answer to why some of us are feeling stuck and others are having crystal
clear victories…why?
I have always believed
in enjoying the journey of human revolution and the path of unseen virtues
leading to visible rewards as explained in Gosho (WND-1, 940). Victories will
come and we will cherish them for barely few seconds and another strike of now
what will happen. I have tried been an active YWD irrespective of my land of
mission, language or cultural differences. I have been a very active byakuren
in past 2 years and soon I will be graduating in coming months. From a shy
byakuren without knowing Spanish, fear of dealing with technical stuff, today I
am come far enough to deal with every challenge I face during activities. I
have not only opened the door of Buddhist centre for newbies, visitors and
especially contributed as a language translator for new members. Apart for this,
late night meetings with fellow members due to our shared struggle on not
having any time during day has been a great function throughout. I have seen
people grow, won and do their human revolution. What I lacked to see was my own
victories in terms of a clear real proof. I have heard endless experiences and
people receiving gohonzon with my eyes filled with tears of joy. Yet, one
question always haunted me, ¨What is it that I am not doing right? ¨ I went for
multiple guidance with pioneers of gakkai here and later even in Germany. I
raised same question again and again, ¨Same daimoku, same practice, more
efforts yet I haven´t seen a breakthrough, please guide me where am I going
wrong? ¨ ¨Why am I unable to change this impossible into possible? ¨ Answer:
persevere, don’t be too harsh on yourself, you are putting too much pressure on
yourself. I was told the same thing twice from two different leaders in two countries.
I had no clue what they
meant by it, though I continued with my efforts without regressing even a bit.
The only thing that kept me going was ¨you will see¨, words of a pioneer during
one of those guidance. Every time I felt discouraged, I focused on these words.
Enlightenment:
It happened finally
after 6 years of practice I was awaken and I found the big answer to my
question. I have been begrudging my life without even realizing it. During one
of the usual Buddhist discussion dinner, someone was talking about the gosho ¨14
slanders¨. At first I was taken aback as I feel the word ^Slander^ is very
strong and personally I don’t like to use it at all. Yet I loved the discussion
so took another step towards reading it for myself. As soon as I started
reading it, I found a lecture on this particular gosho given in SGI UK. And there
I was, awestruck of my own moment of enlightenment. In that moment, I know how I
am too harsh on myself, I was begrudging my life. Believe it or not, suddenly
every YWD, WD or even YMD anyone who has ever talked to me in their tough time,
they all have been committing same error. We all begrudge our life just by
comparing our own growth or victories by victories of others.
Let me break it down for
us, I haven´t had that much fortune in getting sufficient results or
conferences in 3 n half years like other PhD students did. I have been putting
myself down because others had more results or oral presentations at
international conferences. I forgot to appreciate, I have my mission and each obstacle
I face right now or set back is actually my training for my big future. My efforts
in gakkai are never going to waste likely said, not a single
Nam-myoho-renge-kyo ever goes to waste. Similarly, my efforts will manifest on
its own right time. It is exactly like the words told to me by my senior, ¨You
will see¨. I never doubted these words.
To my surprise, on
immediate understanding of my cause (comparing my life with others, is nothing
but me begrudging my life. This is how I have been begrudging my Buddhahood, obviously
I was suffering deep down due to later. Fast forward to present, here I am so
much at peace with my life, I even got an invitation for an oral presentation
last week. Also, suddenly my voice of Buddha and my heart of Buddha has been reaching
out to many new people. I have become more empathetic with fellow YWDs and
trying to make their victories as my own mission. The anxiety of what will
happen might put me down at times though my heart only whispers ¨you will see,
Priya¨.
Take home message:
No more comparison with
fellow friends, or measuring my worth on a barometer set by society.
Comparison with anyone means
we are putting ourselves down.
Comparison means we are begrudging
our life.
Appreciation means
victories, comparison means low life and delay in our happiness and victories
Buddha only knows
appreciation, and advancing in our life.
Happy chanting
